When a Little Knowledge is a Dangerous Thing

It’s funny how access to any kind of social media platform miraculously turns people into political analysts. 

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The Truth About Tips and Trust

It’s become a habit for me to take a cab from where I get off the south shuttle in the morning to the office. The building isn’t far – I could close the distance in 7 minutes. 5 if I walked with a purpose. The cab ride isn’t necessary, but I’ve found it to be a luxury I could let myself take if only in exchange for more time to do the things that need to be done. 

Today I handed my morning driver the amount needed to cover my fare, with about a little under 20 to spare. As I reached for the door handle, he turns to me and says, “Ma’am, may sukli pa po kayo.”

Change. It’s been a trend. Cabbies are more observant to give change back when it is warranted. How different from that cabbie from more than a decade ago, who blatantly asked for extra payment when I had the audacity to give him the exact amount. 

Maybe change has come. Not only from them, but from me. I, who asked first if they had change, before giving my payment. I found myself saying that it was okay. I knew I had overpaid – albeit not by much. But still. 

I wonder if the cabbies zipping around the Metro have noticed this – that people are now more willing to give what they’ve asked for, simply because they stopped asking for it. 

It’s surprising, sometimes, how I find the thread that connects all things in my rather colorful life. Today marks the fifth graduation I’ve held for a course I researched, designed and launched one year ago. The second for this year alone. Despite not being as popular as our older, more established courses, we’ve never had to cancel a class yet. 

I am fiercely proud of it – this program that was researched from the ground up, built from a framework that originally contained material I found to be unusable due to either lack of clarity or lack of relevance. This was my first design and it hasn’t failed me yet. 

As with any product, it has gone through many, many iteration cycles, each shorter than the last. No design is perfect. No design is permanent. With a perpetually evolving world, I have come to realize that all designs must evolve with it. 

But I digress.

In one iteration cycle, I decided to strengthen the topic on Relational Trust. Finding that I could not clearly delineate it from Organizational Trust, I eventually found a way to merge the two concepts in one: Building Trust. Trust is a universal belief. It is a truth from which all relationships stem – personal, professional or organizational. Graduation day is always the day when trust is discussed. 

Funny how, in all places, I found today’s thread between tipping a cabbie in the morning and discussing trust in the afternoon. 

Trust, I realize, is similar to the tips given. The less you ask, the more people are willing to give it. 

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Echo

I suddenly realized that I tried too much to be like you that I forgot to be myself. 

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2016.1: Starting Over Again

So obviously I haven’t been writing as much as I’ve been wanting to. There are days when something pops out of my mouth and I think, “That sounds awesome – that would look awesome in my blog!” And then I would completely end up NOT doing it. 

Or, like last night, when I hap opened this app (I’ve decided to try mobile story-creation), typed in “2016: Dear My 22-Year-Old Self” and then, after 5 minutes of not writing anything, I discarded the offendingly empty post. 

And so here I am, trying to restarts my journey into writing. Let’s hope this works out.  

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2015: Variations of Hell on Earth

There are a lot of things I can live with. Unfortunately, stupidity is not one of them. So can you imagine how difficult it is to perpetually be in the same breathing space as some who’s level of intelligence is in the negative? Can you understand how the level of difficulty increases when said unintelligent being is part of my group?

I used to think that maybe it’s me. Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I expect too much from someone who’s been here for less than a year. I know it’s not fair to compare how I was when I was new, so I try not to (although I end up doing it anyway). But when the consistency of her inconsistencies are unparalleled, and when the simplest of things cannot be done, and when the same errors are being committed time and time again, it leads me to believe otherwise.

It’s. Not. Me.

True enough, there’s more then enough dislike talking through me right now. I’m watching Lady J take the heat for a mistake committed by TGoE. I know it’s part of her role – accountability, right? It’s a leader thing, I get it. As long as The Garden of Eden is under her supervision, it will always be her mistake, even if it’s not. But when you look at the long and sordid situation they’re in and you realize that all of it could have been avoided simply by TGoE correctly managing expectations, can you really blame me for really wanting to drown the latter in the loo?

Lady J wonders why she sticks it out with us. TGoE’s answer is the Ms. Universe response: “I really love what I’m doing.” Dude, seriously. And yet, when the question “But what if what you’re doing doesn’t love you back?” is posed to her (and it has been – many, many times), she has no response.

I’ve come to understand that this seems to be her natural response to potential conflict situations – she withdraws, stays silent, puts on her “kawawa” face (which is the most annoying thing ever), and sulks. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in that head of hers (I have images of her very few neurons playing tag with each other – Goddess knows they have more than enough space). I wonder if it’s ever crossed her mind that she is, for most of the time, at fault? If you just base it on how she retells certain things, there was always someone else who told her the wrong thing. Or there was always someone else who misunderstood (but what she said was really correct. Like REALLY. She’s sure of it). It’s never her. It’s always someone else. Seriously, how long can someone delude themselves into always thinking this way (apparently, it’s been going on for almost 9 months and it’s still going strong!)?

I get it, you know. Her working in this kind of environment is hell for her. It’s difficult enough when you feel everything you do is wrong. It doesn’t help when every single person you work with (at least those who count) confirms this. Often times to your face. Her life in this office? This is her variation of hell.

Lady J is convinced that one day TGoE will decide to leave – not because she’s being to hard on her, not because of the fact that no one ever talks to her in the office (except for Robo-egg and Barney, but those are different stories and will be told at a different time), but because she will never be able to deliver. I, on the other hand, am firmly convinced that she’s not going anywhere anytime soon.

Try to look at it from a completely predatory point of view:

You get paid every fifteen days to do absolutely nothing of worth except encode random stuff which other people assign to you, mostly because they’re desperate for you to do something. But since you aren’t capable of delivering at a normal capacity, none of them will give you work that actually requires at least the smallest iota of intelligence. After all, at the end of the day, it’ll still be their necks on the line.

So you’re coasting along. No one really talks to you, save for a couple of poor souls who are, more or less, in the same boat, and it’s enough for you because at least you have “friends”. People talk to you behind your back (like literally – they sit behind you and they talk. Using not-so-soft voices) but you don’t really care. After all, work isn’t about making friends. When everyone else is loaded, you finally get assigned to a customer. And because you have all the time in the world, you spend a better half of an hour talking to them on the phone, not even considering that they might not have the same amount of time in their hands. And when you fuck up, you know that someone will always come to your rescue – because even if you know that they abhor your presence, they also have an image to uphold.

So it’s a blessed existence. You get something for doing absolutely nothing. Why on earth, would you leave?

So I’ll say it again. I don’t think she’s going to leave. If she had an ounce of pride, she would have left months ago. If she really cared about the rest of us, she would either have shaped up (because there has been more than enough time for the improvement to show) or shipped out (because her being here is actually weighing us down and we can’t look for a more suitable person because she’s still there).

But where is she? She’s still here. And honestly, I don’t see her going away anytime soon.

And this is my variation of hell.

Dark & Twisted…

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2015: Top 5

I recently took an online assessment which eventually told me what my top 5 strengths were. Upon reading the results, I came to the conclusion that I was unbearably honest while responding to the 177 questions.

Here were my Top 5:

1. Deliberative

Shared Theme Description:
People who are especially talented in the Deliberative theme are best described by the serious care they take in making decisions or choices. They anticipate the obstacles.

What Makes Me Stand Out?
Instinctively, you sometimes take time to reflect on what people say, reaching conclusions only after thoughtfully weighing the information, rather than reacting to the moment. Your practicality might have a sobering effect on certain types of discussions. Now and then, you intensify your own or other people’s capacity to consider “the bigger picture.” Because of your strengths, you select your friends with great care. You are comfortable nurturing up-close and personal relationships with these chosen individuals. The quality of your relationships is much more important to you than the number of people who say you are their friend. Driven by your talents, you might approach some days with a matter-of- fact or practical attitude. Sometimes you expect to do your work flawlessly. You may strive to reach the high standards you establish for yourself. Perhaps these are a bit more stringent or detailed than those set for you by others. By nature, you offer verbal feedback and positive reinforcement that is equal in measure to people’s accomplishments. Even though you praise sparingly, your words echo in the minds and hearts of recipients. When you compliment individuals, they have no doubt they are truly worthy of recognition. Chances are good that you choose not to reveal to others too much about yourself, your thoughts, and your feelings. You exercise great care and weigh all possible risks when you interact with people. You prefer to give sincere and well-deserved compliments. You are likely to refrain from acknowledging the talents, contributions, and accomplishments of individuals and groups until you have clear evidence they merit special acclaim.

My Own Conclusions (Did you really think I wasn’t going to put this in?):
Yes, I am not given to whims of fancy. It’s very unlikely that I will start screaming my head off in times of crises. I will very seldom have emotional outbursts (but when I do, expect a barrage of text messages or a phone call describing the incident complete with details). It’s not that I have no emotions – I just have them buried deep, deep, deep, deep down inside.

It’s true that I refuse to affirm for the sake of affirming. I don’t give recognition often, but when I do, I mean it. So if you’re just looking for affirmation, I am so not the person to go to. Unless you want to be bitterly disappointed.

My personal bubble is extremely big. I’m choosy – I don’t have a lot of friends, but the ones I have are the ones I intent to keep for life (until they wrong me, at which point I will hunt them down). I have requirements for friendships. Seriously.

I am intensely private and slightly obsessive-compulsive. You are not allowed to touch my things just because we’re friends. My friends are divided into “levels”. Just because we’ve known each other for a lifetime doesn’t mean you’re in my inner circle. So, following this line of logic, going out of town with me for four days… You know how this statement ends.

2. Competition

Shared Theme Description:
People who are especially talented in the Competition theme measure their progress against the performance of others. They strive to win first place and revel in contests.

What Makes Me Stand Out?
Because of your strengths, you are eager to broaden your knowledge and expand your skills when comparisons are made between you and your opponents. Sometimes your rivalries are public. Sometimes they are known only to you. Either way, you are determined to be victorious by capturing the top prize, finishing in first place, or being declared the very best. Driven by your talents, you consistently aim to turn in the prize-winning performance. A second- or third-place finish can send you into an emotional tailspin. Your ability to pull out of it depends on your other talents. Instinctively, you refuse to be content with your performance until you have been declared the most capable, successful, or accomplished person in the group. Just knowing you are being compared to others gives you the extra energy and determination you need to surpass everyone else’s performance. Chances are good that you are enthused about being declared the very best. The experience of winning likely means much more to you than any monetary reward. It’s very likely that you act like a rival when you are pitted against others and only one person can be declared the very best at something. Your deep-seated desire to finish in first place probably drives many of your choices and explains much of your behavior.

My Own Conclusions:
I am literally the most competitive person I know (well, except Lady J). I cannot stand being second best. I have to be the best. I guess that’s why I do the things I do. I revel in bragging rights – the money is nice but it’s really not the end all, be all for me. The thing about me, however, is that whenever I don’t come out on top, I immediately think it’s my fault. I’m not the type to blame it on… others. We also know where this is going.

3. Achiever

Shared Theme Description:
People who are especially talented in the Achiever theme have a great deal of stamina and work hard. They take great satisfaction from being busy and productive.

What Makes Me Stand Out?
It’s very likely that you ordinarily take time and exert extra effort to comprehend what you are reading. You probably refuse to rush through written material. Why? You likely intend to commit to memory as many facts and concepts as possible. Instinctively, you tend to be a very good adviser to many individuals. When offering suggestions or asking questions, you probably are much more engaged, intense, and involved than usual. Driven by your talents, you possess the physical and mental endurance to withstand hardships as well as stress. Characteristically you work harder and longer than most people are capable of doing. By nature, you tend to be quite selective about the company you keep. You prefer to spend time with individuals who are trustworthy. You consciously avoid people whose words and deeds indicate they value honesty less than you do. Chances are good that you labor tirelessly when you know your performance and results are being compared to those of other people. You probably find it hard to recall a time when you failed for lack of effort. You are naturally motivated to be the very best — not merely one of the top finishers. Your satisfaction comes from being “number one.”

My Own Conclusions:
This strengths apparently compliments “Competition” very well. I see a trend in my strengths. Seriously.

I do react to stress fairly well. When I say “I work well under pressure”, I’m actually not lying. I think it’s my ability to compartmentalize and “shelf” things that allow me to do this. There are times when the stress does get to me, but that takes a long while (but when it does I end up getting sick. I’m psychosomatic.)

I told you I have requirements for friends. With the trustworthy thing – let’s put it in perspective. My moral compass does not exactly point north, so I can’t be with someone who’s straight as an arrow (because eventually I will have to kill him). However, the people I deal with must be people I can trust – those who I know will not leave me hanging in the air or say something about me behind my back (seriously – if it’s true, say it to my face).

4. Intellection

Shared Theme Description:
People who are especially talented in the Intellection theme are characterized by their intellectual activity. They are introspective and appreciate intellectual discussions.

What Makes Me Stand Out?
It’s very likely that you are willing to spend time sharing your ideas with intelligent individuals. Of course, you want them to tell you their latest thinking. Conversations that involve a lot of questions and answers stimulate your mind. You know you have spent your time wisely when you have a number of new ideas, theories, or concepts to somehow file away or remember for future use. Because of your strengths, you are a well-read individual. People whom you have befriended turn to you for guidance. Often you help them see a situation or problem from a different perspective because of something you discovered while surveying a book, article, letter, or Internet site. For you, reading is the key that opens the door to a world of fresh ideas. You collect them, never knowing when something you read will benefit someone else. Instinctively, you sometimes enliven or stop conversations with your thought-provoking statements, unusual viewpoints, jarring questions, pointed demands, or candid opinions. Sometimes you deftly play the devil’s advocate — that is, take the opposing view. Once in a while, you force people to think philosophically about the meaning of good, evil, truth, justice, or happiness. Driven by your talents, you are the ideal example of a person with an open and agile mind. Thinking consumes a great portion of your time. You like to exchange ideas with individuals who are as well-read as you are. Your passion for the written word fuels your thought processes and lays the groundwork for sophisticated conversations. When you are alone, you probably reflect upon the thoughts of brilliant writers or the findings of notable researchers. Chances are good that you probably need a place where you can be alone to reflect on your experiences or conversations with people. You often draw conclusions about a person’s knowledge, skills, talents, likes, dislikes, or moods. These insights naturally influence how you interact with that individual in the coming days, weeks, or months.

My Own Conclusions:
I told you I had requirements!!! My people need to be smart. The don’t need to be brilliant, but they do need to be able to carry a decently, intellectually-stimulating conversation whenever they’re five feet away from me.

In senior year, while we were collecting all those things we wanted to show in our yearbooks, I had a friend who wrote “A thinker” on my “What Can You Say About Me?” sheet. That always stuck with me. Maybe I’ve always been like this or maybe he just knew me really well. More than two decades later, I guess things haven’t really changed that much.

I love to read!!! Reading is an escape, a chance to travel without ever having to leave my bed. A chance to become someone else, or live vicariously through a genuinely-written character. It was Nancy Drew that started it all for me in third grade. I haven’t stopped since then.

And, because I’m mean and I have to say this, reading does help me with my vocabulary. I mean, at least I know how to pronounce “siphon”.

5. Significance

Shared Theme Description:
People who are especially talented in the Significance theme want to be very important in the eyes of others. They are independent and want to be recognized.

What Makes Me Stand Out?
By nature, you can prod people to accomplish more than they thought possible. You purposely make an effort to know each one as an individual. You probably discover and appreciate the qualities that make every human being unique. Driven by your talents, you urge, coax, and even demand that individuals do whatever it takes to reach their goals. When you step forward and exercise your authority, most people let you push and prod them toward excellence. Instinctively, you seek jobs and assignments that allow you to influence people to do whatever needs to be done. You are eager to be in a position of authority. Chances are good that you look for people who share your strong work ethic and your desire for excellence. Apparently, it is easier for you to partner with individuals who are highly productive and industrious. You tend to define your worth and value in terms of what you do, how much you do, and how well you do it. You feel most successful when important people notice your accomplishments. Their opinions probably motivate you to work even harder and longer the next time. It’s very likely that you yearn to get ahead. You strive to acquire many of the status symbols and special privileges that come with rank, title, or position.

My Own Conclusions:
I can’t work with people who don’t have the same work ethic as I do. I seriously cannot take it. I’ve been known to be a slave driver (it’s true), a really, really harsh critic (it’s also true), and a bitch to work with (very, very true) – but this is because my standards are incredibly high. I have difficulty working with people who are less than competent – this speaks more of me, I know. But I am impatient when talking to someone who just cannot get it after a million explanations.

*          *          *

When I went through my Top 5 Strengths, I realized that I have no relational strengths. Seriously. I dislike humans. It’s very seldom that I find an automatic, effortless connection with one (and when I do, it’s usually with a person who dislikes humans as well). It’s not that I don’t want friends, it’s just that I’m not going to go out of my way to collect more than the ones I already have.

So these are my strengths in a nutshell. Pretty accurate, won’t you say?

Dark & Twisty…

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2015: How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?

I took a book out of my husband’s book: Tell the truth and let the pieces fall where they may.

When you get called into a close-door meeting because a colleague has issues with you, it definitely puts one in a mood. Today was one of those days.

So we have our Monday meeting. It started well enough – I had finished all the required reports last night and was able to send it over so I knew there was a possibility of us discussing it first thing this week. The meeting ran for about an hour an a half, after which P and I went back to our lives. About twenty minutes later, Lady J comes back out and says we need to have a talk with The Garden of Eden because she has issues with the both of us.

So D-Day finally arrived (I had been anticipating this since our episode last Saturday).

She started with P, and no matter how much I want to describe that in detail, it really isn’t my story to tell. So I’ll stick with mine (and because mine was waaaaaaay more intense). So she says, “You said last Saturday this relationship was not an easy one. I wanted to clarify what made you say that.”

Talk about flinging the door wide open.

Me, being the bitch that I am, the first statement out of my mouth was, “What I said was I know this relationship has been difficult.” And so the long and arduous conversation began…

Highlights:

Me: You know me. I don’t need to be friends with people I work with. You want to ask me right now if we’re friends? We’re not. I don’t need to be friends with you. I just need you to do your job.

* * *

Me: Remember <client name omitted>? You sent me the report at 11 PM. I came in at 7 AM to edit it because I didn’t get a chance to see it before that. You knew the meeting was at 9:30 am on the same day. I get it that you need help – but sana naisip mo din na may iba akong ginagawa. Wala kang konsiderasyon.

Me: You send me the report on a Thursday night, then you go on leave. I get it – it’s a credit leave, by all means take it, I don’t care. But then again, kahit pinaghirapan kong basahin yun hanggang hating gabi, paano ko sya ibabalik sayo e wala ka? Tapos presentation sa Monday?

* * *

GoE: (not verbatim) After the Baguio thing, I really thought everything was okay…
Me: Going on an out of town trip with me for four days does not make us friends.

* * *

GoE: (not verbatim) I was really affected when I gave you a gift on your birthday. And I know you said thank you. But after that you just kinda looked at the gift from the side and you didn’t even look at me. I felt snubbed. Feeling ko napahiya ako – especially since everyone was at the table.
Me: What kind of reaction were you expecting? (I am seriously bewildered by this.)
GoE: At least sana tumingin ka man lang sa akin.
Me: Well, I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. But if you ask me if I could relive the moment – would I react differently? No, I wouldn’t.

* * *

GoE: Sometimes I feel that when I make a mistake, it gets magnified. But pag kayo kayo lang, napagtatakpan.
Me: Okay – tell me about a time when this happened.
GoE: (goes off into a long explanation)
Me: So that’s an example of how when you make a mistake, it gets magnified. What about the other part?
GoE: It’s just a general feeling that I have…

* * *

GoE: (not verbatim) When you talked to me about , you said you had talked to <colleague’s name omitted>. Hindi na ako nakapalag dun kasi feeling ko hindi naman ako pakikinggan. You chose to believe <colleague’s name omitted> even if I was also there.
Me: You know why? I think there is something fundamentally wrong with our relationship. I don’t trust you. I seriously question your judgement. And you have absolutely no credibility in my eyes whatsoever.

* * *

GoE: (not verbatim) I really am trying…
Me: It makes me wonder… is done. Four of your five accounts are dead. You have no sales and no runs. What’s going to happen to you now?

* * *

Me: I’m tired. I’m tired and frustrated. It’s been six months. It took you four months to learn a 3-day program – and that’s not even to its completion. How on earth with you survive the coming days?

* * *

Me: Did you ever tell people that every time you become close to another consultant, I do something to make the closeness go away?
GoE: (semi-horrified look) I never said anything like that…
Me: The thing is, you can say that I’m a slave driver. I know I make you do a lot of things. I know I’m horribly strict when it comes to the reviews. And if you say all of these things, it’s okay because it’s true. But when I heard about that, honestly, it kinda affected me – because then it became… personal.
GoE: (not verbatim) I apologize for that.
Me: At this point it’s irrelevant.

* * *

Me: You know when it really started to bother me? When I ran a hundred hours in May, <consultant’s name omitted> ran 84, I hardly ever saw <consultant’s name omitted>, <consultant’s name omitted> got shipped off to . Even <consultant’s name omitted> went on medical leave. EVERYONE was busy. Except you.

* * *

GoE: Is it a dead end for me?
Me: What do you mean by that?
GoE: Is it a dead end? In your opinion.
Me: When you say dead end, what you do mean? Are you asking me if I’ll ever trust you again? Are you asking if I’ll ever see you as credible? What?

* * *

GoE: Do you accept my apology?
Me: (split-second hesitation) Yes. But it won’t be clean slate. I will never forget.

* * *

This day. I love this day.

Dark & Twisted…

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