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71 in ’12: INSTRUCTIONS: Play Video Then Read

I’ve been going through my old blog and, if you haven’t guessed yet, the previous entry was from there. It was a letter written by someone way back in 2004. And, when I really think about it, he could have very possibly had the other half of my spirit. I, of course, wrote him back… (I want you guys to have the total experience – ambiance and everything – so please follow instructions as stated in the title)

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I guess it’s my turn to begin a letter with the words with ‘How do I even begin to write?’ I imagine you’re not too happy with me right now… Particularly after all the questions that I threw your way earlier.

I’m sorry if I make your life so much harder than it already is… But I refuse to apologize for the questions that I asked.

I know you’ve told me time and again that now is not the time… Nor do you have any idea if there ever will be… But for some reason, that just simply refuses to sink in. Perhaps in time it will… But not now. That much I can tell you.

I have the same hopeless inside as you do… That nagging feeling that I will spend the rest of my days alone. It always seems as if my purpose in someone’s life is to help them see just how beautiful life can be.. To bring back their faith in life… In hope… In love. And when they do have again, then my work is done. Then i have to leave… Or I get thrown away. For some reason I have resigned myself to this. I have always been the messenger… And it seems as if I always will be.

I know you don’t understand a lot of things about me. And I must admit there are a lot of things that, try as I might, I don’t understand about you either. I won’t even try to explain. Some things happen just they’re supposed to… And I guess sometimes, that’s all explanation I need.

Please don’t distance yourself from me… There are so little joys in life and I don’t want mine to lessen by one. Just be a friend, if that’s all you could ever be for me… If that’s the only thing you’d ever want to be with me. I can’t force you to be anything else… Free will. Just be a friend… Hold my hand… Just be there.

You keep saying that you prey on the innocent. But I have seen too much… Felt too much… Given too much to have any innocence left in me. I think you have it the other way around. I am not your innocent. You are mine.

I’d like to believe that no one and nothing can ever hurt me or break my heart if I don’t let it. So leave my heart to me. It is mine to own and mine to give away. It will be mine to make… Mine to break… And apparently I do a damn good job of shattering it over and over again.

I know I’m selfish. I won’t even try to deny that. But I would rather have you in my life as something other than what I want than to not have you in my life at all. I know that there are times when you wish that you didn’t love me. But you do. And there are moments when I wish that I never fell in love with you. But I did. So leave this feeling to me. Give me at least that. Give me the shortest moments… The most fleeting instances of happiness… And leave my heart to me.

For some reason, I never learn, do I? And my heart never has any decency to choose someone who could just fall back in love with me. I’m not sorry for loving you… But at least respect the way that I do, because it’s the only way I know how. You know how I am about regrets… My life is far too short for them to exist.

Not all this may make sense… But respect it anyway. Or pretend to, at the least. Be there, even if you can’t be with me. Love me, though you can’t entirely. And let me love you the way I know how. Maybe things will work out. Maybe they won’t. But just try to understand this… Even if we both know that you’re not ready to walk into my life… Even if we both know that I’m not ready to walk out of yours.

*          *          *

Footprints in the Sand

It’s been almost 10 years since I last saw King. Although his face has become a blurred memory, today I cannot help but remember. We were kindred souls and these were were our lives put down in paper. I no longer wonder about him, even as I walk down memory lane. I knew being together was not in the stars for us… And I was okay with that.

I really did love him, although he was never mine. At one point I think I said I would have done anything for him. Looking back at how things unfolded for the two of us, I realize that, in the end, I did. I did the one thing that I never wanted to do.

In the end, I let him go.



Blessed Be…

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70 in ’12: That Night He Wrote the Saddest Lines

From somebody that I used to know…

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How do I even try and write to you? My God, I hope that I find the right words and follow the right reasons for writing this. You know, despite my seeming indifference to you, you keep coming to me, and you scare me so much. Do you know why? It’s because you remind me so much of how I was when I was in so much love once. I loved no matter what. I loved even when it hurt. I’ve lost that part of me so long ago and am afraid that I’ve lost it forever. I sometimes weep for that part of me that will never understand nor recognize if I’d met myself in the past. I’m totally a different person now. I don’t even like myself anymore.

Do you know that I’ve tried to love someone? I tried to love the girl that I was talking to you about. I tried to love her. Like you, like so much like you, I lost. Like so much like you, I have tried and tested that in so many times in my life, when I tried, I lost. What can I say? Life plays a nasty game on us. I wish I was never born sometimes. I wish at other times to have this fake life end already and let me join the true bliss that there is in death and what comes after. I know that feelings never die. I, you, the ones that truly did try and love, go on… forever. This makes this life so boringly obvious to me. Life is, at times, a very deliberate delaying tactic of God, denying me of what’s really for me. But God gave me so much more than hurt. God gave life in its’ entirety; love, hurt, pain, joy, tears, and melancholic moments, in a wonderfully mysterious sequence unraveling everyday.

You’ve touched my life in so many ways and have confused my decision not to be with you so many countless times. I love you Joey. Please don’t get me wrong. I do love you. I just played the idiot and thought to myself that its not you because if it were you, then I would have never doubted in the first place. Stupid idealisms; goes well with my being an idiot. I hate myself for not being “the one” for you. Do you know how it feels to know something so much undeniably? I think that you are a very unique person; almost unbelievably perfect at times, and that’s no compliment but rather what just is.

Why do you love me? Why? Why is God like this? Why am I hurting you? I miss your company and the times when we would just talk and not worry about anything. I miss the time when we were in Laguna and just talking about life. Jing will never understand how pure my intentions were at the time. You are only one of a handful that I know who loves life so much like I do. I’ve held these people so closely in my life, and maybe that is the reason why I’m hurting you. I can’t stand to be away from you. Why can’t I just be with you and not hurt you? Why God? Why? Seeing you in-love with him was one of the unique pleasures I’ve cherished for so little a time only. I’ve always told you that I loved to be with you guys. I loved watching you in-love. But with me, when I saw that in your eyes… it was admittedly, the most fearful and most difficult thing I’ve faced in my life, and am still facing. I still am sometimes wishing that you guys get back together, but I guess none of that is up to me. More than that, I guess that I’ve ruined so much of what you guys had back then that it would be almost impossible for anything to develop again; at least not while I’m here. I wish I was out of Sykes already. I wish that I got my business going. It may be the reason why I’m working so damn hard in trying to get that started. I actually think that I will do so many people a favor by just disappearing.

I’m not thinking that my leaving will start things again with you and Jing. Instead, I think that I’ll at least stop hurting you. I’ll at least stop seeing Jing and missing our friendship. He was a friend to me Joey, not by virtue of us being teammates or anything. I guess I just felt so hurt to have another person totally hate my guts, and me not being able to do anything about it. I wanted to say to him that because of what I’ve done, and how things played out for the three of us, I wish I was never in Sykes in the first place. Again, I’m questioning why I was thrown in that kind of position in the first place. No matter what you say, I will forever feel that I’ve ruined your lives, no matter how good my intentions were.

I wanted to tell you that I think that you’re too young to die…not physically Joey, but to die in living life. That is what I feel so sad about, when I see you, and you’re lonely. I hate the fact that you resent your life so much. Despite what you believe, I know… I know that there is so much good in the world out there for you. I don’t want you to ever give up. Never. I can die tomorrow or today, but I’ll never give up before that. I don’t regret having lost Joey. Although it hurts so much, I won’t regret it. I’ve loved life and it has nothing to do but accept it. No matter what kind of deal life cuts for me in the end, I can say that I tried.

A Love Story that Never Was

When you try, genuinely try. Genuinely forgive the times when you will lose. We lost, but we’re here. I love you and you love me. I don’t think that I’ll stop loving the things that you are to me. But I know that I cannot rationalize in being with you. It has to come naturally. I don’t know why it hasn’t come for me, but its no reason for me to play the risk I know which is not worth it.

You were right saying that you’re not worth the risk. But you got the interpretation all wrong. You’re not worth the risk because you’re so special. You’re not worth losing Joey. I guess that’s why I’m still around.

Please be happy that we’re very good friends, that we’re not even in the same category for friends to me, that we share so much of life and its’ simple goodness and wonder, that we can talk about anything, that the stars are so beautiful and patient with our sighs to them almost every time we look up, that we seem to be always at love’s losing end but are masochistically attracted to it, that love is all there is, that the heart is not an organ or a muscle but is our reason for living, that God sees all our fears and just urges us on to wait for tomorrow, that all our tears are worth something, that music will take us to the places where are tongues are mute, that you an I will forever be an anomaly that nobody could ever understand but us.

I love you my dear Joey. Blessed be…

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Now THIS is a love letter. Sometimes, I think it’s the saddest letter ever written.



Ciao Bella!

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61 in ’12: Dancing In The Rain

One book that I’ve always wanted to finish was Richard Templar‘s Rules of Life. Unfortunately, I lost my copy and I have spent the last year searching for another one. In vain.

But if there’s a will, there’s a way. I might now have found the book I was looking for, but I found several blogs (each of which are acknowledge at the appropriate segment) that shares several things to live by. Here is a list made up of several lessons from several sites. One day, I hope to add my own.

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From Regina Brett
1. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
2. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
3. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
4. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
5. The most important sex organ is the brain.
6. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
7. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
8. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
9. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

From Nancy Sathre-Vogel
1. There is nothing to hold you back except you.
2. The only mistake that can truly hurt you is choosing to do nothing simply because you’re too scared to make a mistake.
3. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.
4. Do what you love, not what you think you’re supposed to do.
5. Forgiving yourself is far more important than getting others to forgive you.
6. For the most part, it doesn’t matter what people think. Follow your own truth.
7. You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have.
8. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
9. Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.
10. When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.
11. It’s not about getting a chance, it’s about taking a chance.

From Marc and Angel Hack Life
1. Most of the time what you are looking for is right in front of you.
2. People deserve a second chance, but not a third.
3. Marry your best friend.
4. If you never act, you will never know for sure.

From Paid to Exist (Part Un)
1. Often those who aren’t the easiest to love are the ones who need it the most.
2. Money is not the root of all evil, fear is.
3. Every man has a right to choose his own destiny.
4. Be grateful for this moment, it is all there is.

From Paid to Exist (Part Deux)
1. Creatively expressing yourself is like making love to the universe.
2. The greatest gift you can give someone is your time.
3. Everyone is an divine artist, writing their own story each day, choose to write your story with love.

From Me 🙂
1. If you’re waiting for life to be easy or fair, you will be waiting for a really, really long time.
2. If you refuse to accept anything but the best, then that is what life will give you.
3. If you want to be with someone, then BE with that someone. No excuses.
4. Love me first. Love me second. Love me third. Because that is the only way I know how to love you.
5. You are worth it.

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Options multiply, PhoenixFire, when insistence lessens.

And when the time is right, I’ll help you choose.

Be fruitful,
The Universe



Ciao Bella!

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57 in ’12: Something From ’09

You all know this isn’t my first blog, right? If you didn’t though, check this out. It’s a complete riot to read (this coming from me, who recently found my old blog site and have been laughing my ass off for the last half hour over the things I wrote so many years ago).

Take this, for example…

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2009: Ew. No.
2012: Uh, no. (at least wala nang “ew”, diba?)

2009: My black tube top.
2012: A white shirt that says, “Hard Rock Cafe”. And it isn’t even mine.

2009: You mean asides from my boyfriend?
2012: Hell, yeah! (hulaan kung sino!)

2009: Refer to answer number 3
2012: Wala na akong Top Friends List. Hindi na uso ang Friendster. Haller.

2009: Everyone except for 2… so now that makes it… 169
2012: All of them. The ones I don’t have been deleted. Or were never added in the first place. I mean, seriously, why would you even add someone you don’t know on facebook?

2009: 2 max
2012: Still 2 max. But I want the first to be a girl. So she can grow up to be just like me. (watch out, world!)

2009: Considering that they’ve been dead since I was 15? I’d say pretty much.
2012: Considering I barely remember one and made up really good memories about the other… Yes. *smirk*

2009: Probably not
2012: Probably

2009: I… went to work. Buti nalang meh surprise yung mga friends ko.
2012: I was in the office. Seriously. (in fairness, so many people greeted me this year. Mas “sociable” na kasi ako ngayon. Apir!)

2009: 8:30 am
2012: 5:30 am (and before that 4:00 am. and before that, 2:30 am. and before that, 1:00 am. I have horrible sleeping habits… can you tell?)

2009: Leaving the office (my shift ends at 10:00 pm)
2012: Sleeping. I took my lovely little pink and white pill that night.

2009: It depends
2012: Censored ang answer ko dito. Lol!

2009: Basta (this involves violence, probably)
2012: Start the weekend! (kunwari hindi na ako violent)

2009: 21 years ago. I barely remember her.
2012: 25 years ago.

2009: My tendency to feel too much… mas madali kasi dati nung hindi ako ganun… Kahit anung mangyari, keri lang.
2012: Ang pagka-maldita ko (ay wait, change ba kamo?) But seriously… the tendency to be depressive.

2009: Go to Europe… then hire an assassin.
2012: Buy my condo unit outright. Build books so I can have my own library. Be an assassin. (seriously, why hire someone to do it when it’s so much fun doing it yourself?)

2009: 6 years in March
2012: Long enough (standard answer yan. ‘wag makialam.)

2009: Sinong Tom?
2012: Sorry, hindi ko pa din kilala si Tom.

2009: Greenwhich!!!
2012: Lechon kawali. Luto ni Mama Inday.

2009: October. Halloween eh.
2012: October. Hindi pa kasi nagbabago ang date ng Halloween eh.

2009: December
2012: December, kasi bait-baitan ang lahat ng tao. First runner-up ang February.

2009: Some girl that I don’t know… malapit na syang masama sa Assassin’s list ko. Ingat-ingat… digital ang karma.
2012: Strangely enough, wala. Masyado akong busy para makipag-away sa mga walang kwentang tao (uuy, wala daw kaaway!)

2009: Friendster (because now I know how to use it), multiply (because I’ve rediscovered my password) and Live Journal (because I have a lot of angst)
2012: WordPress (because I check how many hit I get. vain ako that way)

2009: Shelly Belly Girl
2012: Jutes (who, incidentally, was previously known as Shelly Belly Girl. Akalain mo yun?)

2009: Si Brian
2012: Si Brian (parang hindi nagbago, noh?)

2009: Oo naman
2012: In a heartbeat

2009: Iced cold water
2012: Ice cold water (tama na ang grammar ko this year)

2009: No.. but it’s somewhere I’ve always wanted to go
2012: No… but someday I will

2009: Wala. Patay na sya, kebs ko sa kanya? (Pero deep inside, nagsusulat na ako ng Thank You card)
2012: Wala. Hindi pa din ako affected. (Pero magpapa-party din ako. friends ko lang ang invited.)

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Dude, I was so cool in 2009. And, reading through my old blog, I just realized that I have so many of these surveys. Walking down my memory lane is an awesome experience.

At, maiba lang… Bakit walang #8 ang survey na ‘to?  At bakit wala din #25?




Ciao Bella!

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21 in ’12: Borrowed

While browsing through some of the blogs I’ve linked to my own, I found this and fell completely, insanely, irrevocably in love with it…

1. Love is your paint brush, the world’s your canvas.

2. We are life’s meteors that entered this atmosphere on a fiery dream of love.

3. Love is learning the tender graces of the heart as you adhere to the undulating alchemy of another human being alive in you.

4. You can complain that love hasn’t found you, that it has left you high and dry with nothing left to your name, but your name is the only name love repeats.

5. We are all stars crashing into consciousness – dreams awakening – love illuminating – rodeo riders of the moon – poets writing the rhyme and reason to keep love alive. (This sounds most like me, I think)

That Rose-Colored Lens

6. Love will knock down doors, part the seas, walk on water and shake the stars from the universe to find you. (FAVORITE!!! As in.)

7. Love transcends time and places us gently in the center of gravity.

8. The biggest part of the mystery is that you are led to places of the heart and soul that will show you your capacity to love. And that’s the reason you are here.

9. How can you not have time for love, when love always gives you time. Feel love, give love, be love, live love, spread love, love, love.

10. Love IS and all there IS.

11. To love each other is your greatest reward. You are the greatest love story.

Ciao Bella!

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07 in ’12: Starting

Today, I am filled with sadness.

I wish I knew the reason behind it, but I do not. All I know is that it’s something that’s been hanging over my head and last night was relatively sleepless because of it.

But I have never been one to wallow in the woes of my life – I think I stopped doing that the day I decided I will no longer hide behind my parents’ death. So let’s talk about something else in my life. Soon, I know my sorrow will pass.

So anyway.

As you all know, I follow several blogs too – finding inspiration from it, and, at times, using it as a springboard for my own entries. I was reading a post from The Positivity Blog (to read it too, click here) and I suddenly realized how simple and true the first tip was.

* * *

Tip #1: The secret of getting ahead…

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.”

This is a very good tip and one of the best ones I have ever discovered and used to handle procrastination.

When you start to look too far into the future any task or project can seem close to impossible. And so you shut down because you become overwhelmed or fearful (of success or failure) and start surfing the internet aimlessly instead.

So instead, break that task into small and practical steps.

Then just focus on taking the first step today. That is all you need to focus on, nothing else. By taking the first step you change your mental state from resistant to “hey, I’m doing this, cool”. You put yourself in state where you become more positive and open, a state where you may not be enthusiastic about taking the next step after this first one but you are at least accepting it.

And so you can take the next step. And the next one after that.

Until you have arrived at your destination and completion.

* * *

Since my early twenties, I have perpetually been in the state of trying to lose weight. I’m always “trying” because I never actually lost all the weight I wanted to lose. In the many, many years that I have been “trying”, I have come to realize that nothing really beats hard work and a healthy diet.

I have also come to realize that there is no denying that I am an extremely impatient person. When I do something, I want the results to be immediate. Admittedly, has led to countless discontinued diets or workouts. Every single day, after doing something relatively strenuous, I cannot resist stepping on a scale and checking my weight. And then when I see that my weight has not changed, I lose interest because I feel it is not effective. Did I ever consider the fact that it might be too soon to see the difference? No. That’s how impatient I am.

Last year, I decided to start running. Or, to be more accurate, Brian finally convinced me to join him during his runs. So I did – I mean, I whined, bitched and complained along the way, but I still did it. In October of 2010, I ran 12 times and was able to cover a total distance of 48.2k. For a beginner, I was rather disciplined – I never let more than 3 days pass without running again.

Then October ended.

The following month, despite being able to run longer distances, I only covered a total distance of 11.1k. That was because I only ran twice in November – once on the 8th and then again on the 16th. And then I got really “busy” (lazy) and started justifying (making up excuses) why I wasn’t running as much as I used to.

The the time I decided to run again, it was December 30th. During the last 2 days of the year, I desperately tried to reach 5k on a single run, but I had let myself go and just couldn’t get back to it.

At this point, you might be wondering why I keep talking about running and losing weight when I started out with Mark Twain. The thing is, I realized two very important things towards the end of last year.

First, that I was running for the wrong reason. I ran because I wanted to lose weight. It was exactly the same way when I was going to the gym – I kept working out because I wanted to get thinner. And when I did, I couldn’t bring myself to continue working out. At one point, I read somewhere that if you’re going to run, don’t run for weight loss. Run for fitness, because fitness is a lifestyle. I totally get that now.

Second, I took on too much, too soon. Sometimes, I really have to take things one step at a time. When you take on too much, everything becomes overwhelming. It starts to look daunting, which leads you to question your ability to do it. And there starts your downward spiral to despair. I’ve been there many, many times and I’m telling you, it’s not somewhere you would want to be.

Now I honestly want to say that I’m running for fitness, but I can’t. I’m not sure if I’m there yet. But I do know I’m on my way.

I used fatigue from work as one of the more common excuses for not running. I get home at past 7 o’clock in the evening on a normal work day. When I get home, the only thing I can bring myself to do is collapse on my bed. After explaining this to him for the hundredth time, Brian told me to put on my shoes and take a walk anyway. “If after 5 minutes, you still feel tired, that means your body’s really not up to it. Go home and rest.”

These days, I begin every run with that thought in mind: “Five minutes”. For the last couple of times, by the time five minutes have passed, I realized that I’ve been running for the last two.

At the end of the day, it really is about the little things. It really is about the first step.

If you want to become someone… If you want to do something… The first thing you have to do is Start.

Ciao Bella!

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The Art of Simple Living – Part Un (74/365)

I found another awesome blog to read.  One of its entries speaks of simple living.  The author was right when she said that every person would define a “simple life” differently.  But more importantly, she was able to point out that one commonality between all those definitions – the creation of peace and harmony and living each day as easy as possible.

The 40 Little Lessons she shared is something I think most people would appreciate.  It made for a good read as well as an interesting (and cathartic) entry.

Lesson #1: Accept that you can not please everyone and stop trying to.

This has always been a damn if you do, damn if you don’t kind of thing.  No matter what you do, you will always encounter those people who do not agree, approve or be happy with what you’re doing.  So stop trying.  It’s hard to keep changing who you are and what you do just to make others happy.  I always try to remember that those who matter won’t mind and those who mind shouldn’t matter.  Or, as I once posted as an IM handle, “I don’t mind, and you don’t matter.”

Lesson #2: Be honest and open, it saves time.

People are not mind-readers.  If you get frustrated because other people expect you to understand them without them saying anything, then don’t do it to anyone else.

Lesson #3: Stick to a budget and live below your means.

I hate “surviving” – living from one paycheck to the next.  Most people think it’s a joke when I say I’m in “panahon de peligro” (dangerous times), but it’s been a real thing and it terrifies me.  So I’ve made up a new financial plan and hopefully, in a few months, I would have made progress.

Lesson #4: Start your day ahead of schedule.

A couple of years ago, I took the MBTI and it turns out I was an extreme J (judgmental).  It’s interpreted as being a stickler for schedules and it was so true.  I still think I’m one of the most adaptable people I know – this kind of flexibility is truly a gift – but I still like having some structure in my life.  This would probably explain why I really like making lists – and why horribly inconsiderate people piss me off to the ends of the earth.

Lesson #5: When it comes to cleaning, find corners you can cut.

I appreciate a clean room as much as the next person, but I’m not going to get my panties up in a bunch if it isn’t.  What I don’t like is when people get their panties all up in a bunch because a room isn’t clean and act as if you’re the only person who made the mess.

Lesson #6: Stop obsessing about other people, be true to yourself.

Go back to lesson #1: No matter what you do, you can’t please everyone… So you might as well do the things that make you happy.  Just make sure you’re prepared for what happens afterwards.

Lesson #7: Get your home, and work place, organized once and for all.

We all need a little organization in our lives, so we might as well do it.  As with anything else, it’s always the first step that’s the hardest.

Lesson #8: Purge regularly, both people and possessions, that have no use in your life.

It only truly matters if it’s real.  Real friends.  Things with real sentimental value.  When you really look at it, you’d be surprised how few the real ones are.

Lesson #9: Stay on top of debt.

There’s the credit card.  And my mobile network provider.  Then the cable.  And the electricity.  That doesn’t even include the things I really want to buy.

But I’m working on this.  I really am.  I know I’ve lost it for the last couple of years, but I have a plan now.  All I have to do is stick to it.

Lesson #10: Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

In the Devil’s Advocate, Al Pacino said, “Vanity is definitely my favorite sin.”  Vanity.  Pride.  We hold on to it so much because we think it makes us look weak when we let go and start needing other people.  But it’s the best of us, I think, who knows when we should hold on… And when it’s finally time to let go.

Check our Lessons 11 to 20 some other time.

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On a completely unrelated note, I’m watching the first season of One Tree Hill (which is presently on it’s 8th season).  I’m starting the third episode and I’m still wiping away the tears I cried over the first two.  Talk about having issues.

Till then… Ciao.

Blessed Be…

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