Yesterday I was mouthing off about how the root cause of my ex’s meanness was his insecurity. I guess today it’s my turn. My bad, too. I’m tired of feeling like there’s a constant need to prove myself, that I always have to be better, prettier, smarter… otherwise people will find other people to replace me. It’s my fault… my paranoia… my own insecurity that makes me lose all logical train of thought just because Boyfriend sent “CTC?” to an Elisha Torres.
And no, he doesn’t know that I know.
You know, I really don’t understand the need to chat with people that I don’t know. I don’t understand the need to be liked by people. Maybe it’s the same with him… it’s been a year and a couple of months that we’ve been together, but I still feel that there are aspects to my personality that he doesn’t understand. Or doesn’t accept.
Sometimes I hate it, how one person’s opinion about things affect me so much. It hurts so much when I feel that he doesn’t approve… but then it teleports me back to those days when I didn’t really care if people thought my actions were worthy of their approval or not. There are days when I feel there’s this mold that I have to fit into, a mold that dictates that I have to be nice, polite, not speak loudly in public, not express my opinions. Then there are days when I feel that he’s completely okay with who and what I am.
I have to admit, the bipolar relationship sometimes screws with my head.