Missing (88/365)

You tuck me in,
Turn out the light
kept me safe and sound at night
little girls depend on things like that

Brushed my teeth and combed my hair
had to drive me everywhere
you were always there when I looked back

You had to do it all alone
Make a living, make a home
Must have been as hard as it could be

And when I couldn’t sleep at night
Scared things wouldn’t turn out right
you would hold my hand and sing to me

Caterpillar in the tree, how you wonder who you’ll be
can’t go far but you can always dream
Wish you may and wish you might
Don’t you worry, hold on tight.
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away

Turned around and you were there
The two of us made quite a pair
Daddy’s little girl was here at last
Looked away and back again
Suddenly a year was ten
Don’t know how it got so far so fast

And yes dear, you don’t understand
It’s not anything we planned
Kind of makes you think it’s meant to be (it’s a destiny)
I always knew the day would come
You’d stop crawling, start to run
Beautiful as beautiful can be

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you’ll be
Can’t go far but you can always dream
Wish you may and wish you might
Don’t you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away (butterfly fly away)
Got your wings, now you can’t stay
Take those dreams and make them all come true

Butterfly fly away (butterfly fly away)
You’ve been waiting for this day
All along you’ve known just what to do

Butterfly, butterfly, butterfly
Butterfly fly away
Butterfly fly away (I hope you find your way and all the things you wish for, love and care about)
Butterfly fly away (oh, won’t you fly away)
Butterfly fly away (oh, won’t you fly away)
Butterfly fly away

“Butterfly Fly Away”, Miley Cyrus

***

I have accumulated a number of pseudonyms over the years, some more famous than others. Whether this is something that most people are familiar with is something I cannot guarantee – the fact that I have named myself the Snow Queen.  I think to understand why, you need to know a little bit more about my life.  

A lot of people say I am good in a crisis – probably because I am not the type who panics, who loses her head, or gets carried away by intense emotions.  I’d like to say that it’s because of an abnormally high EQ level, but deep down, I know myself enough to say it isn’t true.

I am, in a way, damaged goods.  Every time I train, I always tell my participants that I have no regrets about the way I lived my life – that includes all the choices that I’ve made, good and bad.  And I don’t.  But I can’t say that everything’s that happened hasn’t taken a toll on me.  If it hasn’t, I’d be the most well-adjusted person on the face of the earth.

I’m not.

I am the Snow Queen because of my inability to feel certain emotions on the spot.  That’s why I’m not prone to emotional outbursts.  The only emotion that uncontrollably washes over me in “right now” moments is anger – and even then I very seldom get to the point of actually expressing it (although this could be a good thing, considering I get very violent when angry).  I  rationalize and I repress… Sometimes I feel excessive amounts of these were what made me reach the point of clinical depression in the past.

But, as optimists out there often say, tomorrow is always a better day.  I’d like to believe that.  Deep inside, I really don’t think I live for love.

I think, in the end, I would like to say I lived for hope.

Ciao Bella!

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Filed under Jei Pod, Secret Life of Bees, This So-Called Life

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