30 in ’12: Chatter

I talk about self-love a lot, but for the longest time, I’ve never really practiced it. Sometimes it seems like I have not given enough love. Sometimes it seems like I gave too much of my love for free. Tonight I read another blog entry that talked exactly about this. The bottom line of what Alexys Fairfield was trying to say is this: We have to love ourselves before we can love anyone else.

The last time I wrote an entry, it was about this – Self-love… Self-worth. And what I wrote was wonderful and bold and honest. It was an ideal situation in a perfect world. I recently realized that it was easy to make claims like that when you’re tying to be impressive and bigger than life. It’s a whole lot different when standing up for yourself means you might lose something you thought you had always wanted.

I recently went out with “D”. He and I have had a relatively interesting history. In 2004, he was interested and I was with Someone. In 2007, he found out that Someone and I were no longer together and attempted to pick me up from the office (at 2:00 am). Unfortunately, by the time he found out that Someone and I were no longer together, I was already with Someone Else.

2012… Someone Else and I ended our 4-year relationship and, upon finding out, D and I finally went out. It is endlessly flattering when you know there’s someone who’s been waiting to go out with you for eight years. Unfortunately, time was never on our side. After eight years, I was finally free. This time, however, D wasn’t.

Despite the promise that he would find time to be with me, he didn’t. The thing is, things like that are so simple for me – if you want to be with me, then BE with me. No reasons, no excuses.

Very recently (and nearly a month after we first met up), D asked me out again. At this point, I have to remind you that I have been waiting for eight years to go out with this guy. But in the four weeks that he couldn’t make time for me, I discovered something – some people call it Self-Worth. I call it Self-Love.

Me: You want me to be honest?
D: Ok
Me: It feels like you want me, but not be with me… And I don’t want that, D.
D: I understand.
D: I really enjoy being with you, the conversation, the company
Me: Dude, super personal question, okay lang?
D: Sure.
Me: Are you in love with your girlfriend?
D: Yes. But with you I don’t know. It changes.
Me: What do you mean by that?
D: Like there are a lot we connect on
D: I love our conversation
D: We can go for hours of talking like time stood still
D: Di hindi man lang nag matter yung time that we didn’t see each other
D: It feels good…
Me: Okaaaaaaay…
Me: And how are things with your girlfriend these days?
D: Okay naman
D: Parang sarcastic yung okay mo ha 🙂
Me: Haha… Hindi sarcastic yun noh
Me: What do you want to happen ba, D?
D: Haha… eh ano yun?
D: I don’t know.
Me: Mahabang “okay”… I sound like that naman when I talk, diba? Lol!
Me: Mahirap yang I don’t know eh.
D: Don’t mind me. I’m just being a little boy again
D: Wanting everything
D: I guess we can just be friends
D: It’s unfair sayo that I don’t know what I want
Me: Haha… I completely understand that noh… Someone asked me before what I wanted and I said everything.
Me: But I think I’m coming from a slightly different perspective
D: I just don’t want you to go away and be gone in my life forever
Me: You know that you can talk to me about anything at any time, right?
D: Yah
D: That’s what I like about us
Me: That doesn’t have to stop… We did say we would be friends, right?
D: Yah
Me: You know why I said I wanted everything?
D: Y?
Me: Because I’m worth it, D. And even if it took me 31 years, I finally figured it out.

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6 Comments

Filed under Secret Life of Bees, This So-Called Life, World Domination

6 responses to “30 in ’12: Chatter

  1. Chi

    Boom! I was wondering what his reaction was after you said the last sentence. Because he should have realized what he just lost.

    This is a good one. Keep it up. 😀

  2. Chi

    haha reminds me of my own “what if”. malabo lang talaga. but the entry after this has promise.

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