23.19: Dancing Through the Fire

Universal Truth.

I have found the statements “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” and “Loving someone means giving them the right to hurt you” to be incredibly conflicting.

Especially when you happen to believe both to be true.

 

 

Dark & Twisted…

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22.13: A History Lesson

They say that life is made up of a series of lessons.  I have to agree.

When I look back at my life, I know that there were some lessons that I had to learn – which I did and I was (finally) able to move on.  Some lessons, however, are harder to figure out.  Whether this is because it’s a personality disorder on my part, a stubbornness that I cannot seem to get out of my system or simply a masochistic tendency, I do not know.

Sometimes I wonder if any of us will ever be at peace with the fact that those we love and love us loved someone else before us. I once asked someone if he regretted being with his ex (and he was with her for 4 years and it ended horribly) and he said yes.  And I had the gall to say, “Don’t.  You shouldn’t.”

Little did I know that there would come a time when him regretting it or not was not point.  The point was that I did.

True, she never did anything to me – I don’t even know her from Adam – and yet I loathe her existence. I loathe her for everything she did to him.  I abhor her for how she broke him. Most of all (and most illogically), I hate her for the simple fact that, once upon a time, he loved her.

Never mind the fact that he doesn’t love her now.  Never mind the fact that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  It’s that once upon a time he loved her… That once upon a time he wanted to spend his life with her.

Sometimes I wonder why I can’t leave the past well enough alone (and I have to applaud the amount of effort that I put into this, as it sometimes involves reading goddamn posts from (social network undisclosed) written a million years ago, going through horrendously long friends lists and about a bazillion photo albums containing some really badly taken – and not to mention embarrassing-if-that-were-me-I’d-rather-die-than-post-that – pictures).  I know it’s me and my perverse need to know everything… Even if I know that I’ll pay for it every single time.

This is not doubt.  Never think that it is.  I know that this is it for me.  I will never love – nor would I want to – anyone else.  I also know, however, that this is intrinsically and inexplicably wrong (the masochistic part, not the loving part).  I have come to the conclusion that it is easier for us to speak about our past because for us it is over.  But there is always that other person to think about.  The one who always hurts a little when they remember that they know what they know.  It’s not that I don’t understand that there was a past.  Sometimes I think I just wish I could erase it.

But I can’t.  I know what I know.  Against all logic, I went through what I did.  I did this.  This is my bed and now I have to lie in it.  There is absolutely no one to blame but me.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that this some baggage that I carry with me all the time.  It’s not.  But again, I know what I know.  This is me grieving. This is me trying to learn how to let go.  This is me trying to learn that one goddamn lesson that I cannot seem to learn.

I’ve always said that the worst kinds of hell are those that we make for ourselves.  And yet with that nugget of wisdom firmly lodged in my cranium, I really have to wonder, “Why on earth do I keep fucking doing it?”

And in times like these, the only sarcastic quip I can come up with to comfort myself is, “See the light at the end of the tunnel?  That’s a train heading straight for you.”

I told you I was a little crazy.

*smirk*

 

 

Dark & Twisted…

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21.13: I Think I Dreamed You Into Life

In Your Eyes I See My Future In An Instant

For the daily text messages and the nightly phone calls… All before we ever set eyes on each other.

I will always love you.

***

Maybe it’s intuition
But some things you just don’t question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
and there it goes
I think I’ve found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

[chorus:]

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There’s just no rhyme or reason
only this sense of completion
and in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I’m searching for
I think I found my way home
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

[repeat chorus]

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I found you

[repeat chorus to fade]

I Knew I Loved You,
Savage Garden

 

 

Blessed Be…

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20.13: Career Milestones

I found this interesting article that talks about certain “milestones” that we should have reached by the time we hit the big three-oh. Since I have successfully survived my twenties and am now in a different chapter in my life, I decided to compare this list to what actually happened to me.

And here’s what I came up with…

*          *          *

By the time we say goodbye to our twenties, what should we have experienced in our careers?

1. At least one intern has addressed you as “Mr.” or “Ms.”

TRUE. Not taking into consideration my current profession (wherein you are automatically called “Ms.”), I first experienced this while I was riding an unbelievable packed bus somewhere in Ayala Avenue. There was a man who was kind enough to give up his seat so I could sit down. And then he said, “Ikaw na po dito, Ma’am.” Good God, he called me “Ma’am”. I used to be a “Miss”. That was the day I realized I really was getting old.

2. Seven words: moved from your parents’ house for good.

TRUE. I finally bought my own place (check out my LifeList here) September of the previous year and moved in last April. It’s very empowering to have your own place. And after more than three decades of being shipped around, living with different people to whom you have to adjust, I finally have a sanctuary where I can just be myself. The one most important rule in my house is: If you don’t like the way I live, you can always leave.

3. Handled every schedule imaginable — days, nights, weekends, weekend nights, holidays, holiday nights… you get the idea.

TRUE. I have worked days, nights, and all hours in between. I have worked during Philippine, American and British holidays. Been there, done that. I’m very thankful that my schedule lets me keep a relatively normal life.

4. Written so many cover letters that you could pen an autobiography of failed job applications.

FALSE. I have only ever written one cover letter. In fact, when I was told that I had to write a cover letter to accompany my CV, I had to look it up online so I could get “samples”. Incidentally, that one and only cover letter I’ve ever written landed me the same job I’m still working in right now.

5. Had such a terrible boss that you questioned the very idea of working to earn a living.

TRUE. Her name was Meow and it seemed like she was meant for me. As punishment for every wrong thing I’ve done in my life. Then there was Mother B. Now that was a colorful character, if I do say so myself. And “colorful” is a euphemism for certain words I am unwilling to write here.

6. Realized that your college major — once a pivotal career decision — really didn’t matter all that much.

TRUE. Dude. Seriously. I have a degree in non-clinical Psychology with a minor in Communications. There aren’t ready-made jobs for courses like mine. I do, however, admit that my background comes in really handy.

7. Slaved away in your office on a picture-perfect Sunday because, well, the work’s just gotta get done.

TRUE. It was not in my office. It was in some office in South Superhighway. Or Antipolo. So many Sundays of my life I shall never get again. *sigh*

8. After several years in the professional ranks, your résumé no longer has traces of college clubs and achievements.

N/A. I never put college clubs and achievements on my CV. And the fact that I didn’t have college clubs and achievements is besides the point.

9. Battle tested, you don’t even flinch when the client says, “This isn’t what I wanted. You’ll need to do it again.”

TRUE. I sit in during Management Committee meetings of one of my clients. I dealt with that girl who had ginger for toes. Believe me, I’ve done this.

10. Maintained a 401k and contributed funds to the point that you can actually see it working.

N/A. I don’t understand what this means. :p

11. Defused a stressful office situation by saying, “In my experience, here’s what we should do.”

TRUE. I’m a consultant. This is normal. I’m actually pretty handy in crises since I’m not prone to emotional outbursts (Unless, of course, the crisis happens to be the carpenters making a mess out of my house. Then I’m a bundle of nerves and I get really nasty.)

12. Landed a nice raise and proceeded to buy something you would never get otherwise.

TRUE. The Macbook. The DSLR. The Macbook Pro. The condo. And all these were possible because of a promotion and being kuripot since I was, like, 10.

13. Elected to take an advanced education course (or pick up a new skill) because of the value it added to your career.

TRUE. About the picking up a new skill part. And the newest skills that I’ve developed (after learning how to put on make-up) was selling.

14. After bouncing from job to job, you finally see the value of a stable situation with long-term potential.

FALSE. I’ve never been the type to hop from one job to another. I was with my first company for seven years. I was with my second company for five months (admittedly, that was a bad example).

15. Been there and done that long enough to understand who you are and the type of work that gets you out of bed in the morning. If your twenties were the decade to get knocked around, then may you spend the next ten years cashing in on the education.

TRUE. Although I have been very, very fortunate with the jobs that I landed (stable company, relatively good compensation, extremely few but fantastic friends), one thing that I did learn was that every time you apply for a job, it’s not only them who’s making a choice regarding choosing you. You also have to make a choice to choose them.

Coincidentally, I did choose to join the company from where I learned that. And I’m still here until now 🙂

 

 

Ciao Bella!

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19.13: Random Rantings of a Resume-Reader

To You. Yes, Really.

I was recently tasked to go through a not-so-big pile in resumes in hopes of finding a diamond in the rough. The objective of this particular activity was to find suitable candidates for an initial face-to-face interview. 30 minutes into it, my head began to pound (later on you will understand why). Due to an undeniable need for therapeutic release, I have decided to write about it.

Let’s begin with the end. Out of 15 CVs, my good friend AC and I ended up with (drum roll, please!)… 3. Three. Seriously. Three (I cannot get enough of saying this out loud).

Some time between CV #3 and #15, I was making mental notes of what I wanted to say to these people. Since I now know that I will (thankfully) never get to meet around 80% of them, I will write it down instead.

Here goes (in no particular order)

CV #1: You’re overqualified. We’re afraid that you’re going to bore people to death when you talk. No, seriously, you’re overqualified. Take that as a good thing.

CV #2: It was very nice of you to share that you are currently processing your papers for possible employment out of the country. I would, however, rethink this as it only made me wonder if you were planning to flee the RP any time soon. Also, it is best, when sending a horrendously long CV, to have all pages formatted as short or long, not a combination of both.

CV #3: You are very intelligent – your background and extensive career certainly speaks for you. You are, unfortunately, also very old (and when I say old, I mean OLD). I am concerned that you might suddenly keel over and die during class.

CV #4: To be honest, you actually made it to the “maybe” pile. I applaud the very courageous decision to shift from the automotive industry to that of the BPO. I have no doubt that you are very good at what you do right now. However, further screening of your application moved you from the “maybe” pile to the “no” pile. Also, it would be best, when updating your work history, to begin with your most recent employer, not the one you were with two decades ago.

CV #5: Please do not write your cover letter using size-20 font. I may be visually impaired, but I am not blind. Size 12 would have done just fine. Some tips for future endeavors…

1.) When applying for a position, please decide what position you’re actually applying for. This is not the lottery. More entries does not mean more chances of winning.

2.) Do not rely so heavily on MS Word’s spell and grammar check. You may spell all the words correctly, but it does not mean that you make sense. And even if you have skills for running something efficiently and have outgoing personality and professionalism in creating a calm and friendly work environment, I highly doubt that you will be the best asset for my organization.

3.) When you have attached something to an email, it has already been done. Therefore, it should be in the past tense. It’s the tense wherein you put a -d or -ed after the verb. Unless it’s irregular, of course.

CV #6: Bata ka pa. Marami ka pang bigas na kakainin. Next time nalang.

CV #7: It is normally good practice to include tasks and responsibilities for your employment history. Don’t just put the company, your position and how long you were there. Malay ko ba kung ano ginagawa mo dun. I will, however, admit to being in awe of your ability to put a full-body picture in your resume.

CV #8: When listing down tasks and responsibilities of previous and present jobs, please do not write in paragraph form. There are things called bullets. Use it.

CV #9: The position you are applying for is that of a Training Consultant. Please do not write “Application For: Hostes, Receptionist, Captain, F&B” on your resume.

CV #10: (background omitted) ka. Hindi namin kelangan ng (position connected to background omitted). Sana i-check ang qualifications bago mag-apply.

CV #11: Maganda sana ang resume mo… sana yun ang kelangan namin. Isa ka pa – check qualifications before applying. Please? Ako na nagmamakaawa.

CV #12: There are no words. Like seriously. Because of you, I posted “Bakit ang daming galit sa subject-verb agreement and tenses? Maawa naman kayo sa nagbabasa sa sinulat nyo.” on facebook.

*          *          *

So… Three.

Here’s to hoping.

 

 

Dark & Twisted…

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18.13: Songs for You

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

It’s not that I’ve had nothing to write about – on the contrary. I guess it’s rather hard to write about life when you’re a little too busy living it.

But we are all called to do certain things… And, once again, I have been called to put words on (cyber) paper.

*          *          *

I recently discovered this sweet song by Taylor Swift called “Begin Again”. It reminded me of how it all began for me with my husband all those months ago. Sometimes I wonder if he has noticed how many times I’ve played that song at home. What can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic till the end.

Took a deep breath in the mirror
He didn’t like it when I wore high heels
But I do
Turn the lock and put my headphones on
He always said he didn’t get this song
But I do, I do

Walked in expecting you’d be late
But you got here early and you stand and wave
I walk to you
You pull my chair out and help me in
And you don’t know how nice that is
But I do

And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny ’cause he never did
I’ve been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

You said you never met one girl
Who had as many James Taylor records as you
But I do
We tell stories and you don’t know why
I’m coming off a little shy
But I do

But you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny ’cause he never did

I’ve been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

And we walked down the block to my car and I almost brought him up
But you start to talk about the movies that your family watches
Every single Christmas and I want to talk about that
And for the first time what’s past is past

‘Cause you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny ’cause he never did
I’ve been spending the last eight months

Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

“Begin Again”
Taylor Swift

*          *          *

And because this song (and its video) is the cutest thing ever, it gave me the brilliant idea to list down songs that have mattered to me. To him. To us.

And here we go…

The Song: Love of My Life (The Wedding Song), Darla Day
The Words: “…You’re the one I prayed for long ago / Fearless trust I never thought I’d know / I’ve found the answer to my dreams / My eyes were opened to love’s mystery…”
The Reason: This song was given to me, mind you 🙂

The Song: Fade Into You, OST Nashville
The Words: “… If you were a window and I was the rain / I’d pour myself out and wash off the pain / I’d fall like a tear so your light could shine through / Then I’d just fade into you…”
The Reason: I LOVE this song. It’s the kind that has a melody that wraps itself around you and never lets go.

The Song: Blessed, Christina Aguilera
The Words: “…Blessed for everything you’ve given me / Blessed for all the tenderness you show / Do my best with every breath that’s in me / Blessed to make sure you never go…”
The Reason: Because that is how I feel every single day since I found you.

The Song: For All of My Life, For Real
The Words: “…For all of my life / You are the one / I will love you faithfully forever / All of my life / You are the one / I give to you my greatest love / For all of my life…”
The Reason: This was playing on the radio when you brought me over to my uncle’s house. That was a Sunday. I told you I fell in love on a Sunday.

The Song: Begin Again, Taylor Swift
The Words: “…I’ve been spending the last eight months / Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end / But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again…”
The Reason: Because on a Saturday in McDonald’s I watched it begin again.

The Song: By Your Side, Sade
The Words: “…When you’re lost and you’re alone and you cant get back again / I will find you darling and i will bring you home…”
The Reason: It’s Sade. And it’s jazz. It’s something I would dance to. And because I will always be there, by your side.

The Song: Have I Told You Lately (That I Love You), Rod Stewart
The Words: “Have I told you lately that I love you / Have I told you there’s no one else above you / Fill my heart with gladness / Take away all my sadness / Ease my troubles that’s what you do…”
The Reason: Because even though I have learned enough to always love myself a little more, I will always love you first and myself second.

The Song: When I Need You, Rod Stewart
The Words: “…When I need you / I just close my eyes and I’m with you / And all that I so want to give you baby / It’s only a heart beat away…”
The Reason: If I could give you everything you want, I would.

The Song: Everything Has Changed, Taylor Swift feat. Ed Sheeran
The Words: “…’Cause all I know is we said, “Hello.” / And your eyes look like coming home / All I know is a simple name / Everything has changed / All I know is you held the door / You’ll be mine and I’ll be yours / All I know since yesterday is everything has changed…”
The Reason: Because finally I have come home.

The Song: Over the Rainbow, Eva Cassidy
The Words: “…Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue / And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.”
The Reason: You always said this song sounded like hope. You, in turn, are my hope.

*          *          *

I will always love you.

 

 

Blessed Be…

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17.13: This One’s for You

A Life Story.

My Life in Verse

To the one who said she would always defend…
To the one who said we’d always be friends…
To the one who I will always regret…
To the one who will never, ever forget…

To the one who still cannot forgive…
To the one who said she would never leave…
To the one who broke my mending heart…
To the ones who took and would then depart…

To the one who was able to begin anew…
To the one who remains a friend so true…
To the one who finally came back home…
To the one who always called me his own…

To the one who taught me how to fall…
To the one who taught me to stand so tall…
To the one who taught me how to see…
To the one who said they should love me for me…

To the ones who hurt, who burned, and lied…
To the ones who thought I would be silent and cry…
To the ones who are only brave when amidst a throng…
To the ones I proved to have been wrong…

To the one who hurt me without meaning to…
To the one who spoke without being spoken to…
To the one who filled my heart with bliss…
To the one who will be my one last kiss…

To the only one I would have said,
“With this ring, I thee wed”…
To the one who loved me at first sight…
To the one I will love until last light…

To the one I come home to in the dark of night…
To the one I wake up to in the morning light…
To the one whose life mine is entwined to…
To the one I love… This one’s for you.

 

 

Blessed Be…

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