The Bottom Line
Your bright energy could cause you some problems at work — unless you slow down.
Prepare yourself for a big meeting with the boss. You have something to ask them, most likely about a raise, bonus or promotion you were promised a while back. If you know you’ve done everything you were asked to do and more — and when haven’t you — that should give you all the confidence you need to broach the subject. That and maybe just a teeny bit of rehearsing in front of the bathroom mirror.
Gawd… I don’t want to have a meeting with the boss. I don’t want to meet with anyone today. In fact, if I didn’t have the SERVE class to run with Toga’s new hires, I wouldn’t even go to work. It’s gotten THAT bad. I have moments wherein I think about work and I break out in a cold sweat. I absolutely dread it.
Last night, I was chatting with an former officemate and told him, “I’m so near the end of my rope, it’s scary”. I’m not the job-hopping type – I would try to work out things as much as I can. The last 6 years and a half was not a walk in the park. It had its really good moments as well as its really bad moments. I guess, when I look back at the thing I call my career, I remember more good things than bad experiences… and I understand why I stayed. For 6 and a half years.
But now, the scale’s beginning to tip in the other direction. Despite liking what I do (I really do like the whole training thing), and getting to be with my friends, I don’t feel the same level of conviction that it’s worth staying. Every single day, I feel like I’m dragging myself to work. The managers don’t really care if I exist or not – unless I or someone in my team does something wrong. THEN all the attention’s on me. Is this what it’s become? To only be noticed when I do something bad and to be taken for granted for all other times?
I have little “episodes” playing in my head – having a meeting with my team… or handing something to my boss… but every one always has the same message. I had made up my mind. I was leaving.
At one point I told myself that I understood. I understood that I owed myself something. I owed it to myself to not be in a place that made me feel like crap every single day of my life. I don’t look forward to the weekend because of the rest. I look forward to the weekend because I wouldn’t need to interact with the management. Because for two entire days, I could almost forget that they were a part of my life.
I used to think that things were better now that I have a different boss. With Maureen, I just felt unguided. Directionless. Plus the fact that if she did point me to a particular direction, I’d probably start running the other way. And then there’s Geoffrey. He’s smart, personable, objective and, for the last 2 company surveys that were rolled out – someone who I said what a leader should be. This week, I haven’t spoken to my boss face to face. I’ve received 2 emails from him, neither of which contained anything good. Is this what our once slightly-aloof-but-professional relationship has come to? I’m beginning to think that I was better off with Meow. At least with her, I just felt demotivated. With him, I feel demotivated and incompetent. Sometimes I realize that I’m not even angry anymore. I’m just sad.
I’m so broken that it now takes other people to remind me that I’m actually good at what I do. What have I become? How do I break out of this? Is leaving really the only way out?
Holed Up in Our Room in Colorado
Drowning in Deafening Silence