Category Archives: Secret Life of Bees

StoryWeaver Stories: Curveball

You keep telling people that “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.”

You were right. But you never counted on the teacher not being you. 

When he was ready, his teacher DID appear. But his teacher was not you.

It was me. 

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Secret Life of Bees

2015: Variations of Hell on Earth

There are a lot of things I can live with. Unfortunately, stupidity is not one of them. So can you imagine how difficult it is to perpetually be in the same breathing space as some who’s level of intelligence is in the negative? Can you understand how the level of difficulty increases when said unintelligent being is part of my group?

I used to think that maybe it’s me. Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I expect too much from someone who’s been here for less than a year. I know it’s not fair to compare how I was when I was new, so I try not to (although I end up doing it anyway). But when the consistency of her inconsistencies are unparalleled, and when the simplest of things cannot be done, and when the same errors are being committed time and time again, it leads me to believe otherwise.

It’s. Not. Me.

True enough, there’s more then enough dislike talking through me right now. I’m watching Lady J take the heat for a mistake committed by TGoE. I know it’s part of her role – accountability, right? It’s a leader thing, I get it. As long as The Garden of Eden is under her supervision, it will always be her mistake, even if it’s not. But when you look at the long and sordid situation they’re in and you realize that all of it could have been avoided simply by TGoE correctly managing expectations, can you really blame me for really wanting to drown the latter in the loo?

Lady J wonders why she sticks it out with us. TGoE’s answer is the Ms. Universe response: “I really love what I’m doing.” Dude, seriously. And yet, when the question “But what if what you’re doing doesn’t love you back?” is posed to her (and it has been – many, many times), she has no response.

I’ve come to understand that this seems to be her natural response to potential conflict situations – she withdraws, stays silent, puts on her “kawawa” face (which is the most annoying thing ever), and sulks. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in that head of hers (I have images of her very few neurons playing tag with each other – Goddess knows they have more than enough space). I wonder if it’s ever crossed her mind that she is, for most of the time, at fault? If you just base it on how she retells certain things, there was always someone else who told her the wrong thing. Or there was always someone else who misunderstood (but what she said was really correct. Like REALLY. She’s sure of it). It’s never her. It’s always someone else. Seriously, how long can someone delude themselves into always thinking this way (apparently, it’s been going on for almost 9 months and it’s still going strong!)?

I get it, you know. Her working in this kind of environment is hell for her. It’s difficult enough when you feel everything you do is wrong. It doesn’t help when every single person you work with (at least those who count) confirms this. Often times to your face. Her life in this office? This is her variation of hell.

Lady J is convinced that one day TGoE will decide to leave – not because she’s being to hard on her, not because of the fact that no one ever talks to her in the office (except for Robo-egg and Barney, but those are different stories and will be told at a different time), but because she will never be able to deliver. I, on the other hand, am firmly convinced that she’s not going anywhere anytime soon.

Try to look at it from a completely predatory point of view:

You get paid every fifteen days to do absolutely nothing of worth except encode random stuff which other people assign to you, mostly because they’re desperate for you to do something. But since you aren’t capable of delivering at a normal capacity, none of them will give you work that actually requires at least the smallest iota of intelligence. After all, at the end of the day, it’ll still be their necks on the line.

So you’re coasting along. No one really talks to you, save for a couple of poor souls who are, more or less, in the same boat, and it’s enough for you because at least you have “friends”. People talk to you behind your back (like literally – they sit behind you and they talk. Using not-so-soft voices) but you don’t really care. After all, work isn’t about making friends. When everyone else is loaded, you finally get assigned to a customer. And because you have all the time in the world, you spend a better half of an hour talking to them on the phone, not even considering that they might not have the same amount of time in their hands. And when you fuck up, you know that someone will always come to your rescue – because even if you know that they abhor your presence, they also have an image to uphold.

So it’s a blessed existence. You get something for doing absolutely nothing. Why on earth, would you leave?

So I’ll say it again. I don’t think she’s going to leave. If she had an ounce of pride, she would have left months ago. If she really cared about the rest of us, she would either have shaped up (because there has been more than enough time for the improvement to show) or shipped out (because her being here is actually weighing us down and we can’t look for a more suitable person because she’s still there).

But where is she? She’s still here. And honestly, I don’t see her going away anytime soon.

And this is my variation of hell.

Dark & Twisted…

1 Comment

Filed under Secret Life of Bees, Stories from the Garden of Eden

2015: How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?

I took a book out of my husband’s book: Tell the truth and let the pieces fall where they may.

When you get called into a close-door meeting because a colleague has issues with you, it definitely puts one in a mood. Today was one of those days.

So we have our Monday meeting. It started well enough – I had finished all the required reports last night and was able to send it over so I knew there was a possibility of us discussing it first thing this week. The meeting ran for about an hour an a half, after which P and I went back to our lives. About twenty minutes later, Lady J comes back out and says we need to have a talk with The Garden of Eden because she has issues with the both of us.

So D-Day finally arrived (I had been anticipating this since our episode last Saturday).

She started with P, and no matter how much I want to describe that in detail, it really isn’t my story to tell. So I’ll stick with mine (and because mine was waaaaaaay more intense). So she says, “You said last Saturday this relationship was not an easy one. I wanted to clarify what made you say that.”

Talk about flinging the door wide open.

Me, being the bitch that I am, the first statement out of my mouth was, “What I said was I know this relationship has been difficult.” And so the long and arduous conversation began…

Highlights:

Me: You know me. I don’t need to be friends with people I work with. You want to ask me right now if we’re friends? We’re not. I don’t need to be friends with you. I just need you to do your job.

* * *

Me: Remember <client name omitted>? You sent me the report at 11 PM. I came in at 7 AM to edit it because I didn’t get a chance to see it before that. You knew the meeting was at 9:30 am on the same day. I get it that you need help – but sana naisip mo din na may iba akong ginagawa. Wala kang konsiderasyon.

Me: You send me the report on a Thursday night, then you go on leave. I get it – it’s a credit leave, by all means take it, I don’t care. But then again, kahit pinaghirapan kong basahin yun hanggang hating gabi, paano ko sya ibabalik sayo e wala ka? Tapos presentation sa Monday?

* * *

GoE: (not verbatim) After the Baguio thing, I really thought everything was okay…
Me: Going on an out of town trip with me for four days does not make us friends.

* * *

GoE: (not verbatim) I was really affected when I gave you a gift on your birthday. And I know you said thank you. But after that you just kinda looked at the gift from the side and you didn’t even look at me. I felt snubbed. Feeling ko napahiya ako – especially since everyone was at the table.
Me: What kind of reaction were you expecting? (I am seriously bewildered by this.)
GoE: At least sana tumingin ka man lang sa akin.
Me: Well, I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. But if you ask me if I could relive the moment – would I react differently? No, I wouldn’t.

* * *

GoE: Sometimes I feel that when I make a mistake, it gets magnified. But pag kayo kayo lang, napagtatakpan.
Me: Okay – tell me about a time when this happened.
GoE: (goes off into a long explanation)
Me: So that’s an example of how when you make a mistake, it gets magnified. What about the other part?
GoE: It’s just a general feeling that I have…

* * *

GoE: (not verbatim) When you talked to me about , you said you had talked to <colleague’s name omitted>. Hindi na ako nakapalag dun kasi feeling ko hindi naman ako pakikinggan. You chose to believe <colleague’s name omitted> even if I was also there.
Me: You know why? I think there is something fundamentally wrong with our relationship. I don’t trust you. I seriously question your judgement. And you have absolutely no credibility in my eyes whatsoever.

* * *

GoE: (not verbatim) I really am trying…
Me: It makes me wonder… is done. Four of your five accounts are dead. You have no sales and no runs. What’s going to happen to you now?

* * *

Me: I’m tired. I’m tired and frustrated. It’s been six months. It took you four months to learn a 3-day program – and that’s not even to its completion. How on earth with you survive the coming days?

* * *

Me: Did you ever tell people that every time you become close to another consultant, I do something to make the closeness go away?
GoE: (semi-horrified look) I never said anything like that…
Me: The thing is, you can say that I’m a slave driver. I know I make you do a lot of things. I know I’m horribly strict when it comes to the reviews. And if you say all of these things, it’s okay because it’s true. But when I heard about that, honestly, it kinda affected me – because then it became… personal.
GoE: (not verbatim) I apologize for that.
Me: At this point it’s irrelevant.

* * *

Me: You know when it really started to bother me? When I ran a hundred hours in May, <consultant’s name omitted> ran 84, I hardly ever saw <consultant’s name omitted>, <consultant’s name omitted> got shipped off to . Even <consultant’s name omitted> went on medical leave. EVERYONE was busy. Except you.

* * *

GoE: Is it a dead end for me?
Me: What do you mean by that?
GoE: Is it a dead end? In your opinion.
Me: When you say dead end, what you do mean? Are you asking me if I’ll ever trust you again? Are you asking if I’ll ever see you as credible? What?

* * *

GoE: Do you accept my apology?
Me: (split-second hesitation) Yes. But it won’t be clean slate. I will never forget.

* * *

This day. I love this day.

Dark & Twisted…

Leave a comment

Filed under Secret Life of Bees

23.19: Dancing Through the Fire

Universal Truth.

I have found the statements “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” and “Loving someone means giving them the right to hurt you” to be incredibly conflicting.

Especially when you happen to believe both to be true.

 

 

Dark & Twisted…

Enhanced by Zemanta

Leave a comment

Filed under Secret Life of Bees, This So-Called Life

22.13: A History Lesson

They say that life is made up of a series of lessons.  I have to agree.

When I look back at my life, I know that there were some lessons that I had to learn – which I did and I was (finally) able to move on.  Some lessons, however, are harder to figure out.  Whether this is because it’s a personality disorder on my part, a stubbornness that I cannot seem to get out of my system or simply a masochistic tendency, I do not know.

Sometimes I wonder if any of us will ever be at peace with the fact that those we love and love us loved someone else before us. I once asked someone if he regretted being with his ex (and he was with her for 4 years and it ended horribly) and he said yes.  And I had the gall to say, “Don’t.  You shouldn’t.”

Little did I know that there would come a time when him regretting it or not was not point.  The point was that I did.

True, she never did anything to me – I don’t even know her from Adam – and yet I loathe her existence. I loathe her for everything she did to him.  I abhor her for how she broke him. Most of all (and most illogically), I hate her for the simple fact that, once upon a time, he loved her.

Never mind the fact that he doesn’t love her now.  Never mind the fact that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  It’s that once upon a time he loved her… That once upon a time he wanted to spend his life with her.

Sometimes I wonder why I can’t leave the past well enough alone (and I have to applaud the amount of effort that I put into this, as it sometimes involves reading goddamn posts from (social network undisclosed) written a million years ago, going through horrendously long friends lists and about a bazillion photo albums containing some really badly taken – and not to mention embarrassing-if-that-were-me-I’d-rather-die-than-post-that – pictures).  I know it’s me and my perverse need to know everything… Even if I know that I’ll pay for it every single time.

This is not doubt.  Never think that it is.  I know that this is it for me.  I will never love – nor would I want to – anyone else.  I also know, however, that this is intrinsically and inexplicably wrong (the masochistic part, not the loving part).  I have come to the conclusion that it is easier for us to speak about our past because for us it is over.  But there is always that other person to think about.  The one who always hurts a little when they remember that they know what they know.  It’s not that I don’t understand that there was a past.  Sometimes I think I just wish I could erase it.

But I can’t.  I know what I know.  Against all logic, I went through what I did.  I did this.  This is my bed and now I have to lie in it.  There is absolutely no one to blame but me.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that this some baggage that I carry with me all the time.  It’s not.  But again, I know what I know.  This is me grieving. This is me trying to learn how to let go.  This is me trying to learn that one goddamn lesson that I cannot seem to learn.

I’ve always said that the worst kinds of hell are those that we make for ourselves.  And yet with that nugget of wisdom firmly lodged in my cranium, I really have to wonder, “Why on earth do I keep fucking doing it?”

And in times like these, the only sarcastic quip I can come up with to comfort myself is, “See the light at the end of the tunnel?  That’s a train heading straight for you.”

I told you I was a little crazy.

*smirk*

 

 

Dark & Twisted…

1 Comment

Filed under Secret Life of Bees, This So-Called Life

16.13: Moons in the Dark of Night

Okay, so I found this on (social network undisclosed) so it isn’t really mine. But it’s about the music in my life, so I couldn’t really resist 🙂

*          *          *

Lyrics to the Song of My Life.

INSTRUCTIONS: Think of 20 songs that had such a profound effect on you that they changed your life or the way you looked at it. They sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the songs you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the songs that no matter what they were thought of musically shaped your world.

And here we go…

1.) Unwritten, Natasha Bedingfield
2.) Give Me Love, Ed Sheeran
3.) Because You Loved Me, Celine Dion
4.) One Sweet Day, Boyz II Men & Mariah Carey
5.) My Love is Your Love, Whitney Houston
6.) The First Cut is the Deepest, Sheryll Crow
7.) Strong Enough, Sheryll Crow
8.) Tatoo, Jordin Sparks
9.) Till They Take My Heart Away, Clair Marlo
10.) True Colors, Cindi Lauper
11.) When We Dance, Sting
12.) So Close, Jon McLaughlin
13.) Feels Like Home, Chantal Kreviazuk
14.) Out of My League, Stephen Speaks
15.) I Don’t Wanna Wait, Paula Cole
16.) The Man Who Can’t Be Moved, The Script
17.) Love Moves (In Mysterious Ways), Julia Fordham
18.) Better Days, Dianne Reeves
19.) Get Here, Oletta Adams
20.) A Thousand Years, Christina Perri & Steve Kazee

*          *          *

Why these?

It’s a secret I’ll never tell.

XOXO

*smirk*

 

 

Dark & Twisted…

Enhanced by Zemanta

Leave a comment

Filed under Jei Pod, Secret Life of Bees

13.13: Always

Happy birthday, Butterfly.

Mommy loves you.

1 Comment

Filed under Secret Life of Bees, This So-Called Life