28 in ’12: Thankful

A main “Criterion of Consciousness” for the human experience, Phoenixfire, is never having all you want. For as one dream comes true, another swiftly takes its place. Not having all you want is one of life’s constants.

And learning to be happy while not yet having all you want is the first “Criterion of Joy.” Nail it, and for the rest of your life people will be asking what it is about you.

Desire, Phoenixfire, is a beautiful thing.

The Universe

*          *          *

They say that happiness is a choice… That it’s never really about having what you want, but wanting what you have.

But what do you do when what you have leaves you incomplete? Empty? Lonely?

You begin searching. Or rather, your soul does. And that’s where I am right now, I guess. I’m searching for something that will make my world make sense. I’m searching for… peace. The same peace I glimpsed fleetingly on that one silent night on the balcony.

But then I have to wonder… What if that one night – that one perfectly peaceful night – is all I’ll ever get to have?

One day, I know I’ll have to make a choice – whether I’ll live out the rest of my days wishing for more nights like that, or just being thankful that I at least had one.

Even if it’s the only one I’ll ever have.

Blessed Be…

27 in ’12: Avenger

Dear You,

I’m so done with the grieving.

And yes, NOW I think you’re a jerk-off.

Hell hath no fury… like me.

Love,
Me

26 in ’12: Believer

In light of recent events, I haven’t been opening my email (I’ve been on vacation since Thursday last week). I missed several messages from The Universe and, now that I’ve read it, it is nothing short of… telling.

I leave it up to you so interpret…

*          *          *

Maundy Thursday (April 5)

You only ever have to ride the wave of life, Phoenixfire, not create it, to be taken anywhere you dream of being.

Hang ten,
The Universe

*          *          *

Good Friday (April 6)

Never has there been a moment in your life, Phoenixfire, that wasn’t also a moment in mine.

Never have you laughed without me, cried alone, or loved in vain.

And never have you dreamed a dream, that destiny had not ordained.

Thanks,
The Universe

*          *          *

Black Saturday (April 7)

A Universal Rule on Decision Making…

Don’t make them, Phoenixfire, until it’s time to make them.

Unless you already know what you want, in which case, however, there is no decision to be made.

You know,
The Universe

*          *          *

Finding Faith

It is fairly unusual for me to find someone to talk to who does not look at me strangely after hours of conversation. My views in life are rather… Strange… And it has been my experience that people find my beliefs weird and at odds with what has been deemed as “socially acceptable” (a concept, by the way, that I am violently opposed to). So to find someone who gets me without the need for any kind of explanation is something else.

I once told a friend I cannot believe that this is the only life I’ve lived. There are too many things about me that do not “fit” this particular world. This, I think, has always supported my belief in past lives. I also believe that our past lives influence the things we are inexplicably drawn to in the present. I believe there are people we are destined to find over and over again because any life remains incomplete without them.

Someone once told me that there really isn’t a right time or a wrong time for something – and I guess that’s true. Everything happens for a reason, even if sometimes we don’t understand why it happened when it did.

The concept of soul mates is another thing that I actually find logic in. A soul mate is exactly what it says it is – a the other half of your spirit. I believe all spirits made flesh are split into two, and if both are born in the same lifetime, each continually searches for the other, whether consciously or unconsciously. This accounts for that inexplicable longing we sometimes feel, no matter how fulfilled or complete we see our lives to be. Despite the popular, romanticized notion of Twin Spirits, I just believe that our soul mate is that person who embraces our essence wholly. It’s the person who walks with us as we go through life, journeying with us as we travel towards what we were born to do.

*          *          *

Dear Universe,

I know.

Forever In Love,
Phoenix fire

AudioSlave To: Suddenly (Soraya)

Blessed Be…

25 in ’12: Sinner

I’ve been watching The Voice for most of the afternoon (which explains the twitter post about Adam Lavigne’s hotness) and heard this song. I seriously do not understand how I could not have known about this song before today.

And on that note, I really did mean what I said about Cee Lo’s creepy persian cat. “It looks at me like it knows my sins from another life.”

*          *          *

Turn down the lights;
Turn down the bed.
Turn down these voices
Inside my head.

Lay down with me;
Tell me no lies.
Just hold me close;
Don’t patronize.

Don’t patronize me.

‘Cuz I can’t make you love me
If you don’t.
You can’t make your heart feel
Something it won’t.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I’ll feel the power;
But you won’t.
No, you won’t.
‘Cuz I can’t make you love me
If you don’t.

I’ll close my eyes,
Then I won’t see
The love you don’t feel
When you’re holding me.

Morning will come,
And I’ll do what’s right;
Just give me till then
To give up this fight.

And I will give up this fight.

‘Cuz I can’t make you love me
If you don’t.
You can’t make your heart feel
Something it won’t.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I’ll feel the power;
But you won’t.
No, you won’t.
‘Cuz I can’t make you love me
If you don’t.

I Can’t Make You Love Me
Bonnie Raitt

Blessed Be…

24 in ’12: Artist

I don’t get a lot of nights like this, so I am extremely grateful for tonight. It’s not very often that I find myself able to sit out in the balcony after midnight, stare out into the distance and drown myself in my thoughts.

The streets are empty tonight. I can see the driveway that leads to the compound – this little piece of carefully constructed land that often makes me forget I am in Manila. The lights along the sidewalk cast a soft glow on our cobbled streets. It’s just enough to save someone from losing their step. The same glow casts shadows on the walls, creating beautiful shapes and elegant lines – dark against light.  Masterpieces in their own right.

In the distance I can see lights from street lamps and windows. Further still, barely visible to my weak eyesight are what I think are city lights. It dances, those city lights. It’s like watching soft waves of color ripple across the nearly ebony sky.

Tonight, I am both happy and sad. I am contented and restless. I am at home and yearning to be elsewhere.

And tonight, I’m okay with that.

Tonight, I want what I want. I miss what I never had. I wish for what I cannot have. I crave more than what I am allowed. Tonight, there is no fair or unfair. There is no innocence and guilt. There is no truth and lie. There is just the night and me.

And tonight, I’m okay with that, too.

This is how I create – not with strokes using paint and brushes, but with words woven with wishes and emotions, with wistful smiles and precious tears. There is nothing in this world that I want more than to be able to paint with my hands – but I have not known how and so instead I learned to paint with my soul.

It’s still Ed Sheeran’s voice I hear as I write this. It drowns out the sound of engines and soft voices, leaving me lost in this moment. There is something about this song that makes me feel.  It is more than the words sung – there is something about the melody and the beat that reaches out and embraces what parts of me it touches. It wraps itself around me, gently swaying me to a place of comfort I had known in a past life. The song helps me write. It seeks to heal what is broken. It soothes my bleeding heart and my blackened soul.

This is what peace looks like. It is stillness. It is the quiet.  It is the absence of judgment.  It is the endlessness of time.  It is what it is.

Tonight, there is hope that I will one day become whole.

“All I want is the taste that your lips allow…”

Blessed Be…

23 in ’12: Audioslave

Give me love like her,
’cause lately I’ve been waking up alone,
Paint splattered teardrops on my shirt,
Told you I’d let them go,
And that I’ll fight my corner,
Maybe tonight I’ll call ya,
After my blood turns into alcohol,
No, I just wanna hold ya.

Give a little time to me or burn this out,
We’ll play hide and seek to turn this around,
All I want is the taste that your lips allow,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love.

Give me love like never before,
’cause lately I’ve been craving more,
And it’s been a while but I still feel the same,
Maybe I should let you go,
You know I’ll fight my corner,
And that tonight I’ll call ya,
After my blood is drowning in alcohol,
No I just wanna hold ya.

Give a little time to me or burn this out,
We’ll play hide and seek to turn this around,
All I want is the taste that your lips allow,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
Give a little time to me, or burn this out,
We’ll play hide and seek to turn this around,
All I want is the taste that your lips allow,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My my, my, my, oh give me love.

M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover,
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover,
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover,
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover.

M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover,
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover,
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover,
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover (love me, love me, love me).

M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover (give me love),
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover (give me love),
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover (give me love, love me),
M-my my, m-my my, m-my my, give me love, lover (give me love).

My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love

Give Me Love
Ed Sheeran

Blessed Be…

22 in ’12: Almost

Neither
Either
Not someday or soon
Frozen in time with the light of the moon

Neither
Either
Not now or no
Just moments of bliss and seconds of sorrow

Neither
Either
Not heaven or hell
With bonds to break and lies to tell

Neither
Either
Not nothing or all
No path to take but where you won’t fall

Neither
Either
Not truth or lie
No tales to tell but ones of goodbye

Neither
Either
Not love or hate
No hand to hold in this limboed state

Neither
Either
Not day or night
Just wisps of smoke that fade in flight

“Shades of Gray”
Phoenixfire

Audioslave To: Give Me Love, Ed Sheeran (on repeat)

Blessed Be…