Tag Archives: Hope

21.13: I Think I Dreamed You Into Life

In Your Eyes I See My Future In An Instant

For the daily text messages and the nightly phone calls… All before we ever set eyes on each other.

I will always love you.

***

Maybe it’s intuition
But some things you just don’t question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
and there it goes
I think I’ve found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

[chorus:]

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There’s just no rhyme or reason
only this sense of completion
and in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I’m searching for
I think I found my way home
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

[repeat chorus]

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I found you

[repeat chorus to fade]

I Knew I Loved You,
Savage Garden

 

 

Blessed Be…

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18.13: Songs for You

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

It’s not that I’ve had nothing to write about – on the contrary. I guess it’s rather hard to write about life when you’re a little too busy living it.

But we are all called to do certain things… And, once again, I have been called to put words on (cyber) paper.

*          *          *

I recently discovered this sweet song by Taylor Swift called “Begin Again”. It reminded me of how it all began for me with my husband all those months ago. Sometimes I wonder if he has noticed how many times I’ve played that song at home. What can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic till the end.

Took a deep breath in the mirror
He didn’t like it when I wore high heels
But I do
Turn the lock and put my headphones on
He always said he didn’t get this song
But I do, I do

Walked in expecting you’d be late
But you got here early and you stand and wave
I walk to you
You pull my chair out and help me in
And you don’t know how nice that is
But I do

And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny ’cause he never did
I’ve been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

You said you never met one girl
Who had as many James Taylor records as you
But I do
We tell stories and you don’t know why
I’m coming off a little shy
But I do

But you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny ’cause he never did

I’ve been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

And we walked down the block to my car and I almost brought him up
But you start to talk about the movies that your family watches
Every single Christmas and I want to talk about that
And for the first time what’s past is past

‘Cause you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny ’cause he never did
I’ve been spending the last eight months

Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

“Begin Again”
Taylor Swift

*          *          *

And because this song (and its video) is the cutest thing ever, it gave me the brilliant idea to list down songs that have mattered to me. To him. To us.

And here we go…

The Song: Love of My Life (The Wedding Song), Darla Day
The Words: “…You’re the one I prayed for long ago / Fearless trust I never thought I’d know / I’ve found the answer to my dreams / My eyes were opened to love’s mystery…”
The Reason: This song was given to me, mind you 🙂

The Song: Fade Into You, OST Nashville
The Words: “… If you were a window and I was the rain / I’d pour myself out and wash off the pain / I’d fall like a tear so your light could shine through / Then I’d just fade into you…”
The Reason: I LOVE this song. It’s the kind that has a melody that wraps itself around you and never lets go.

The Song: Blessed, Christina Aguilera
The Words: “…Blessed for everything you’ve given me / Blessed for all the tenderness you show / Do my best with every breath that’s in me / Blessed to make sure you never go…”
The Reason: Because that is how I feel every single day since I found you.

The Song: For All of My Life, For Real
The Words: “…For all of my life / You are the one / I will love you faithfully forever / All of my life / You are the one / I give to you my greatest love / For all of my life…”
The Reason: This was playing on the radio when you brought me over to my uncle’s house. That was a Sunday. I told you I fell in love on a Sunday.

The Song: Begin Again, Taylor Swift
The Words: “…I’ve been spending the last eight months / Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end / But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again…”
The Reason: Because on a Saturday in McDonald’s I watched it begin again.

The Song: By Your Side, Sade
The Words: “…When you’re lost and you’re alone and you cant get back again / I will find you darling and i will bring you home…”
The Reason: It’s Sade. And it’s jazz. It’s something I would dance to. And because I will always be there, by your side.

The Song: Have I Told You Lately (That I Love You), Rod Stewart
The Words: “Have I told you lately that I love you / Have I told you there’s no one else above you / Fill my heart with gladness / Take away all my sadness / Ease my troubles that’s what you do…”
The Reason: Because even though I have learned enough to always love myself a little more, I will always love you first and myself second.

The Song: When I Need You, Rod Stewart
The Words: “…When I need you / I just close my eyes and I’m with you / And all that I so want to give you baby / It’s only a heart beat away…”
The Reason: If I could give you everything you want, I would.

The Song: Everything Has Changed, Taylor Swift feat. Ed Sheeran
The Words: “…’Cause all I know is we said, “Hello.” / And your eyes look like coming home / All I know is a simple name / Everything has changed / All I know is you held the door / You’ll be mine and I’ll be yours / All I know since yesterday is everything has changed…”
The Reason: Because finally I have come home.

The Song: Over the Rainbow, Eva Cassidy
The Words: “…Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue / And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.”
The Reason: You always said this song sounded like hope. You, in turn, are my hope.

*          *          *

I will always love you.

 

 

Blessed Be…

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75 in ’12: Yours

And I ask you… Who on earth would not fall in love with a man who publicly professes his love for you?

I came back to the condo tonight, exhausted from work, to find this in my newsfeed, “An Angel came into my life quite recently which made me feel worthy of being called a man … I love you joey ♥” Who wouldn’t smile and find herself at a loss for words? And the man who posted that – he is mine. Even if I never ask him, I know.

Sometimes I wonder what made it so different this time.

Truly, he is unlike any man I have ever met. He belongs to a time that I thought had passed – where traditions were honored and chivalry wasn’t dead. When I see myself through his eyes, I become the most beautiful girl on the face of the earth. In his eyes I am a blessing, a miracle, that somehow found its way into his life. I know he will forever be thankful for me… that he will always forgive my imperfections. I know he will love me with all that he is, even without me asking.

That is how he makes me feel – that I am worth all the years of waiting, all the years of never having met.

Promise.

Promise.

And I love him. I love him for the man that he is and the man he wants to be. I love him for having been broken and finding himself better for it. I love him for the hope he gives me – that maybe this is it, maybe I will find my happily ever after. I love him because he makes me want to live a better life – one that is filled with blessings and grace and bliss.

My love for him does not blind me to reality, but it makes me unafraid of what could happen. I see tomorrow when I look in his eyes… A tomorrow that I thought was not meant for me.

So yes, you are the Goddess’ greatest gift to me. I will always be grateful to her for having given me you.

*          *          *

 

 

Blessed Be…

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74 in ’12: How The Pieces Fit

Who’s to say how much time is needed for one person to fall in love with another? Some people have known each other their entire lives and never really fall. Some people have always had a certain person in their lives and, one day, wake up and finally “see” him in a completely different light. Some people meet and the rest is history.

Me? It took me a total of 12 days to fall in love. And the best thing about it is that he loves me too.

I know some people won’t understand and I know that there will be a lot of questions. If you’re one of them, then I guess this post will be a complete and utter disappointment to you. You see, no matter how many questions you ask – how it happened, how it could have happened, why it happened – I have no answers for you except this: It happened. So there.

No, I didn’t know him since forever. Before last month, he wasn’t even remotely a part of my life – so I didn’t just wake up one day seeing him as someone who was more than a friend. He was someone that I met and got to know at the right place at the right time.  I was ready for him when he found me. 

Finally.

Finally.

The night he told me he loved me, I did not ask if he was sure. I didn’t ask why. I accepted it for what it was – the truth. I don’t know how I knew. I just did.

Even before having met him, I knew one day I would love him. I fell in love with his mind and his heart and a little bit of his soul… Everything else was icing on the cake. You have to understand that life has been long and lonely for me. That I have been broken so many times. That I was completely prepared to be alone. But I met him and that changed. When I listen to his voice, my heart feels so much lighter. When I look at him, I do not see the perfect man, but I see a beautiful, beautiful person. When I learn about his life, it sometimes feels like a life that I had lived. No, we are not the same person and I will never claim that – but with him I found something that I could not find in myself. With him, I found peace.

It’s the kind of peace that makes you smile for no reason, at some random moment of the day. It’s the kind of peace that makes you feel that everything will be alright and no matter what life throws your way, you’ll be able to get through it – and that you wouldn’t have to go through it alone. It’s the kind of peace that makes you believe that you are worth it. It’s the kind that proves that sometimes it doesn’t have to be so hard after all.

One thing that I’ve learned was that I was not looking for a man who would save me. At the end of the day, the only person who could save me is me. I was looking for someone who would be there… Who would hold my hand… Who would hold me close… Who would understand. I was looking for someone who would be there while I tried to save myself.

In all honesty, I do not owe anyone any kind of explanation. The fact of the matter is, there is no explanation. There is no what or how or why for me. For me there just is.

One me. One him. One love.

And I couldn’t be happier.

 

 

Blessed Be…

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72 in ’12: After All

As that Sound of Music song goes, “Let’s start from the very beginning… A very good place to start…”

How I wish I knew when it began. Then maybe I would be in a better place to understand everything now. I have known you for quite a while and I never even entertained the thought of seeing you as more than a friend. That is unusual for me.

You have always been there… you were the one I told all my stories to… you were the one I would bother when there was nothing to do… you were the one who appeared for not real reason, greeted me good morning and asked me what was up… you were the one who was always there. Yet you were the one who I never saw.

Until now. Now you’re all I see.

I guess, in a way, I have Batman to thank for this. And before that, Old Man. And before that, D. And before that, the Abstract Artist. And before the Abstract Artist, I guess I have to thank He-Who-Broke-My-Heart. Since the beginning is a very good place to start, I really have to say this – when I really look at it, the beginning started with the end.

One Hope

He broke my heart. He broke it so badly that there were days when I thought I would never get over it. It took me to a place that made me think I was meant to be alone. After all, how could a four-year relationship end in less than 5 minutes at 5:30, one April morning?

I remember when we broke up more than 2 years ago. Why we broke up isn’t important. What is important is the fact that back then, he wasn’t ready to let go. So he fought for me – no matter how many times I told him that I needed time and I needed space. When we ended things this year, a part of me couldn’t help but feel cheated – because this time, it was over for him. This time, he was the one who wanted to let go. This time, he was ready. So he just… left.

Why was it so easy for him to leave? Why was it so easy for him to fall in love with someone else? Why was it so easy for him to move on? Why was it so easy for him to forget what we had? Why was it so easy for him?

How come it had to be so hard for me?

Admittedly, the version of me who reacted to the whole thing was not the best, to put it mildly. I tried to move on, and, like most things, the intention was good, but the execution left a lot to be desired. I ended up feeling more hurt and more used than I’ve ever been before and now that that particular phase has passed, I can honestly say that it was no one else’s fault but mine. I want to point fingers and say that the Abstract Artist was an adulterer and that D was a cheating, indecisive prick. I want to point fingers and say that Old Man had no balls and that Batman was a dick. But at the end of the day, matter how many fingers I point at other people, at least one finger would always point back at me. It was my decision to be with them.

Joy was right. I had lessons to learn with each and every one of them.

With the Abstract Artist and with D, I learned that no amount of it “feeling right” would change the fact that taking something that was already someone else’s was wrong. I did not learn with the Abstract Artist, so I made the same mistake with D. And I probably would have made the same mistake again had not learned that I deserved to be someone’s choice, and not just an option. With them, I learned that I was worth it.

With Old Man and Batman, I learned that past behavior will predict future behavior. If he was a coward with so many other girls, he would still be a coward with me. If he just wanted sex 8 years ago, chances are, sex was all he wanted now too. I did not not learn with Old Man, so I made same mistake with Batman. I thought they would be different now, but they weren’t. With them I learned that people will not change for me.

With He-Who-Broke-My-Heart, I learned that we can only change for ourselves. But more that, I learned that when we do change, we should change for the right reasons.

One Truth

And now I have come full circle. Now I come back to you.

You were everything I said I didn’t want. I have always been one for labels, but I cannot seem to have one for you. There are a lot of things I want to say to you, but I think I’ll save it for another day. You are a different story and I will tell it at another time.

We are very different, you and I… And yet sometimes, it seems like the lessons we have to learn are the same. Maybe these are some of them…

…That we have to live in the present, which means we have to let go of the past.
…That we are better for having once been broken.
…That we have to stop running after the wrong things in order for the right ones to catch us.
…That we have to give people the chance to love us.
…And, at the end of it all, we have to realize that maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t have to be so hard after all.

Maybe.

One Secret

*          *          *

Turning up the love, PhoenixFire.

Turns on everything else.

Love up,
The Universe

*          *          *

Dear Universe,

It’s like up to the max ❤

On The Edge,
PhoenixFire

 

 

Blessed Be…

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68 in ’12: Ooh La Love

Homaygad… This song made me smile so much today.

Celestial Bliss

*          *          *

Mmm
Hey baby
It’s you I truly adore
I finally found the
Peace of never wanting more
Singin’ a sweet song of
Who and where I belong
I see a vision of a love
That’s more than strong
I feel so fine, truly divine
My dream has
Come to life, hey yeah
You’re always there
On my mind

‘Cause when I need two arms
That can hold me tight
A tender loving kiss
That can make it right
Someone to chase the
Darkness into the light
I know it’s true
Baby, there’s none
Better than you

‘Cause my love is true, ooh

Oh my dear I can’t say
The way that I feel
You’re more than words
You’re more than
Pictures can reveal
Sugar is sweet but
With you it’s hard
To believe (believe)
There’s nothing to compare
You’re all I want and need
Eternally I’m gonna see
All that love can be
Yeah yeah
Heaven has given to me

Hold me tight
(Tender loving kiss
Can make it right)
Can make it right
(Someone to chase the
Darkness into the light)
I know it’s true
Yeah yeah
Baby, there’s none
Better than you

And I know in time
Our hearts
Will be together
I see your smile
And I see forever
Baby, baby
And our love is true
Ooh
There’s no one
Better, oh
There’s no one
Better than you

Better Than You
Lisa Keith

 

Ciao Bella!

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67 in ’12: I’m Holding Every Breath for You

“Life offers you a thousand chances… all you have to do is take one.”
Frances Mayes, Under the Tuscan Sun

This is easier said than done… Especially for those of us who have been hurt, who have hoped, who have waited in vain… Those who have hurt others, who have been denied, who hold on to regret. It’s so hard to move on.

Why do we keep holding on? Because it’s better to be alone than to be open to the possibility of hurting? Has the pain become addicting? Are we forever caught in that vicious cycle of longing for something that can never be ours? After all, as long as what we want is out of reach, it never really has the power to make us bleed.

This is my answer: I hold on because holding on is “safe”. When we are perpetually running after someone or waiting for something, we never have to do anything different. Actually, we stay where it is safe because it gives us an excuse to never really do anything. Period.

But at the end of the day, that’s what it is – an excuse.

Sometimes, I think, we make excuses to not be happy. We make excuses to not be with someone. We makes excuses to stay exactly where we are… even if it makes us miserable.

I was watching this movie the other day (Beauty and the Briefcase) and the long and short of it is this: she kept a list of all the characteristics she was looking for in her “Magic Man” and eventually fell in love with someone who scored a 0 out of 10. At this point, you might be asking yourself why I even bothered to introduce this bit of information. Wait, I’m getting to that.

Very recently, I realized that I have been holding on to the idea of being with this guy because I REALLY wanted him to be my boyfriend. So there was that hope that one day, he will be more concerned about me (because he’s not)… That one day, he will look for me (because he doesn’t)… That one day, he will offer to bring me home (to my house, because he hasn’t). I had boxed myself in. And my box wasn’t a checklist of what I wanted in a guy… My box WAS a guy!

Find me. Bring me home.

I’ll tell you a truth that I’ve never told anyone before… I wanted to fall in love with him in the worst possible way. But I couldn’t. Because I couldn’t find reasons to (cue Breathe’s “How Can I Fall”).

No matter how old I get, the romantic in me never really fades away. It’s still the little things that count for so much.

…Like holding hands
…Like good conversation
…Like comfortable silence
…Like just hanging out
…Like receiving love letters or notes
…Like laughing together
…Like talking about everything and nothing
…Like being brought home after a date
…Like spending time together (sometimes doing nothing)

Time. Someone once said that the greatest gift you can give someone is your time. I SO AGREE. But that is a different story and will be told at a different time.

But for now, I will tell you this: I always say I want it all – the grand passion of a great love. At the end of the day, what makes the passion grand and what makes the love great are all the little things. And it’s the little things that I’ve been missing.

*          *          *

Dear You,

If there are things I want to tell you, it’s these:

Let go.
Let yourself be happy.
Take a chance
Fall in love – REALLY fall in love – again.
Give someone a chance to love you.

Yes, I’m talking about you.

Love Always,
Me

 

 

Ciao Bella!

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