Tag Archives: Forgiveness

66 in ’12: Tonight, We Were Invincible

I should have done this when I was reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower, but that’s done and over with and now I’ve moved on to a new book: Looking for Alaska, by John Green.

To whet the appetite of those who have been reading my blog and those who want to join me in my many, many adventures in the world of books, here are some unforgettable moments…

*          *          *

“And in my classes, I will talk most of the time, and you will listen most of the time. Because you may be smart, but I’ve been smart longer.”
Dr. Hyde

“I would love to spend my remaining breath chatting with you about the finer points of Islamic history, but our time together is short. I must talk, and you must listen, for we are engaged here in the most important pursuit in history: the search for meaning.”
Dr. Hyde

She looked at me and smiled widely, and such a wide smile on her narrow face might have looked goofy were it not for the unimpeachably elegant green in her eyes. She smiled with all the delight of a kid on Christmas morning and said, “Y’all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.”
Alaska Young

The next day, Dr. Hyde asked me to stay after class. Standing before him, I realized for the first time how hunched his shoulders were, and he seemed suddenly sad and kind of old. “You like this class, don’t you?” he asked.


“You’ve got a lifetime to mull over the Buddhist understanding of interconnectedness.” He spoke every sentence as if he’d written it down, memorized it, and was now reciting it. “But while you were looking out the window, you missed the chance to explore the equally interesting Buddhist belief in being present for every facet of your daily life, of being truly present. Be present in this class. And then, when it’s over, be present out there,” he said, nodding toward the lake and beyond.
Conversation between Pudge and Mr. Hyde

“Sometimes I don’t get you,” I said.

She didn’t even glance at me. She just smiled toward the television and said, “You never get me. That’s the whole point.”
Conversation between Pudge and Alaska

Just like that. From a hundred miles an hour to asleep in a nanosecond. I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase.

“Don’t you know who you love, Pudge? You love the girl who makes you laugh and shows you porn and drinks wine with you. You don’t love the crazy, sullen bitch.”

And there was something to that, truth be told.
Alaska, as said to Pudge

People, I thought, wanted security. They couldn’t bear the idea of death being a big black nothing, couldn’t bear the thought of their loved ones not existing, and couldn’t even imagine themselves not existing. I finally decided that people believed in an afterlife because they couldn’t bear not to.
Pudge’s Paper

The Great Perhaps was upon us, and we were invincible. The plan may have had faults, but we did not.

More than anything, I felt the unfairness of it, the inarguable injustice of loving someone who might have loved you back but can’t due to deadness, and then I leaned forward, my forehead against the back of Takumi’s headrest, and I cried, whimpering, and I didn’t even feel sadness so much as pain. It hurt, and that is not a euphemism. It hurt like a beating.

He was gone, and I did not have time to tell him what I had just now realized: that I forgave him, and that she forgave us, and that we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth.

And so that is the question I leave you with in this final: What is your cause for hope?
Dr. Hyde

When you stopped wishing things wouldn’t fall apart, you’d stop suffering when they did.

Someday no one will remember that she ever existed, I wrote in my notebook, and then, or that I did. Because memories fall apart, too.

We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.
Pudge’s Final Paper

*          *          *

PhoenixFire, if it was just about surviving, getting by, and keeping things the way they are, then how would you explain imagination?

If it was just about sacrifice, selflessness, and altruism, then how would you explain desire?

And if it was just about thinking, reflection, and spiritual stuff, then how would you explain the physical world?

Get the picture, PhoenixFire? Want it all. That’s what it’s there for.

Vroom, vroom –
The Universe

*          *          *

Dear Universe,

I love him.

One day, we will meet.




Blessed Be…

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16 in ’12: Mirrors

A couple of weeks ago, my friends and spent more than 12 hours in Republiq, talking about anything and everything under the sun. I guess when you don’t see each other for a year, there’s a lot to talk about. Towards the end of the night (Day? We went our separate ways at 3:30 am, so I’m not too sure what to use), the topic strayed to one of our favorites – our exes.

Most infamous for me, of course, was the late, great NBS. I was asked the “Boy Abunda” question: If there was anything I would say to him, what would it be?

I mulled over it for a while. And then for a couple of days. And now I finally have an answer.

“Answers” to be exact – “I’m sorry”, “Have faith” and “I forgive you”.

There is a plan, by the way, to write a completely different post about this. Those three answers really do need a lot of explanation. But here’s something for right now…

People are surprised that “I’m sorry” was something that came out, I think – after all, things did not end well and bridges were burned all around (His words, not mine. Also, his decision, not mine). The thing is, I was not the perfect girlfriend (and this is more than just “the perfect girlfriend” who has so much in common with “the perfect man”, “santa claus” and “the easter bunny”). I was not the easiest person to handle (I’m still not). I gave him a lot of grief (a true talent, if I do say so myself).

But more than that, I was sorry because I failed him in one area that was unforgivable – I loved a lot of things more than I loved him.

One thing that I did admit to towards the end was I was more enamored with my job than the person I was doing it for. Looking back, it reminds me so much of that story I used to tell when I run TSM…

…There was once a man who wanted to give his family a good life. He kept thinking, “If I could only save $1,000,000 in 5 years, I could give them the life they deserve and I would be happy.” So the man worked night and day for years and years, trying to save up. After a little more than 5 years, he checked his savings account and found that his savings had reached $1,000,000. You would think he was the happiest man on earth.

But he wasn’t.

In his quest to save up $1,000,000 in 5 years, he spent so much time in the office that his kids grew up barely knowing their father… He let his life revolve around his work that eventually his wife felt taken for granted and left.

He was $1,000,000 richer, but one family poorer.

Sometimes, I think, we forget the very reason why we do things.

I did.


Dear You,

I’m sorry I loved my work more that I loved you. I don’t regret a lot of things and I’m really not sorry for choosing to be the way I am. But even I have to admit that I owed you that much.

That, and the fact that I think I’m in the place you once were when you were with me. They say you never really really figure out if something’s right or wrong for you until you’ve tried it. They were right. They also say you’ll never quite understand a person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. They were right about that too.

Karma, as I’ve finally figured out, is a bitch.


P.S. I’m also sorry that I broke your heart and it never healed. I’m sorry that after we broke up you stopped being angry and started being cruel. But most of all, I’m sorry that you made the world pay for it in every way imaginable.

P.P.S. Always remember, karma’ll be a bitch to you too.

Ciao Bella!

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05 in ’12: Thoughts

pro·lif·ic /prəˈlifik/

  • (of a plant, animal, or person) Producing much fruit or foliage or many offspring.
  • (of an artist, author, or composer) Producing many works.

I was recently described as prolific. What brought this about? I think sharing a part of a letter I wrote yesterday would make things a bit clearer…

* * *

“…But at the end of the day, it couldn’t just all be because of him, right? We were all part of it too, regardless of how much time we actually spent standing up in front of the room and talking. I’m seriously wondering if there is something fundamentally wrong with how we do things. It’s been 2 in a row and, to be honest, a little unnerving…

…The strangest thing – for me, anyway, is that I don’t feel anything right now. I mean, yes, I feel bad about the grade, but it wasn’t like when <insert name of org here> happened. That time I couldn’t let it go and I felt like everything was my fault. This time, I think I was a little more forgiving of myself. Or maybe I’m in denial and it’ll all catch up with me in the end.

But thank you for always believing that I could do it.


* * *

And the universe said unto me…

An old soul is not an old soul by virtue of age, Angelique, but for their patience, self-measure, and happy tears for no apparent reason.

The Universe

Maybe the reason we cry happy tears for no reason is because somewhere along the way, we’ve finally learned how to forgive ourselves.

Even for just a little bit.

Ciao Bella!

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Pater Noster

Pray in the manner in which I have instructed you, using the rose as the model for the Holy Spirit.

And working from left to the right always, embrace the first petal of the holy rose, which is to say the petal of FAITH, and pray,

To Our Father Who is Benevolent and Reigns in Heaven,

You names are hallowed and sacred.

Contemplate here your faith in the Lord your God and the grace of the Holy Spirit, while giving gratitude for the presence of both in your life and on earth.

Embrace the second petal, which is to say the petal of SURRENDER, and pray,

Your kingdom comes to us through obedience to your will.

Thy will be done.

Listen to the voice of your Father that you may hear his will and carry it out without fear or fail.  Stay in this petal for as long as it takes you to submerge yourself and find the blessed release of surrender to his will rather than your own.

Embrace the third petal, which is to say the petal of SERVICE, and pray,

On earth as it is in heaven.

Here you will reaffirm your promise, to God and to yourself, if you are fully anthropos and have remembered it.  If you have not yet reached the state of realization, you will confirm your commitment to create heaven of earth by acting in accordance with the Way of Love, by loving the Lord thy God above all else, and by loving your brothers and sisters on earth as yourself, for they are a part of yourself.  You will pray then for enlightenment, that through gnosis you will remember the nature of your own eternal promise.

Embrace now the fourth petal, which is to say the petal of ABUNDANCE, and pray,

Give us this day our daily bread, the manna.

Give thanks to the Lord for all he has provided you and know that when you live in harmony with hi will, and honor your promise to his service, you will know the bounty of abundance and never have a day of want,  There is nothing that you need or desire that will not be provided you when you live in the flow of God’s grace, and when you have aligned yourself with God’s will.

Embrace the fifth petal, which is to say the petal of FORGIVENESS, and pray,

And forgive us for our errors and debts,

As we forgive ourselves and all others.

Here you must list those who have harmed you, who have given ill witness against you, or who have otherwise caused you pain.  And you must forgive them, while praying that they will one day be fully anthropos and realize their own connection to God and remember their own promise.  You must ask that anyone you have offended forgive you in the same way, and most of all you must forgive yourself for all the actions and thoughts that have brought shame upon you in your human weakness.  For while all forgiveness is the balm of our compassionate Mother, self-forgiveness is needed most of all.

Embrace the sixth petal, which is to say the petal of STRENGTH, and pray,

Keep me on the parth of righteousness and

Deliver me from the temptation of evil.

For temptation is that which keeps us from becoming fully realized beings.  It prevents us from keeping our promise to God and to ourselves and to each other and is found through the temptations of avarice, hubris, sloth, lust, wrath, gluttony, and envy most of all.  Contemplate these sins and pray for your release from any that tempt you from the path of the anthropos.

Pray in this manner that I have given you, and teach your brothers and sisters in spirit to do the same.  It is through this prayer that they will live as love expressed.

Love Conquers All.

For those with ears to hear, let them hear it.

The prayer of the Six-Petaled Rose,

From the Book of Love,

As Preserved in the Libro Rosso

Pages 219 to 221

The Book of Love

Holed Up in: The Big Room in Colorado

Drowning in: The Hum of the Air Conditioner

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