I don’t get a lot of nights like this, so I am extremely grateful for tonight. It’s not very often that I find myself able to sit out in the balcony after midnight, stare out into the distance and drown myself in my thoughts.
The streets are empty tonight. I can see the driveway that leads to the compound – this little piece of carefully constructed land that often makes me forget I am in Manila. The lights along the sidewalk cast a soft glow on our cobbled streets. It’s just enough to save someone from losing their step. The same glow casts shadows on the walls, creating beautiful shapes and elegant lines – dark against light. Masterpieces in their own right.
In the distance I can see lights from street lamps and windows. Further still, barely visible to my weak eyesight are what I think are city lights. It dances, those city lights. It’s like watching soft waves of color ripple across the nearly ebony sky.
Tonight, I am both happy and sad. I am contented and restless. I am at home and yearning to be elsewhere.
And tonight, I’m okay with that.
Tonight, I want what I want. I miss what I never had. I wish for what I cannot have. I crave more than what I am allowed. Tonight, there is no fair or unfair. There is no innocence and guilt. There is no truth and lie. There is just the night and me.
And tonight, I’m okay with that, too.
This is how I create – not with strokes using paint and brushes, but with words woven with wishes and emotions, with wistful smiles and precious tears. There is nothing in this world that I want more than to be able to paint with my hands – but I have not known how and so instead I learned to paint with my soul.
It’s still Ed Sheeran’s voice I hear as I write this. It drowns out the sound of engines and soft voices, leaving me lost in this moment. There is something about this song that makes me feel. It is more than the words sung – there is something about the melody and the beat that reaches out and embraces what parts of me it touches. It wraps itself around me, gently swaying me to a place of comfort I had known in a past life. The song helps me write. It seeks to heal what is broken. It soothes my bleeding heart and my blackened soul.
This is what peace looks like. It is stillness. It is the quiet. It is the absence of judgment. It is the endlessness of time. It is what it is.
Tonight, there is hope that I will one day become whole.
“All I want is the taste that your lips allow…”