My friend gave me back one of the books I loaned her probably about a year ago – something that personally, I haven’t even read. So I’m taking the time to finally start reading it now.
There are books that have successfully changed my life – this still remains true after all these years… after I first wrote it here. There is one book in particular, that found me at a time when I had truly lost all sense of self… So much that I turned myself into a completely different person, all to ensure that the one who was supposedly so in love with me wouldn’t leave.
But he tried to, anyway. Every single year of the four that we were together. Until one day, he tried to leave… and I let him. And when he tried coming back, I realized I would survive without him… and so I refused to let him back in. I realized that losing him was a lesser evil than losing sight of who I was.
But, admittedly, that left me broken. I had given so much of myself and he had taken so much of me that I couldn’t wrap my head around how I was supposed to piece everything together. Looking back at it now, I still haven’t quite mapped out the journey that I took… just that it was a path that I had to walk on my own.
I am not ashamed of having been broken. It made me strong and independent, but it also made me afraid and untrusting. And I think the path of broken-ness is still something that I walk – and something that I have been walking on for more than a decade now. And today, I’ve decided that it is okay. That I’m alright with still being on that road… and I am alright with still not having been able to completely put myself together.
Perhaps it will take another decade… maybe it will take longer than that, but the act of picking up the pieces of my life is something that cannot be rushed. And I refuse to pretend that I have everything fixed and everything planned when, in truth, sometimes I find myself living one day at a time.
But I am living… not just surviving. And I’ll take the joy with the sorrow, the peace with the pain. I refuse to exist in limbo and so I will ask the difficult questions and I’ll take the answers that come my way. I will not settle. I will not be an option – not when I deserve to be a choice that someone makes everyday.
I deserve to be a choice that I make for myself every single day.
It was Joe E. Lewis who said “You only live once – but if you work it right, once is enough.” I will make sure that once is enough.