Category Archives: This So-Called Life

The Things Left Unsaid

Dear Universe,

Teach me how to love in halves. I don’t want to love in wholes anymore.

Me

Someone play an Adele song, please.

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Motherf*cker

I am a sum of my past.

I told someone that all my exes are a part of me. It’s true. All my exes (and non-exes) are reasons for me being the way that I am today. The girl before the relationship and the girl after are never really the same. All of them changed me in one way or another. Some introduced me to new kinds of music. Some encouraged my personal style of dressing (until it no longer served his purpose, after which I could only dress the way he would allow me to dress). Some were intellectual equals and thus forced me to learn things that were not naturally interesting to me. Some were sports enthusiasts and allowed me to appreciate the whole being-physically-active thing. Some were artists and encouraged creative pursuits. Some were idiots and became sources of never-ending amusement.

Some made me braver. Some made me wiser. Some broke me. All loved me.

Sometimes I think they were all lessons I had to learn (click here and here) – albeit some apparently were harder to learn than others, which somehow explains why I made the same choices over and over and over again. But one… one gave that line that I never thought I would hear.

“You never made me feel like I was good enough.”

– Baby Bear, 2012

I have never been the perfect partner… and I’m very well aware of this. But you cannot blame how you feel about yourself on me. I’m sorry that you felt your parents loved your sister more than you. I’m sorry that you couldn’t hold down a job longer than 5 months. I’m sorry that you never bothered finishing school.

I’m sorry that I bought you everything you wanted in the four years that we were together – so much that I felt you were my son rather than my partner. I’m sorry that I said yes to every single thing that you asked of me. I’m sorry I paid eight hundred bucks for every session you had with the shrink you said you needed. I’m sorry that I introduced you to my family and friends, even if there was no way that I could leave you alone with them.

I’m sorry that you got sick – that I had to bring you to Makati Medical and to UST after a sixteen-hour shift. I’m sorry that you didn’t have the energy to pick me up from the FX terminal one rainy night, knowing I didn’t have an umbrella. I’m sorry I showed up at home dripping wet and had to fo to work the next day.

I’m sorry that I left the industry where we met. I’m sorry that I found a job that I genuinely loved – a job that I was great at. I’m sorry that it took me away for weeks at a time – I’m also sorry that you never bothered calling me when I wasn’t home.

I’m sorry that in the midst of all that, you decided to start something with someone else. You had the gall to tell me that she was just a friend even if you were giving her more of your time while I lived a life that ping-ponged me between home and work so I could pay the bills.

And then one day, you woke me up at 5 o’clock in the morning and told me that we should stop fooling ourselves because “we” were no longer working out. I’m not sorry about that… For that I’m thankful.

But please, don’t tell me I never made you feel like you were enough. I planned my life around you. I tried to give you so much of me until there was nothing left. It was never my job to make you feel like a man. I couldn’t make you something that you’re not.

But that… I’m not sorry about that.

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Kiss the One Who Turns Back Time for You

Fifteen years ago, I found a show that was smart, intriguing and heartbreaking. Fifteen years ago, I found Meredith Gray and all the wondrous people who made up her reality.

Today I finally had time to just be at home… got to stay in bed for majority of the day… watched episode 12 of season 15.

I watched a couple – Garrett and Natasha – finally tell their team of doctors that, after spending the last three months in the hospital and with Natasha’s condition getting steadily worse, that they have decided to take her off her ventilator.

“You all have done everything you can to give me as much time as possible. We may not have gotten that wedding under the stars, but you gave us the rest of our lives together.”

Natasha
Grey’s Anatomy, Season 15, Episode 12

She was dying. She knew it – they both did. But for some reason, they found a way be thankful for the time they got together. In classic Grey’s Anatomy fashion, the doctors found a way to give them their wedding underneath the stars. They gathered in her room, turned off all the lights and used their phones to create starlight.

Meredith: Garrett asked me to read the vows that you wrote before the accident…

“Garrett, the moment I met you I knew I would spend the rest of my life with you. Before you, I never met anyone I could be in the same room with longer than a few hours. I waited my whole life to meet you. I gave up thinking I ever would. Now that I found you, it all makes sense. Everything that was once hard feels easy now that you are in my life. And everything that was once easy is now sublime.”

Natasha’s Wedding Vows as ready by Meredith Grey
Grey’s Anatomy, Season 15, Season 12

They were married.

And then she passed.

And as he kissed her goodbye, with Stand By Me playing softly in the background, my heart broke over and over again.

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Freedom

Home, I think, is not a place.

Home, to me, is a moment. A heartbeat. A breath.

It’s the silences in symphonies, the comfortable quiet in conversations. Home is where laughter is real and where smiles are sometimes sad.

Home is where I don’t need to pretend. Where I can shine as brightly as I want without ever worrying that I might outshine something else. Where all the different versions of me blend into one real being – where I can be brilliant and bold and brave and broken all at the same time. Where I can be tired and angry and it would be okay.

And home… home is where I am free.

You are enough.

You will always be enough.

At least for me.

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Of Hope and Sadness

As the sun broke against the slumbering sky
Today... today you used my name
Despite confessions of love in days gone past
Today's profession was not the same
Amidst the hustle, the bustle, the stop and the go
There are seconds of silence that become a song
And beats so steady, a rhythm of drums
Of wishes and prayers for the one I long
On the day when my heart is tired
The words rouse my soul from death so dark
And thoughts of touches, of gazes, of whispers and sighs
Today... today would leave a mark

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I Like Me Better When I’m With You

Because being with you is like coming home.

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Do What Makes Your Soul Shine

Maybe this is a year for difficult conversations… Of the slow telling of truths that have been buried deep and long ago. Of, hopefully, letting go of fears that have been rooted in darkness and uncertainty.

Maybe this is a year of sunlight and hope. Of unexpected melodies that brighten up hearts and puts soft smiles on lips. Maybe this year the doubts will ebb away. Maybe this year it won’t be so hard to believe.

Every butterfly I get belongs to you
You don’t believe me, but it’s true
Sure, the freckles on my arm spell out your name
Real feelings coming through

‘Cause all I know and all I am is you
Yeah, all I know and all I am is you
I’m breaking my silence
‘Cause I’ve had a few
I just can’t deny it
That all I know and all I am is you

Every time I think I’m falling
I know you’re falling too
There’s no doubt you’re all in
If you ever think you’re falling
You know I’ll catch you too
‘Cause all I am is you

Every daydream I have starts and ends with you
I wanna play it one more time
When I need an alibi, you’re my perfect excuse
You are always on my side
‘Cause all I know and all I am is you

I’m breaking my silence
‘Cause I’ve had a few
I just can’t deny it
That all I know and all I am is you

Every time I think I’m falling
I know you’re falling too
There’s no doubt you’re all in
If you ever think you’re falling
You know I’ll catch you too
All I am is you

It feels like I’m miles away
You bring me back home again
You hold me through my mistakes
Let go as we start again
You’re a habit I’ll never break
No no, no no, no

I’m breaking my silence
‘Cause I’ve had a few
I just can’t deny it (oh, no)
That all I know and all I am is you

Every time I think I’m falling
I know you’re falling too
There’s no doubt you’re all in
If you ever think you’re falling
You know I’ll catch you too
All I am, oh
‘Cause all I know and all I am is you
Yeah, all I know and all I am is you
‘Cause all I know and all I am is you

Yeah, all I know and all I am is you

All I Am
Jess Glyne

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