16 in ’12: Mirrors

A couple of weeks ago, my friends and spent more than 12 hours in Republiq, talking about anything and everything under the sun. I guess when you don’t see each other for a year, there’s a lot to talk about. Towards the end of the night (Day? We went our separate ways at 3:30 am, so I’m not too sure what to use), the topic strayed to one of our favorites – our exes.

Most infamous for me, of course, was the late, great NBS. I was asked the “Boy Abunda” question: If there was anything I would say to him, what would it be?

I mulled over it for a while. And then for a couple of days. And now I finally have an answer.

“Answers” to be exact – “I’m sorry”, “Have faith” and “I forgive you”.

There is a plan, by the way, to write a completely different post about this. Those three answers really do need a lot of explanation. But here’s something for right now…

People are surprised that “I’m sorry” was something that came out, I think – after all, things did not end well and bridges were burned all around (His words, not mine. Also, his decision, not mine). The thing is, I was not the perfect girlfriend (and this is more than just “the perfect girlfriend” who has so much in common with “the perfect man”, “santa claus” and “the easter bunny”). I was not the easiest person to handle (I’m still not). I gave him a lot of grief (a true talent, if I do say so myself).

But more than that, I was sorry because I failed him in one area that was unforgivable – I loved a lot of things more than I loved him.

One thing that I did admit to towards the end was I was more enamored with my job than the person I was doing it for. Looking back, it reminds me so much of that story I used to tell when I run TSM…

…There was once a man who wanted to give his family a good life. He kept thinking, “If I could only save $1,000,000 in 5 years, I could give them the life they deserve and I would be happy.” So the man worked night and day for years and years, trying to save up. After a little more than 5 years, he checked his savings account and found that his savings had reached $1,000,000. You would think he was the happiest man on earth.

But he wasn’t.

In his quest to save up $1,000,000 in 5 years, he spent so much time in the office that his kids grew up barely knowing their father… He let his life revolve around his work that eventually his wife felt taken for granted and left.

He was $1,000,000 richer, but one family poorer.

Sometimes, I think, we forget the very reason why we do things.

I did.

***

Dear You,

I’m sorry I loved my work more that I loved you. I don’t regret a lot of things and I’m really not sorry for choosing to be the way I am. But even I have to admit that I owed you that much.

That, and the fact that I think I’m in the place you once were when you were with me. They say you never really really figure out if something’s right or wrong for you until you’ve tried it. They were right. They also say you’ll never quite understand a person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. They were right about that too.

Karma, as I’ve finally figured out, is a bitch.

Always,
Me

P.S. I’m also sorry that I broke your heart and it never healed. I’m sorry that after we broke up you stopped being angry and started being cruel. But most of all, I’m sorry that you made the world pay for it in every way imaginable.

P.P.S. Always remember, karma’ll be a bitch to you too.



Ciao Bella!

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1 Comment

Filed under No Man's Land, Secret Life of Bees, This So-Called Life

One response to “16 in ’12: Mirrors

  1. I’m sorry that after we broke up you stopped being angry and started being cruel. But most of all, I’m sorry that you made the world pay for it in every way imaginable.

    That line is so deliciously poetic.

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