60 in ’12: The Waiting Game

Well, they always say that every cloud has a silver lining, right?

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I got stranded at home for 4 days. On those very same days, in some not-so-far-off place, someone was stranded at the office. Then (social network undisclosed) happened. And that was how it all began.

If you’re expecting a blow-by-blow of what happened, you’re in for a big disappointment. That isn’t what this entry is all about.

Some things you should know, though, before we get any further:

1. I was nervous. My stomach was in knots at the thought of seeing him again – someone that I haven’t seen or heard from since 2004.
2. I have absolutely no idea if this will go anywhere. Whether or not I will ever see him again is all up in the air at this point.
3. I’m trying this new thing. It’s called waiting.

After that horrid tragedy that was my love life, I went out of my way to prove – to myself, to the world – that I was okay. In the last couple of months, I have gone out with boys, got myself into a lot of screwed up situations, and openly declared my lack of a moral compass. I swung from being indifferent to being restless. I made myself a promise and then I broke it… and in the process I got hurt, which eventually became turned into anger. Of course, right after that, I quickly went into vengeance mode and wreaked havoc upon those who deserved it.

And I did all of that for what? Because I was in too much of a hurry to give the world the finger.

I’ve always been told that patience is a virtue… To which I’ve always answered, “Yes, but it was never MY virtue.” I’ve always been in a hurry – I want what I want and I want it now. I have no patience for stupid people, conversations that don’t go anywhere, or relationships that take forever to figure out. I can’t say that I regret the things I did – I mean, whatever keeps me going, right? But after three and a half months, I got sick of it.

What do I want now anyway? I think #32 puts it into words perfectly. I am a hopeless romantic, forever in search for a great love and a grand passion. I was the brave one who always said, “It’s very black and white for me – if you want to be with me, then BE with me. No excuses.” And yet time and time again, I have found myself running after those I shouldn’t have sought out in the first place.

What good does wanting me so much do, when you can’t even decide to leave a girl you have no intention of marrying? What good does reminiscing 16 years worth of memories when you went off and married someone else? What good does setting ground rules do when you had no intention of following it?

What good does it do – to run after someone who doesn’t want to be with you?

Time to grow up, PhoenixFire. Time to stand for what you really want, even if that means waiting for a little while. You have to know that waiting is so hard for me. I want to do so many things, but I can’t keep selling myself short. But what do I really want?

I don’t want to be anyone’s option because I deserve to be with someone who CHOOSES to be with me. But it doesn’t end there. “I choose you” are brave words. Beautiful to hear and, I have to admit, it makes my heart flutter. But words are just that… Words. If you don’t do anything, it fades into oblivion.

Don’t fade into oblivion. Don’t fade into the night. Do something if you choose me. I won’t run… But I am waiting. For now.



Blessed Be…

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Filed under Secret Life of Bees, This So-Called Life

3 responses to “60 in ’12: The Waiting Game

  1. Pingback: 62 in ’12: Free | Amor Vincit Omnia

  2. Pingback: 62 in ’12: Breaking Free | Amor Vincit Omnia

  3. Pingback: 63 in ’12: And Hope… Hope Will Keep Me Alive | Amor Vincit Omnia

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