It’s funny how access to any kind of social media platform miraculously turns people into political analysts.
Category Archives: No Man’s Land
Yesterday, I listed the 20 books that changed my life. A lot longer than that, I started sharing songs that have special meaning to me over the years… I made it up to 10 last time. And here’s the next 10…
Once again, enjoy 🙂
* * *
The Song: I’d Lie, Taylor Swift
The Words: “…He stands there then walks away / My god if I could only say / I’m holding every breath for you…”
Why I Love It: I still think the hardest kind of love is the one that you can’t tell the person you love about. Sad, but true.
Who It’s For: Mr. M
The Song: U Got It Bad, Phillip Phillips
The Words: “…I’ve been there, done it, messed around / After all that, this is what I found / Nobody wants to be alone / If you’re touched by the words in this song…”
Why I Love It: I liked Usher’s version, I really did. But have you heard Phillip Phillips? I could feel myself drooling while looking in his eyes through the tv screen?
Who It’s For: Ah, I haven’t met you yet 😦
The Song: Waiting in Vain, Annie Lennox
The Words: “…In life I know there is lots of grief / But your love is my relief.”
Why I Love It: I fell in love with this song when I watched Serendipity, so now I forever connect that song to that scene when Kate Beckinsale opens the door and the rose petals are blown in the living room. I am forever in love with that scene.
Who It’s For: Me… Because there are days that I feel I am always waiting. In vain.
The Song: Bleeding Love, Hollie Cavanaugh
The Words: “…But I don’t care what they say / I’m in love with you…”
Why I Love It:I was never a Leona Lewis fan, so although this song came out a couple of years ago and although it had a nice beat, I never really got into it. When I heard Hollie’s slower, more heartfelt version on Idol, I just completely, head-over-heels fell in love with it.
Who It’s For: Old Man (formerly known as Baby)
The Song: Jolene, Dolly Parton
The Words: “…Please don’t take him just because you can…”
Why I Love It: Everything about this song intrigues me – from the melody to the rhythm to the words. I’ve heard so many versions of this song, but Parton’s was still the best.
Who It’s For: Some people would say that this song is something some girls would sing for me… And they would be right. *smirk*
The Song: Even Angels Fall, Jessica Riddle
The Words: “It’s a secret no one tells / One day it’s heaven, one day it’s hell / It’s no fairy tale / Take it from me / That’s the way it’s supposed to be.”
Why I Love It: From 10 Things I Hate About You (a movie with a totally awesome soundtrack) – it was played during that scene when Kat ran out of prom after finding out that Patrick was paid to date her. Prior to that moment, I have never heard of the song before – but it caught my attention and now I have it in my playlist.
The Song: The Man Who Can’t Be Moved, The Script
The Words: “…I’m not broke I’m just a broken hearted man / I know it makes no sense but what else can I do / How can I move on when I’m still in love with you”
Why I Love It: As I said, after Son of Adam, the break-up with Baby Bear is the hardest one I took.
Who It’s For: Baby Bear
The Song: One Sweet Day (Acapella), Boyz II Men & Mariah Carey
The Words: “…Darling I never showed you / Assumed you’d always be there / I took your presence for granted / But I always cared…”
Why I Love It: This song came out in 1995. I’ll always remember because that was the year my father passed away. Needless to say, my father and I have a rather long and complicated story. But that is another tale and will be told at another time.
Who It’s For: Daddy Dearest
The Song: If I’m Not In Love, Kathy Troccoli
The Words: “…And if my heart is lying then / What should I believe in…”
Why I Love It: It reminds me of sophomore year… back when everything was so much simpler. I love Kathy Troccoli’s voice – so mellow and soothing. This is the kind of song that I would love to slow dance to.
The Song: Dear Lie, TLC
The Words: “…Afraid the truth would hurt me / When it’s you that hurts me more…”
Why I Love It: One of the better songs in their Fanmail album. I actually like “I Miss You So Much” better, but this isn’t half bad.
* * *
So that’s 20 down, 159 to go. I’ll get there, I have no doubt 🙂
Until next time…
Other Things You Might Be Interested In…
Being stuck at home for the last 4 days (the first two because I’ve been feeling ill and the last two because of this never-ending rain) does have its perks. Apparently, a lot of other people have been stuck at home too because everyone has been online – excellent for catching up.
I went through a friend‘s notes in
(social network undisclosed) and found a note that he posted. The instructions were straightforward and simple:
The rules: Don’t take too long to think about it. Fifteen books you’ve read that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes. Tag fifteen friends, including me, because I’m interested in seeing what books my friends choose. (To do this, go to your Notes tab on your profile page, paste rules in a new note, cast your fifteen picks, and tag people in the note. Do yours before you read anyone else’s).
Of course, being the way I am, I’ve decided to post it here instead of
(social network undisclosed). And, of course, my list came up to 20.
So here’s it is… The books that changed my life:
1. Nancy Drew and The Secret of The Forgotten City, Carloyn Keene (because it was the book that started it all)
2. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, J.K. Rowling (because it’s alright to always remember)
3. Percy Jackson and the Last Olympian, Rick Riordan (because one person can change the world)
4. Sisterhood Everylasting, Ann Brashares (because there are families we run from, and there are families we run to)
5. The Expected One, Kathleen McGowan (because it changed my faith)
6. Wildwood Dancing, Juliet Marillier (because it made me believe in happily-ever-afters)
7. Once and Always, Judith McNaught (because this is how one should be loved)
8. Remembrance, Jude Deveraux (because this is how true love should be)
9. Tell Me Your Dreams, Sydney Sheldon (because it made me appreciate my course in college)
10. Helen of Troy, Margaret George (because it was the Tojan War from Helen’s eyes)
11. Something More, Sarah Ban Breathnach (because it I always have a choice)
12. Seven Ancient Wonders, Matthew Reilly (because it was the greatest adventure I had ever been in)
13. The Last Oracle, James Rollins (because it reminded me how it was to be innocent)
14. The Third Secret, Steve Berry (because it was a different telling of the third secret of Fatima)
15. The Witching Hour, Anne Rice (because it was about an extraordinary woman capable of extraordinary things)
16. Memnoch the Devil, Anne Rice (because it let me see the universe through completely different eyes)
17. Queen of the Damned, Anne Rice (because everyone has a story… even us evil ones)
18. Thirteen Reasons Why, Jay Asher (because there are days when I could have been the one who wrote it)
19. Nineteen Minutes, Jodi Picoult (because in nineteen minutes, you can have revenge)
20. The Witch of Portobello, Paulo Coelho (because it is the most enigmatic that we seek to understand)
What books will YOU always remember?
You all know this isn’t my first blog, right? If you didn’t though, check this out. It’s a complete riot to read (this coming from me, who recently found my old blog site and have been laughing my ass off for the last half hour over the things I wrote so many years ago).
Take this, for example…
* * *
1. WOULD YOU GET BACK WITH YOUR LAST EX IF YOU COULD?
2009: Ew. No.
2012: Uh, no. (at least wala nang “ew”, diba?)
2.WHAT KIND OF SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
2009: My black tube top.
2012: A white shirt that says, “Hard Rock Cafe”. And it isn’t even mine.
3. WOULD YOU KISS ANYONE ON YOUR FRIEND’S LIST?
2009: You mean asides from my boyfriend?
2012: Hell, yeah! (hulaan kung sino!)
4. DO YOU HAVE “A THING” FOR ANYONE ON YOUR TOP FRIENDS LIST?
2009: Refer to answer number 3
2012: Wala na akong Top Friends List. Hindi na uso ang Friendster. Haller.
5. HOW MANY PEOPLE ON YOUR LIST DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE?
2009: Everyone except for 2… so now that makes it… 169
2012: All of them. The ones I don’t have been deleted. Or were never added in the first place. I mean, seriously, why would you even add someone you don’t know on facebook?
6. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT TO HAVE?
2009: 2 max
2012: Still 2 max. But I want the first to be a girl. So she can grow up to be just like me. (watch out, world!)
7. DO YOU HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH BOTH YOUR PARENTS?
2009: Considering that they’ve been dead since I was 15? I’d say pretty much.
2012: Considering I barely remember one and made up really good memories about the other… Yes. *smirk*
9. WOULD YOU EVER MAKE OUT WITH SOMEONE OF THE SAME SEX?
2009: Probably not
10. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST B-DAY?
2009: I… went to work. Buti nalang meh surprise yung mga friends ko.
2012: I was in the office. Seriously. (in fairness, so many people greeted me this year. Mas “sociable” na kasi ako ngayon. Apir!)
12. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP TODAY?
2009: 8:30 am
2012: 5:30 am (and before that 4:00 am. and before that, 2:30 am. and before that, 1:00 am. I have horrible sleeping habits… can you tell?)
13. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT THREE NIGHTS AGO?
2009: Leaving the office (my shift ends at 10:00 pm)
2012: Sleeping. I took my lovely little pink and white pill that night.
14. DO YOU LIKE HAVING YOUR HAIR PULLED?
2009: It depends
2012: Censored ang answer ko dito. Lol!
15. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT TO DO?
2009: Basta (this involves violence, probably)
2012: Start the weekend! (kunwari hindi na ako violent)
16. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM?
2009: 21 years ago. I barely remember her.
2012: 25 years ago.
17. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF?
2009: My tendency to feel too much… mas madali kasi dati nung hindi ako ganun… Kahit anung mangyari, keri lang.
2012: Ang pagka-maldita ko (ay wait, change ba kamo?) But seriously… the tendency to be depressive.
18. IF YOU HAD 250,000 DOLLARS… WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH IT?
2009: Go to Europe… then hire an assassin.
2012: Buy my condo unit outright. Build books so I can have my own library. Be an assassin. (seriously, why hire someone to do it when it’s so much fun doing it yourself?)
19. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN AT YOUR CURRENT JOB?
2009: 6 years in March
2012: Long enough (standard answer yan. ‘wag makialam.)
20. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO TOM?
2009: Sinong Tom?
2012: Sorry, hindi ko pa din kilala si Tom.
22. LAST THING YOU ATE?
2012: Lechon kawali. Luto ni Mama Inday.
23. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE MONTH?
2009: October. Halloween eh.
2012: October. Hindi pa kasi nagbabago ang date ng Halloween eh.
24. YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MONTH?
2012: December, kasi bait-baitan ang lahat ng tao. First runner-up ang February.
26. WHO IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES RIGHT NOW?
2009: Some girl that I don’t know… malapit na syang masama sa Assassin’s list ko. Ingat-ingat… digital ang karma.
2012: Strangely enough, wala. Masyado akong busy para makipag-away sa mga walang kwentang tao (uuy, wala daw kaaway!)
27. MOST VISITED WEBPAGE?
2009: Friendster (because now I know how to use it), multiply (because I’ve rediscovered my password) and Live Journal (because I have a lot of angst)
2012: WordPress (because I check how many hit I get. vain ako that way)
28. LAST PERSON YOU TEXT MESSAGED?
2009: Shelly Belly Girl
2012: Jutes (who, incidentally, was previously known as Shelly Belly Girl. Akalain mo yun?)
29. LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU SAD?
2009: Si Brian
2012: Si Brian (parang hindi nagbago, noh?)
30. WOULD YOU TAKE A BULLET FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND?
2009: Oo naman
2012: In a heartbeat
31. FAVORITE KIND OF DRINK?
2009: Iced cold water
2012: Ice cold water (tama na ang grammar ko this year)
32. HAVE YOU BEEN TO EUROPE?
2009: No.. but it’s somewhere I’ve always wanted to go
2012: No… but someday I will
33. IF SOMEONE YOU HATED DIED, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
2009: Wala. Patay na sya, kebs ko sa kanya? (Pero deep inside, nagsusulat na ako ng Thank You card)
2012: Wala. Hindi pa din ako affected. (Pero magpapa-party din ako. friends ko lang ang invited.)
* * *
Dude, I was so cool in 2009. And, reading through my old blog, I just realized that I have so many of these surveys. Walking down my memory lane is an awesome experience.
At, maiba lang… Bakit walang #8 ang survey na ‘to? At bakit wala din #25?
I was looking through my old (and when I say old, I mean those from the beginning of this blog) and found this. So I’ve decided to take another crack at it.
Funny how some things have changed…
* * *
1.ARE YOU OVER 18?
THEN: For over seven years now
NOW: Oh my god, YES.
2. WHAT IS THE WALLPAPER ON YOUR CELLPHONE?
THEN: A picture of me and my fiance when we were in Westin
NOW: A retarded-looking cartoon that says “Mommy says that I’m SpEcIaL”.
3. DID YOU GET ENOUGH SLEEP LAST NIGHT?
THEN: Being the vampire that I am, I’m always awake at night (work requirement)
NOW: Not as much as I wanted… I fell asleep watching MasterChef
4. FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MORNING WHEN YOU WOKE UP?
THEN: What time it was. I apparently have this fear of being late.
NOW: “Homaygad, it’s morning. Shit.”
5. WHAT DO YOU HAVE HANDY AT YOUR BEDSIDE?
THEN: The book I’m currently reading… Right now it’s the “The Historian”
NOW: My cellphone.
6. EVER TRIED TO SKIP MEAL?
THEN: Always. Not that I try… I just usually don’t have a choice.
NOW: Yes. For so many different reasons =p
7. GRILLED OR FRIED?
8. WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE ?
THEN: I openly admit to the world that I am EVIL. No one believes me, though.
NOW: I am the Misconception of a Lesser Evil. Nobody gets that. I don’t know why.
9. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
THEN: Not if there is someone else I know who’s in the dark with me. No, let me rephrase that… it depends on who is in the dark with me.
NOW: Yes. There’s just no getting around that.
10. FAVORITE HANGOUT?
THEN: Bookstores, Novelty Shops, Starbucks… any place that has a chair.
NOW: Starbucks in Cybergate… Metrowalk… Music Match… And these are all the places Eloisa and I go to. Haha
11. THINGS YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT?
THEN: Intellectual stimulation. Even when falling in love, I have an IQ requirement.
NOW: Smart and honest conversation. Seriously, the lies have to stop.
12. FIRST THING YOU WILL BUY IF GIVEN ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS?
13. FAVORITE SONG WHEN YOU’RE SLEEPY?
THEN: Sweet Child of Mine – Sheryll Crow
NOW: If I want to sleep – “Lovely”, Michelle Tumes; If I want to wake up – “Rumour Has It/Someone Like You”, Glee Cast
14. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
THEN: Becoming incapacitated when I get older… that I’ll die after hitting 30… that no one will remember how EVIL I was…
NOW: Being forgotten
15. ARE YOU A GIVER OR TAKER?
THEN: Giver (if you’re nice). Most of the time, though, I’m a taker. I’m predatory by nature.
NOW: If I like you, I’ll give you anything you want. But I’m a taker. I’m still a predator. Always have been, always will be.
16. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
THEN: Joey… Je… Jelay… Jekay…
NOW: Joey… J… Momsie… Miss J…
17. WHAT IS THE FIRST LETTER OF YOUR DAD’S MIDDLE NAME?
18. IF YOU WERE INVISIBLE FOR A DAY, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
THEN: Out killing someone
NOW: Out killing someone… But making them suffer first
19. STUCK ON A DESERTED ISLAND & COULD HAVE ONLY ONE KIND OF FOOD FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
THEN: Pasta from Cibo with tons parmesan cheese
NOW: Homaygad. Still pasta. Still from Cibo. Still tons of cheese.
20. FAVORITE T.V. COMMERCIAL?
THEN: I would have one if I actually watched T.V.
NOW: I don’t know any commercials.
21. FIRST THING YOU’LL SAVE IN A FIRE
NOW: Myself. Duh.
22. YOUR EYE COLOR?
THEN: In person, brown. In pictures, it changes.
NOW: Again, seriously?
23. WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS BRING?
THEN: My Cigarettes
NOW: My cellphone
24. WHAT DID YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID?
THEN: A cashier, when I was really young. A nurse, when I got a little bit earlier. A writer, when I was in elementary. A singer (and a theatre actress!), when I was in high school. A lawyer, when I was about to enter college.
NOW: Still that… But add these to the list
25. WHAT DO YOU USUALLY DO WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES 7 AM?
THEN: On the days that I get off early, I’d probably be watching a DVD while eating breakfast. On the days that I get off late, I’d probably be wishing that I was at home, watching a DVD while eating breakfast.
NOW: On the days I wake up early, in the shuttle on the way to work. On the days I’m feeling a little lazy, dragging myself off the bed.
26. THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEET?
THEN: White, with pink flowers
NOW: Purple, pink, green and yellow squares
27. WHO DO YOU WANT TO MEET?
THEN: Queen Nefertiti
NOW: Mary Magdalene
28. HOW’S LIFE TODAY?
THEN: Interesting 🙂
* * *
Funny, too, how some things have remained the same.
“In nineteen minutes, you can mow the lawn, color your hair, watch a third of a hockey game.
In nineteen minutes, you can bake scones or get a tooth filled by a dentist; you can fold laundry for a family of five.
Nineteen minutes is how long it took the Tennessee Titans to sell out of tickets to the play-offs. It’s the length of a sitcom, minus the commercials. It’s the driving distance from the Vermont border to the town of Sterling, New Hampshire.
In nineteen minutes, you can order a pizza and get it delivered. You can read a story to a child of have your oil changed. You can walk a mile. You can sew a hem.
In nineteen minutes, you can stop the world, or you can just jump off it.
In nineteen minutes, you can get revenge.”
“Nineteen Minutes”, Jodi Picoult
I have been reading Jodi Picoult’s Nineteen Minutes – in fact, that’s where I got the excerpt from. I couldn’t get into it for a while… but now I can’t seem to put it down. I’ve gotten so engrossed that it’s even crossed my mind to buy an actual copy of the book – something that I have avoided in my attempt to avoid unnecessary expenses. It makes me wonder then – is reading a book about a school shooting, where a lonely, misunderstood boy ends the life of 10 people and injures 19 others a necessary expense?
Put that image on top of that tale – the most common lie we tell is “I’m fine” – and it hits a little closer to home.
I am known for crying over movies (regardless of the genre), songs, significant human experiences… and stories. Stories that I feel an unbelievable connection to. Stories that ring true. Stories of love… of loss… of hope… of death… of grief… of sorrow. But of all tales ever told, the ones that speak most to me are those about loneliness.
Of all things, I once considered Grief and Sorrow to be my oldest friends. So much that I once wrote about it when I was beginning Destiny (my attempt at a novel – but that is another story and will be told at another time). It wasn’t until I was spiraling down the darkness of depression that I found I stood to be corrected.
Do you know how it feels like to swim in a sea of sorrow, every exhausting second seemingly endless, with the shore nowhere in sight? I do.
I don’t understand whether it hurt more to find myself in that dark little hole, or to find that no amount of reassurance from those who love me was enough to pull me out. Those are the moments when every single demon comes out of every single memory, and every single second is filled with every fear you ever knew. Those are the moments when the darkness takes over your heart and all your eyes can see is despair. Those are the moments when every breath you take burns a million little holes in your lungs and you feel every iota of pain.
They say that suicide is a coward’s way out. They’re right, and I agree with them completely. I’m not proud of it, but it would be a lie to say that it’s never crossed my mind. I love my life, but sometimes I hate it. And I always, always wished I understood why.
Despite the dark and dreary entry, I must admit that I have been fortunate so far. I have had my dark days but I have always managed to pull out of it. Yet every success leaves me tired… So extremely and inexplicably tired.
When years trickle down to months… When months trickle down to days… When days trickle down to minutes… And minutes trickle down to seconds… How long will it take before you finally let go?
How long do you think will it take before I do?
A couple of weeks ago, my friends and spent more than 12 hours in Republiq, talking about anything and everything under the sun. I guess when you don’t see each other for a year, there’s a lot to talk about. Towards the end of the night (Day? We went our separate ways at 3:30 am, so I’m not too sure what to use), the topic strayed to one of our favorites – our exes.
Most infamous for me, of course, was the late, great NBS. I was asked the “Boy Abunda” question: If there was anything I would say to him, what would it be?
I mulled over it for a while. And then for a couple of days. And now I finally have an answer.
“Answers” to be exact – “I’m sorry”, “Have faith” and “I forgive you”.
There is a plan, by the way, to write a completely different post about this. Those three answers really do need a lot of explanation. But here’s something for right now…
People are surprised that “I’m sorry” was something that came out, I think – after all, things did not end well and bridges were burned all around (His words, not mine. Also, his decision, not mine). The thing is, I was not the perfect girlfriend (and this is more than just “the perfect girlfriend” who has so much in common with “the perfect man”, “santa claus” and “the easter bunny”). I was not the easiest person to handle (I’m still not). I gave him a lot of grief (a true talent, if I do say so myself).
But more than that, I was sorry because I failed him in one area that was unforgivable – I loved a lot of things more than I loved him.
One thing that I did admit to towards the end was I was more enamored with my job than the person I was doing it for. Looking back, it reminds me so much of that story I used to tell when I run TSM…
…There was once a man who wanted to give his family a good life. He kept thinking, “If I could only save $1,000,000 in 5 years, I could give them the life they deserve and I would be happy.” So the man worked night and day for years and years, trying to save up. After a little more than 5 years, he checked his savings account and found that his savings had reached $1,000,000. You would think he was the happiest man on earth.
But he wasn’t.
In his quest to save up $1,000,000 in 5 years, he spent so much time in the office that his kids grew up barely knowing their father… He let his life revolve around his work that eventually his wife felt taken for granted and left.
He was $1,000,000 richer, but one family poorer.
Sometimes, I think, we forget the very reason why we do things.
I’m sorry I loved my work more that I loved you. I don’t regret a lot of things and I’m really not sorry for choosing to be the way I am. But even I have to admit that I owed you that much.
That, and the fact that I think I’m in the place you once were when you were with me. They say you never really really figure out if something’s right or wrong for you until you’ve tried it. They were right. They also say you’ll never quite understand a person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. They were right about that too.
Karma, as I’ve finally figured out, is a bitch.
P.S. I’m also sorry that I broke your heart and it never healed. I’m sorry that after we broke up you stopped being angry and started being cruel. But most of all, I’m sorry that you made the world pay for it in every way imaginable.
P.P.S. Always remember, karma’ll be a bitch to you too.