“Kitang-kita ko kanina,” said Arthur. “Namumula na ang mata mo.” (I saw your eyes earlier. They were red.)
He was the only one who saw, you see. And what he saw were tears.
Tears. Tears. I, the Ice Queen, barely kept myself from falling apart during that meeting that could only be described as cruel. The last time I remember feeling that bad was when my then-boss’s boss called me into his office to tell me that in thirty days, my then-position would be officially declared redundant.
It wasn’t the fear of failure that was so frustrating. It wasn’t even the admission of defeat. It was the giving up without a fight. It was that when push came to shove, we took the coward’s way out. That, more than anything else, I think, broke me. You see, I am not fearless, but I have never been a coward.
I am perfectly aware that had we pushed through, there was an enormous possibility that we would have found ourselves in over our heads and drowned. But then again, had that happened, at least we would have drowned trying.
And so, when I was asked if I was angry, I was not lying when I said no. I will say it again – no, I’m not angry.
I am heartbroken with disappointment.