I Like Me Better When I’m With You

Because being with you is like coming home.

Leave a comment

Filed under This So-Called Life

The Life Not Chosen

So I haven’t written in a while. Life happened… and maybe I’m falling back in the cycle of letting another 24-hours pass without me putting words on paper. And that’s one cycle that I really don’t want to get back into.

I’ve been reading Sarah Ban Breathnach’s Daybook on Simple Abundance. I’ve had the book for years – never bothered reading it. When I think about it, reading Something More (the first book that introduced me to her) was an outcome of a required reading during my senior year in uni than any genuine interest in it. Little was I to know that it would be a book that would forever change my life.

I got pregnant the same year I completed uni. He wasn’t ready for it – but then again, neither was I. I was 22, with no one friends other than those that he “approved” of, and completely had my world revolving around him. I was too afraid to decide, so I allowed him to decide for me.

And that was possibly the one, single regret that I have until now.

I saw my son for several minutes before I had to let him go. They buried my son… and, almost sixteen year later, I still have no idea where he is. And there is no year that goes by that I do not wonder – not just about where he was laid to rest, but also about what would have happened had I chosen differently… had I chosen at all.

One night, weeks after that happened, I woke up crying. My heart was breaking and my soul was fading and I couldn’t find the words to tell anyone. Then he looked at me, completely bewildered, and said he couldn’t understand why I was crying. I think that was when my heart broke so completely, that there was no hope of it ever being put back to the way it was. That night gave birth to Eris, the Mistress of Discord. And that night… that night I died.

It’s only now that I have realized that I had given him his freedom – that he saw my loss as another chance to live his life as if nothing had happened. But something had… and it had changed me.

I have never been the same since then.

Leave a comment

Filed under Secret Life of Bees

Do What Makes Your Soul Shine

Maybe this is a year for difficult conversations… Of the slow telling of truths that have been buried deep and long ago. Of, hopefully, letting go of fears that have been rooted in darkness and uncertainty.

Maybe this is a year of sunlight and hope. Of unexpected melodies that brighten up hearts and puts soft smiles on lips. Maybe this year the doubts will ebb away. Maybe this year it won’t be so hard to believe.

Every butterfly I get belongs to you
You don’t believe me, but it’s true
Sure, the freckles on my arm spell out your name
Real feelings coming through

‘Cause all I know and all I am is you
Yeah, all I know and all I am is you
I’m breaking my silence
‘Cause I’ve had a few
I just can’t deny it
That all I know and all I am is you

Every time I think I’m falling
I know you’re falling too
There’s no doubt you’re all in
If you ever think you’re falling
You know I’ll catch you too
‘Cause all I am is you

Every daydream I have starts and ends with you
I wanna play it one more time
When I need an alibi, you’re my perfect excuse
You are always on my side
‘Cause all I know and all I am is you

I’m breaking my silence
‘Cause I’ve had a few
I just can’t deny it
That all I know and all I am is you

Every time I think I’m falling
I know you’re falling too
There’s no doubt you’re all in
If you ever think you’re falling
You know I’ll catch you too
All I am is you

It feels like I’m miles away
You bring me back home again
You hold me through my mistakes
Let go as we start again
You’re a habit I’ll never break
No no, no no, no

I’m breaking my silence
‘Cause I’ve had a few
I just can’t deny it (oh, no)
That all I know and all I am is you

Every time I think I’m falling
I know you’re falling too
There’s no doubt you’re all in
If you ever think you’re falling
You know I’ll catch you too
All I am, oh
‘Cause all I know and all I am is you
Yeah, all I know and all I am is you
‘Cause all I know and all I am is you

Yeah, all I know and all I am is you

All I Am
Jess Glyne

Leave a comment

Filed under Jei Pod, This So-Called Life

All I Ask of You

img_0003

Like seriously.

*       *      *

… “He turned his head, an eye still on the wall of flickering flames. Such pain, and grief, and rage in those eyes. Yet, somehow, beneath it all – a spark of spirit. Of hope.

Aelin extended her hand – a question and an offer and a promise.

“To a better future,” she said.

“You came back,” he said, as if that were an answer.

They joined hands.

So the world ended.

And the next one began.”

On Aelin Ashryver Galathynius, Queen of Terrasen,

 

and Dorian Havilliard, King of Adarlan

From Queen of Shadows, Sarah J. Maas

Leave a comment

Filed under No Man's Land

Once and Always

My friend gave me back one of the books I loaned her probably about a year ago – something that personally, I haven’t even read. So I’m taking the time to finally start reading it now.

There are books that have successfully changed my life – this still remains true after all these years… after I first wrote it here. There is one book in particular, that found me at a time when I had truly lost all sense of self… So much that I turned myself into a completely different person, all to ensure that the one who was supposedly so in love with me wouldn’t leave.

But he tried to, anyway. Every single year of the four that we were together. Until one day, he tried to leave… and I let him. And when he tried coming back, I realized I would survive without him… and so I refused to let him back in. I realized that losing him was a lesser evil than losing sight of who I was.

But, admittedly, that left me broken. I had given so much of myself and he had taken so much of me that  I couldn’t wrap my head around how I was supposed to piece everything together. Looking back at it now, I still haven’t quite mapped out the journey that I took… just that it was a path that I had to walk on my own.

img_9623

I am not ashamed of having been broken. It made me strong and independent, but it also made me afraid and untrusting. And I think the path of broken-ness is still something that I walk – and something that I have been walking on for more than a decade now. And today, I’ve decided that it is okay. That I’m alright with still being on that road… and I am alright with still not having been able to completely put myself together.

Perhaps it will take another decade… maybe it will take longer than that, but the act of picking up the pieces of my life is something that cannot be rushed. And I refuse to pretend that I have everything fixed and everything planned when, in truth, sometimes I find myself living one day at a time.

But I am living… not just surviving. And I’ll take the joy with the sorrow, the peace with the pain. I refuse to exist in limbo and so I will ask the difficult questions and I’ll take the answers that come my way. I will not settle. I will not be an option – not when I deserve to be a choice that someone makes everyday.

I deserve to be a choice that I make for myself every single day.

It was Joe E. Lewis who said “You only live once – but if you work it right, once is enough.” I will make sure that once is enough.

Leave a comment

Filed under iRead, No Man's Land

Semantics

What’s the difference between an assumption and a conclusion?

An assumption is something you believe to be true, sometimes even with the absence of complete or relevant information.

A conclusion is a thought or a point reached after gathering, analyzing and considering pertinent data.

You do not get to judge a situation without understanding the story behind it. You don’t get to hear the story without asking the right questions.

So, sometimes, it might be a better idea to listen to me first, before you listen to that little voice inside your head, which might be telling a story so different from what actually happened. But without the backstory, you don’t get to judge the situation.

You do not get to judge me.

Leave a comment

Filed under This So-Called Life

Of Liking Halves But Loving Wholes

I’m a firm believer that you can’t just love parts of people. You can’t just love them when they’re fun to be with, or when they’re the best version of themselves. I still think loving someone – really loving someone – means that you take the good with the bad. That you love them at their best exactly the same way you love them when they’re at their worst.

But it doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they do. Or that you’re blinded by their faults. Or, worse yet, that you sweep their faults under the rug and pretend they don’t exist.

We’re all human, and we’re all at fault at one time or another. And maybe it doesn’t make us less when we are at fault… just like it doesn’t make us better when we aren’t. Perhaps it simply makes us… different.

I do, however, feel that this truth is easier to accept when we’ve actually chosen to love someone (yes, I believe that love is a choice, and that will be the written about at some other time, in some other post). But what if it was someone that we never chose to love?

Like family.

It’s true that there are families we run from and there are families that we run to. But what about the one that is bound to us by blood? And, no matter how hard we try, we realize, for better or worse, they’re the only family we’ve got.

I recently understood a certain truth about a certain clan in my bloodline – never mind that I am bound to them by name, and not by blood – that I seem to have trouble accepting. They’re wonderful people – well-travelled, experienced, liberated, a little off-tangent, not always my cup of tea – but wonderful. And for all of our differences, I’ve been always been able to take it with grace. I’ve always been able to chalk it up to having been brought up differently… to having grown up in a different environment… to having lived a different kind of life. But now there is one thing that I seemingly cannot simply brush aside.

I realized that I didn’t like the way they treated people. The help, to be specific. Yes, they may have been the one paying for wages, but I still don’t think that gives them (or anyone paying for anyone else’s wages, for that matter) the right to treat people like they were… less. They’ve always treated me well, but sometimes I wonder if it’s because I have the same “status” – if not more so, since my father stands as the head of the family.

I didn’t like it when they treat others – particularly the ones who may be seen as inferior – differently. As if they don’t matter as much. As if they don’t deserve the same amount of respect that we ask for. With the number of demands made over the past several days, I wonder – did anyone bother asking them if they were okay? Were they able to eat well? Did they get enough sleep? How were their families since they had to spend the holidays apart?

Then again, I didn’t ask either. And maybe that makes me no better than them. And maybe that’s something that needs to change.

I love my family. I do… I just don’t like all of them all the time. And maybe, just maybe… that should be okay.

Leave a comment

Filed under This So-Called Life