From somebody that I used to know…
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How do I even try and write to you? My God, I hope that I find the right words and follow the right reasons for writing this. You know, despite my seeming indifference to you, you keep coming to me, and you scare me so much. Do you know why? It’s because you remind me so much of how I was when I was in so much love once. I loved no matter what. I loved even when it hurt. I’ve lost that part of me so long ago and am afraid that I’ve lost it forever. I sometimes weep for that part of me that will never understand nor recognize if I’d met myself in the past. I’m totally a different person now. I don’t even like myself anymore.
Do you know that I’ve tried to love someone? I tried to love the girl that I was talking to you about. I tried to love her. Like you, like so much like you, I lost. Like so much like you, I have tried and tested that in so many times in my life, when I tried, I lost. What can I say? Life plays a nasty game on us. I wish I was never born sometimes. I wish at other times to have this fake life end already and let me join the true bliss that there is in death and what comes after. I know that feelings never die. I, you, the ones that truly did try and love, go on… forever. This makes this life so boringly obvious to me. Life is, at times, a very deliberate delaying tactic of God, denying me of what’s really for me. But God gave me so much more than hurt. God gave life in its’ entirety; love, hurt, pain, joy, tears, and melancholic moments, in a wonderfully mysterious sequence unraveling everyday.
You’ve touched my life in so many ways and have confused my decision not to be with you so many countless times. I love you Joey. Please don’t get me wrong. I do love you. I just played the idiot and thought to myself that its not you because if it were you, then I would have never doubted in the first place. Stupid idealisms; goes well with my being an idiot. I hate myself for not being “the one” for you. Do you know how it feels to know something so much undeniably? I think that you are a very unique person; almost unbelievably perfect at times, and that’s no compliment but rather what just is.
Why do you love me? Why? Why is God like this? Why am I hurting you? I miss your company and the times when we would just talk and not worry about anything. I miss the time when we were in Laguna and just talking about life. Jing will never understand how pure my intentions were at the time. You are only one of a handful that I know who loves life so much like I do. I’ve held these people so closely in my life, and maybe that is the reason why I’m hurting you. I can’t stand to be away from you. Why can’t I just be with you and not hurt you? Why God? Why? Seeing you in-love with him was one of the unique pleasures I’ve cherished for so little a time only. I’ve always told you that I loved to be with you guys. I loved watching you in-love. But with me, when I saw that in your eyes… it was admittedly, the most fearful and most difficult thing I’ve faced in my life, and am still facing. I still am sometimes wishing that you guys get back together, but I guess none of that is up to me. More than that, I guess that I’ve ruined so much of what you guys had back then that it would be almost impossible for anything to develop again; at least not while I’m here. I wish I was out of Sykes already. I wish that I got my business going. It may be the reason why I’m working so damn hard in trying to get that started. I actually think that I will do so many people a favor by just disappearing.
I’m not thinking that my leaving will start things again with you and Jing. Instead, I think that I’ll at least stop hurting you. I’ll at least stop seeing Jing and missing our friendship. He was a friend to me Joey, not by virtue of us being teammates or anything. I guess I just felt so hurt to have another person totally hate my guts, and me not being able to do anything about it. I wanted to say to him that because of what I’ve done, and how things played out for the three of us, I wish I was never in Sykes in the first place. Again, I’m questioning why I was thrown in that kind of position in the first place. No matter what you say, I will forever feel that I’ve ruined your lives, no matter how good my intentions were.
I wanted to tell you that I think that you’re too young to die…not physically Joey, but to die in living life. That is what I feel so sad about, when I see you, and you’re lonely. I hate the fact that you resent your life so much. Despite what you believe, I know… I know that there is so much good in the world out there for you. I don’t want you to ever give up. Never. I can die tomorrow or today, but I’ll never give up before that. I don’t regret having lost Joey. Although it hurts so much, I won’t regret it. I’ve loved life and it has nothing to do but accept it. No matter what kind of deal life cuts for me in the end, I can say that I tried.
When you try, genuinely try. Genuinely forgive the times when you will lose. We lost, but we’re here. I love you and you love me. I don’t think that I’ll stop loving the things that you are to me. But I know that I cannot rationalize in being with you. It has to come naturally. I don’t know why it hasn’t come for me, but its no reason for me to play the risk I know which is not worth it.
You were right saying that you’re not worth the risk. But you got the interpretation all wrong. You’re not worth the risk because you’re so special. You’re not worth losing Joey. I guess that’s why I’m still around.
Please be happy that we’re very good friends, that we’re not even in the same category for friends to me, that we share so much of life and its’ simple goodness and wonder, that we can talk about anything, that the stars are so beautiful and patient with our sighs to them almost every time we look up, that we seem to be always at love’s losing end but are masochistically attracted to it, that love is all there is, that the heart is not an organ or a muscle but is our reason for living, that God sees all our fears and just urges us on to wait for tomorrow, that all our tears are worth something, that music will take us to the places where are tongues are mute, that you an I will forever be an anomaly that nobody could ever understand but us.
I love you my dear Joey. Blessed be…
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Now THIS is a love letter. Sometimes, I think it’s the saddest letter ever written.