I almost wish that I could say that these were my creations… but they’re not. As a testament to my evilness, I actually sent this to my entire team >:)
Definitions of a Twisted Mind:
1. Achievement: You can do anything you set your mind to when you have a vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor.
2. Adversity: That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.
3. Agony: Not all pain is gain.
4. Ambition: The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.
5. Apathy: If we don’t take care of the customer, maybe they’ll stop bugging us.
6. Arrogance: The best leaders inspire by example. When that’s not an option, brute intimidation works pretty well, too.
7. Beauty: If you’re attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core.
8. Bitterness: Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world, because there’s nothing the world loves more than the taste of really sweet dreams.
9. Blame: The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
10. Burnout: Attitudes are contagious. Mine might kill you.
11. Change: It’s a short trip from riding waves of change to being torn apart by the jaws of defeat.
12. Change (Winds): When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can become deadly projectiles.
13. Cluelessness: There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.
14. Compromise: Let’s agree to respect each other’s views, no matter how wrong yours may be.
15. Conformity: When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
16. Consulting: If you’re not a part of the solution, there’s good money to be made in prolonging the problem.
17. Dare to Slack: When birds fly in the right formation, they need only exert half the effort. Even in nature, teamwork results in collective laziness.
18. Defeat: For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are you’re one of them.
19. Delusions: There is no greater joy than soaring high on the wings of your dreams, except maybe the joy of watching a dreamer who has nowhere to land but in the ocean of reality.
20. Demotivation: Sometimes the best solution to the morale problems is just to fire all of the unhappy employees.
21. Despair: It’s always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
22. Destiny: You were meant for me. Perhaps as a punishment.
23. Discovery: A company that will go to the ends of the Earth for its people will find it can hire them for about 10% of the cost of Americans.
24. Disloyalty: There comes a time when every team must learn to make individual sacrifices.
25. Disservice: It takes months to find a customer, but only seconds to lose one… the good news is that we should run out of them in no time.
26. Do It Later: The early worm is for the birds. 27. Doubt: In the battle between you and the world, bet on the world.
28. Dreams: Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.
29. Dysfunction: The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.
30. Effort: Hard work never killed anybody, but it is illegal in some places.
31. Elitism: It’s lonely at the top, but it’s comforting to look down upon everyone at the bottom.
32. Failure: When your best just isn’t good enough.
33. Fear: Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea.
34. Flattery: If you want to get to the top, prepare to kiss a lot of the bottom.
35. Futility: You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, and, statistically speaking, 99% of the shots you do.
36. Get To Work: You aren’t being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.
37. Goals: It’s best to avoid standing directly between a competitive jerk and his goals.
38. Hazards: There is an island of opportunity in the middle of every difficulty. Miss that, though, and you’re pretty much doomed.
39. Humiliation: The harder you try, the dumber you look.
40. Idiocy: Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
41. Ignorance: It’s amazing how much easier it is for a team to work together when no one has any idea where they’re going.
42. Incompetence: When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there’s no end to what you can’t do.
43. Indifference: It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn’t take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.
44. Individuality: Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
45. Ineptitude: If you can’t learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.
46. Insanity: It’s difficult to comprehend how insane some people can be. Especially when you’re insane.
47. Inspiration: Genius is 1 percent inspiration, which is why engineers sometimes smell really bad.
48. Intimidation: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent, but you’d be fool to withhold that from your superiors.
49. Irresponsibility: No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood.
50. Laziness: Success is a journey, not a destination. So stop running.
51. Leader: Leaders are like eagles. We don’t have either of them here.
52. Limitations: Until you spread your wings, you’ll have no idea how far you can walk.
53. Loneliness: If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you’re not alone. And yet you are alone. So very alone.
54. Losing: If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
55. Madness: Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “Hey, is there room in your head for one more?”
56. Mediocrity: It takes a lot less time and most people won’t notice the difference until it’s too late.
57. Meetings: None of us is as dumb as all of us.
58. Misfortune: While good fortune often eludes you, this kind never misses.
59. Mistakes: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
60. Motivation: If a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. The kind robots will be doing soon.
61. Nepotism: We promote family values here – almost as often as we promote family members.
62. Overconfidence: Before you attempt to be at odds, be sure you could survive the odds beating you.
63. Pessimism: Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.
64. Persistence: It’s over, man. Let her go.
65. Planning: Much work remains to be done before we can announce out total failure to make any progress.
66. Potential: Not everyone gets to be an astronaut when they grow up.
67. Power: Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. But it rocks absolutely, too.
68. Pressure: It can turn a lump of a coal into a flawless diamond, or an average person into a perfect basket case.
69. Pretension: The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you’re pretentious.
70. Problems: No matter how great and destructive your problems may seem now, remember, you’ve probably only seen the tip of them.
71. Procrastination: Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.
72. Quality: The race for quality has no finish line – so technically, it’s more like a death march.
73. Regret: It hurts to admit when you make mistakes – but when they’re big enough, the pain only lasts a second.
74. Retirement: Because you’ve given so much of yourself to the Company that you don’t have anything left we can use.
75. Risks: If you never try anything new, you’ll miss out on many of life’s great disappointments.
76. Sacrifice: Your role may be thankless, but if you’re willing to give it your all, you just might bring success to those who outlast you.
77. Sacrifice (Temple): All we ask here is that you give us your heart.
78. Strife: As long as we have each other, we’ll never run out of problems.
79. Stupidity: Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win AND never quit are idiots.
80. Success: Some people dream of success, while other people live to crush those dreams.
81. Teamwork: A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.
82. Trouble: Luck can’t last a lifetime unless you die young.
83. Underachievement: The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower.
84. Wishes: When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it’s really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you’re pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it’s death by meteor.
85. Worth: Just because you’re necessary doesn’t mean you’re important.