I spent most of last night with my family – despedida dinner for an aunt and uncle who are going back to the US on the 20th. Too many people asked me where I had disappeared to – something I don’t think I’ve done – that I actually asked my nieces, “Why do people keep saying that I’ve finally reappeared? How many family things have I missed, anyway?” They had no idea. I swear, too much exposure to my family brings out the worst in me. Talk about the beginnings of a tantrum.
Yes, I did not go to Baguio with the family two weeks ago, but if I remember correctly – and I DO – I was disinvited. Who on earth gets disinvited to a family outing??? Apparently, I do. Here’s the thing. If there is a budget and it couldn’t accommodate me anymore, it’s fine. Having my travel and living expenses shouldered was not the point. The point was me being there with the family. I guess suddenly receiving a message saying, “Since you went with us to _______, it’s so-and-so’s turn to go with us. We’ll bring you next time.” did not sit well with me. People of the world, I have gone up to Baguio without a car, even without standing reservations at any hotel. Surviving a weekend without plans was not a problem. I guess I didn’t really think family gatherings were on a take-turns basis.
Am I overreacting? I’m sure a lot of people would say I am. But, hey, my perspective. My feelings. Very valid. I do have the right to feel bad, right? I never thought I could love one half of a couple and dislike the other half so much.
And, of course, my uncle, transparent man that he is, called me over five minutes after I arrived and asked if there was anything wrong because his wife sent me so many messages and I haven’t responded to any of it. Many? Many?!?! I got a total of two messages from her. I told him there was nothing wrong between us (me and him)… I then sent a message to Chris with very, very colorful words. I really felt bad about it, I guess. I just never took the time to write about it before because without my family in front of me, it was easy to forget that I felt left behind (or thrown away).
The other thing I realized last night was whenever I’m with my entire family, I suddenly morph into a true Palenzuela – even my accent changes! I turn into one of my nieces. And this is validated because Hank agreed to my observation when I mentioned it to him. I knew there was a reason why I grew up away from them. I love my family, don’t get me wrong. And even with my horribly complicated history, I know I am a true Palenzuela – more than a decade of estrangement being parent-less didn’t stop me from turning out exactly like them. Growing up away from the family does have its perks, though. I got all the dominant characteristics, making it undeniable that I am part of the family, without the obsessive, self-destructive tendencies (or, at least, I have more control over mine). So I do believe that everything really does happen for a reason.
Anyway, I opted to go home early, seeing that I have work today and I’m trying my best to come in before 8:30 am. I got back to the condo around 11 pm and immediately checked my email to read through the materials for the Siemen’s session tomorrow. To make a not-so-long-story short, I was working until a little after midnight. So today, I’m writing this with bleary eyes and a slight headache. But I have PS in about two hours and a half and I’m praying that sometime between now and before we start, I become fully functional and act like a social being.
I guess we’ll see…
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You’re
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I’m calling
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling
And You’ve told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
‘Cause I am Yours
I am Yours
Who I Am
And I am praying for one night... Just one night, that I will be able to sleep soundly until dawn. One night. Please? Blessed Be...