Tag Archives: Faith

66 in ’12: Tonight, We Were Invincible

I should have done this when I was reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower, but that’s done and over with and now I’ve moved on to a new book: Looking for Alaska, by John Green.

To whet the appetite of those who have been reading my blog and those who want to join me in my many, many adventures in the world of books, here are some unforgettable moments…

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“And in my classes, I will talk most of the time, and you will listen most of the time. Because you may be smart, but I’ve been smart longer.”
Dr. Hyde

“I would love to spend my remaining breath chatting with you about the finer points of Islamic history, but our time together is short. I must talk, and you must listen, for we are engaged here in the most important pursuit in history: the search for meaning.”
Dr. Hyde

She looked at me and smiled widely, and such a wide smile on her narrow face might have looked goofy were it not for the unimpeachably elegant green in her eyes. She smiled with all the delight of a kid on Christmas morning and said, “Y’all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.”
Alaska Young

The next day, Dr. Hyde asked me to stay after class. Standing before him, I realized for the first time how hunched his shoulders were, and he seemed suddenly sad and kind of old. “You like this class, don’t you?” he asked.

“Yessir.”

“You’ve got a lifetime to mull over the Buddhist understanding of interconnectedness.” He spoke every sentence as if he’d written it down, memorized it, and was now reciting it. “But while you were looking out the window, you missed the chance to explore the equally interesting Buddhist belief in being present for every facet of your daily life, of being truly present. Be present in this class. And then, when it’s over, be present out there,” he said, nodding toward the lake and beyond.
Conversation between Pudge and Mr. Hyde

“Sometimes I don’t get you,” I said.

She didn’t even glance at me. She just smiled toward the television and said, “You never get me. That’s the whole point.”
Conversation between Pudge and Alaska

Just like that. From a hundred miles an hour to asleep in a nanosecond. I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase.
Pudge

“Don’t you know who you love, Pudge? You love the girl who makes you laugh and shows you porn and drinks wine with you. You don’t love the crazy, sullen bitch.”

And there was something to that, truth be told.
Alaska, as said to Pudge

People, I thought, wanted security. They couldn’t bear the idea of death being a big black nothing, couldn’t bear the thought of their loved ones not existing, and couldn’t even imagine themselves not existing. I finally decided that people believed in an afterlife because they couldn’t bear not to.
Pudge’s Paper

The Great Perhaps was upon us, and we were invincible. The plan may have had faults, but we did not.
Pudge

More than anything, I felt the unfairness of it, the inarguable injustice of loving someone who might have loved you back but can’t due to deadness, and then I leaned forward, my forehead against the back of Takumi’s headrest, and I cried, whimpering, and I didn’t even feel sadness so much as pain. It hurt, and that is not a euphemism. It hurt like a beating.
Pudge

He was gone, and I did not have time to tell him what I had just now realized: that I forgave him, and that she forgave us, and that we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth.
Pudge

And so that is the question I leave you with in this final: What is your cause for hope?
Dr. Hyde

When you stopped wishing things wouldn’t fall apart, you’d stop suffering when they did.

Someday no one will remember that she ever existed, I wrote in my notebook, and then, or that I did. Because memories fall apart, too.
Pudge

We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.
Pudge’s Final Paper

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PhoenixFire, if it was just about surviving, getting by, and keeping things the way they are, then how would you explain imagination?

If it was just about sacrifice, selflessness, and altruism, then how would you explain desire?

And if it was just about thinking, reflection, and spiritual stuff, then how would you explain the physical world?

Get the picture, PhoenixFire? Want it all. That’s what it’s there for.

Vroom, vroom –
The Universe

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Dear Universe,

I love him.

One day, we will meet.

Love,
PhoenixFire

 

 

Blessed Be…

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62 in ’12: Breaking Free

I am SO in love with this video…

Hey, at least I’m in love with something, right? 🙂

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Go ahead, PhoenixFire, want it all. Just learn to be happy before it arrives, or you may not notice when it does.

Tallyho,
The Universe

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Dear Universe,

I am ready. Love will come.

Love,
PhoenixFire

 

 

Ciao Bella!

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38 in ’12: Faithful

When I was sixteen, I made the mistake of confessing to a really old Italian priest my deepest and darkest secret at that point. You have to understand that until that point, the Catholic Church’s god was the only deity I ever knew. I was brought up catholic and I didn’t know anything else.

It’s funny how I still remember it until now – kneeling in the confessional, torn, until the last moment, between wanting to confess and wanting to continue keeping a secret. I was sixteen. The need to tell the truth – and wanting to be “clean” on my sixteen birthday – won.

And what did I get out of it? I got an old Italian priest ranting in his little confessional box, asking me in clipped tones how impossibly stupid I could have been. That was the day I decided that if I ever wanted to ask for absolution again, I would go straight to god and skip the priests.

From being a girl who served every single Sunday in church (and spent a lot of weekday afternoons there, too), I became a girl who wouldn’t step inside a “house of god” unless it was a) absolutely necessary (i.e. it was part of an academic requirement, or if someone died) or, b) under duress. The next time I stepped into a church, I was 23, I think. My Aunt Janice died and the family held a service for her here. I know there must have been a couple of other moments here and there, but I honestly don’t remember anymore.

Am I religious? Hell, no.

But I am faithful.

When I tell people I’m a walking contradiction, I wasn’t exaggerating. I am faithful. I believe there is a higher power – I just don’t buy into the whole “Our God is the only God” bit. On this note, not many people know that I pray the rosary on a daily basis.

True, it’s a recent thing for me, but I found that the repetitiveness of the whole thing puts me in a different state of mind. It’s not the actual words that calm me down, but the act of saying it over and over again. What I found to be profoundly perplexing was the fact that when I would say my personal prayers, after I’ve said the entire rosary, I usually end up crying.

My friend Jutes (our pet name for each other and, yes, this a long story and will be told at another time) believes that this is the beginning of my journey back. Maybe. I’m not completely sold to the idea yet. And yet I wonder why I insist that when – if? – I do finally decide to get married, I refuse to do so anywhere but in church. I pray for several people – 6, now 7 – and the more I do it, the more I realize that the peace that I pray for so much is what I get when I do that.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, I began having some problems with my love life (are there any other kinds of problems worth writing about asides from those concerning matters of the heart?) or whatever you call it. Needless to say, I lost the peace I was feeling. Then one day, I realized that my prayers – or wishes, as I prefer to call it – were more for me. Without knowing it, I started praying for me… and apparently, that brought me no peace.

So these days, I pray for them.

Mind. Heart. Soul.

I pray that she be continued to be blessed with strength and wisdom. I pray that he figure out what he really wants so he can do what makes him happy. I pray that he grows up and becomes the man that he can be. I pray that he finds happiness… even if being happy means not being with me.

And I pray that I find peace.



Blessed Be…

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26 in ’12: Believer

In light of recent events, I haven’t been opening my email (I’ve been on vacation since Thursday last week). I missed several messages from The Universe and, now that I’ve read it, it is nothing short of… telling.

I leave it up to you so interpret…

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Maundy Thursday (April 5)

You only ever have to ride the wave of life, Phoenixfire, not create it, to be taken anywhere you dream of being.

Hang ten,
The Universe

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Good Friday (April 6)

Never has there been a moment in your life, Phoenixfire, that wasn’t also a moment in mine.

Never have you laughed without me, cried alone, or loved in vain.

And never have you dreamed a dream, that destiny had not ordained.

Thanks,
The Universe

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Black Saturday (April 7)

A Universal Rule on Decision Making…

Don’t make them, Phoenixfire, until it’s time to make them.

Unless you already know what you want, in which case, however, there is no decision to be made.

You know,
The Universe

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Finding Faith

It is fairly unusual for me to find someone to talk to who does not look at me strangely after hours of conversation. My views in life are rather… Strange… And it has been my experience that people find my beliefs weird and at odds with what has been deemed as “socially acceptable” (a concept, by the way, that I am violently opposed to). So to find someone who gets me without the need for any kind of explanation is something else.

I once told a friend I cannot believe that this is the only life I’ve lived. There are too many things about me that do not “fit” this particular world. This, I think, has always supported my belief in past lives. I also believe that our past lives influence the things we are inexplicably drawn to in the present. I believe there are people we are destined to find over and over again because any life remains incomplete without them.

Someone once told me that there really isn’t a right time or a wrong time for something – and I guess that’s true. Everything happens for a reason, even if sometimes we don’t understand why it happened when it did.

The concept of soul mates is another thing that I actually find logic in. A soul mate is exactly what it says it is – a the other half of your spirit. I believe all spirits made flesh are split into two, and if both are born in the same lifetime, each continually searches for the other, whether consciously or unconsciously. This accounts for that inexplicable longing we sometimes feel, no matter how fulfilled or complete we see our lives to be. Despite the popular, romanticized notion of Twin Spirits, I just believe that our soul mate is that person who embraces our essence wholly. It’s the person who walks with us as we go through life, journeying with us as we travel towards what we were born to do.

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Dear Universe,

I know.

Forever In Love,
Phoenix fire


AudioSlave To: Suddenly (Soraya)



Blessed Be…

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