Bad Waking Dreams

The Bottom Line

Your bright energy could cause you some problems at work — unless you slow down.

In Detail

Prepare yourself for a big meeting with the boss. You have something to ask them, most likely about a raise, bonus or promotion you were promised a while back. If you know you’ve done everything you were asked to do and more — and when haven’t you — that should give you all the confidence you need to broach the subject. That and maybe just a teeny bit of rehearsing in front of the bathroom mirror.

Gawd… I don’t want to have a meeting with the boss.  I don’t want to meet with anyone today.  In fact, if I didn’t have the SERVE class to run with Toga’s new hires, I wouldn’t even go to work.  It’s gotten THAT bad.  I have moments wherein I think about work and I break out in a cold sweat.  I absolutely dread it.

Last night, I was chatting with an former officemate and told him, “I’m so near the end of my rope, it’s scary”.  I’m not the job-hopping type – I would try to work out things as much as I can.  The last 6 years and a half was not a walk in the park.  It had its really good moments as well as its really bad moments.  I guess, when I look back at the thing I call my career, I remember more good things than bad experiences… and I understand why I stayed.  For 6 and a half years.

But now, the scale’s beginning to tip in the other direction.  Despite liking what I do (I really do like the whole training thing), and getting to be with my friends, I don’t feel the same level of conviction that it’s worth staying.  Every single day, I feel like I’m dragging myself to work.  The managers don’t really care if I exist or not – unless I or someone in my team does something wrong.  THEN all the attention’s on me.  Is this what it’s become?  To only be noticed when I do something bad and to be taken for granted for all other times?

I have little “episodes” playing in my head – having a meeting with my team… or handing something to my boss… but every one always has the same message.  I had made up my mind.  I was leaving.

At one point I told myself that I understood.  I understood that I owed myself something.  I owed it to myself to not be in a place that made me feel like crap every single day of my life.  I don’t look forward to the weekend because of the rest.  I look forward to the weekend because I wouldn’t need to interact with the management.  Because for two entire days, I could almost forget that they were a part of my life.

I used to think that things were better now that I have a different boss.  With Maureen, I just felt unguided.  Directionless.  Plus the fact that if she did point me to a particular direction, I’d probably start running the other way.  And then there’s Geoffrey.  He’s smart, personable, objective and, for the last 2 company surveys that were rolled out – someone who I said what a leader should be.  This week, I haven’t spoken to my boss face to face.  I’ve received 2 emails from him, neither of which contained anything good.  Is this what our once slightly-aloof-but-professional relationship has come to?  I’m beginning to think that I was better off with Meow.  At least with her, I just felt demotivated.  With him, I feel demotivated and incompetent.  Sometimes I realize that I’m not even angry anymore.  I’m just sad.

I’m so broken that it now takes other people to remind me that I’m actually good at what I do.  What have I become?  How do I break out of this?  Is leaving really the only way out?

Holed Up in Our Room in Colorado

Drowning in Deafening Silence

Blessed Be…


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