I really don’t remember today. Not really.
What I mostly have stored is the memories of my tears, of feeling like my heart was tearing itself apart…
I spent some time digging through old pictures and a little part of me wished I hadn’t. Too many pictures… too many memories… too many trails to find… to many things that should have let go of.
Again, it doesn’t hurt anymore. Not like it used to, anyway. I remember the girl, but the feelings that went along with her beautiful face have faded. Just enough, I guess, to keep me from going into a full blown psychosis. I’d post pictures of her here – I don’t know if in my mind that somehow makes me feel that my episodes were somehow justified – but that would border on needing therapy in the worst possible way. I’m still trying my best to not click the “Add as Friend” button when I happen across her profile.
… understands. That’s what I wrote in my online account. Boyfriend asked me what I understood. This was what I said.
“I understand that I owe myself something. I owed it to myself to not be in a place that made me feel like a complete failure every single day of my life. I owed it to myself to be happy.”
Again, I don’t remember today. Not really. I really don’t feel well, but this is an improvement from how I felt earlier.
I wish Boyfriend would wake up. I love the quiet, but sometimes the loneliness is enough to make me want to smash my head against the wall.
Holed Up in: Our Room in Colorado
Drowning in: TV Dialogue that I’m really not listening to