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Motherf*cker

I am a sum of my past.

I told someone that all my exes are a part of me. It’s true. All my exes (and non-exes) are reasons for me being the way that I am today. The girl before the relationship and the girl after are never really the same. All of them changed me in one way or another. Some introduced me to new kinds of music. Some encouraged my personal style of dressing (until it no longer served his purpose, after which I could only dress the way he would allow me to dress). Some were intellectual equals and thus forced me to learn things that were not naturally interesting to me. Some were sports enthusiasts and allowed me to appreciate the whole being-physically-active thing. Some were artists and encouraged creative pursuits. Some were idiots and became sources of never-ending amusement.

Some made me braver. Some made me wiser. Some broke me. All loved me.

Sometimes I think they were all lessons I had to learn (click here and here) – albeit some apparently were harder to learn than others, which somehow explains why I made the same choices over and over and over again. But one… one gave that line that I never thought I would hear.

“You never made me feel like I was good enough.”

– Baby Bear, 2012

I have never been the perfect partner… and I’m very well aware of this. But you cannot blame how you feel about yourself on me. I’m sorry that you felt your parents loved your sister more than you. I’m sorry that you couldn’t hold down a job longer than 5 months. I’m sorry that you never bothered finishing school.

I’m sorry that I bought you everything you wanted in the four years that we were together – so much that I felt you were my son rather than my partner. I’m sorry that I said yes to every single thing that you asked of me. I’m sorry I paid eight hundred bucks for every session you had with the shrink you said you needed. I’m sorry that I introduced you to my family and friends, even if there was no way that I could leave you alone with them.

I’m sorry that you got sick – that I had to bring you to Makati Medical and to UST after a sixteen-hour shift. I’m sorry that you didn’t have the energy to pick me up from the FX terminal one rainy night, knowing I didn’t have an umbrella. I’m sorry I showed up at home dripping wet and had to fo to work the next day.

I’m sorry that I left the industry where we met. I’m sorry that I found a job that I genuinely loved – a job that I was great at. I’m sorry that it took me away for weeks at a time – I’m also sorry that you never bothered calling me when I wasn’t home.

I’m sorry that in the midst of all that, you decided to start something with someone else. You had the gall to tell me that she was just a friend even if you were giving her more of your time while I lived a life that ping-ponged me between home and work so I could pay the bills.

And then one day, you woke me up at 5 o’clock in the morning and told me that we should stop fooling ourselves because “we” were no longer working out. I’m not sorry about that… For that I’m thankful.

But please, don’t tell me I never made you feel like you were enough. I planned my life around you. I tried to give you so much of me until there was nothing left. It was never my job to make you feel like a man. I couldn’t make you something that you’re not.

But that… I’m not sorry about that.

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Filed under This So-Called Life

Kiss the One Who Turns Back Time for You

Fifteen years ago, I found a show that was smart, intriguing and heartbreaking. Fifteen years ago, I found Meredith Gray and all the wondrous people who made up her reality.

Today I finally had time to just be at home… got to stay in bed for majority of the day… watched episode 12 of season 15.

I watched a couple – Garrett and Natasha – finally tell their team of doctors that, after spending the last three months in the hospital and with Natasha’s condition getting steadily worse, that they have decided to take her off her ventilator.

“You all have done everything you can to give me as much time as possible. We may not have gotten that wedding under the stars, but you gave us the rest of our lives together.”

Natasha
Grey’s Anatomy, Season 15, Episode 12

She was dying. She knew it – they both did. But for some reason, they found a way be thankful for the time they got together. In classic Grey’s Anatomy fashion, the doctors found a way to give them their wedding underneath the stars. They gathered in her room, turned off all the lights and used their phones to create starlight.

Meredith: Garrett asked me to read the vows that you wrote before the accident…

“Garrett, the moment I met you I knew I would spend the rest of my life with you. Before you, I never met anyone I could be in the same room with longer than a few hours. I waited my whole life to meet you. I gave up thinking I ever would. Now that I found you, it all makes sense. Everything that was once hard feels easy now that you are in my life. And everything that was once easy is now sublime.”

Natasha’s Wedding Vows as ready by Meredith Grey
Grey’s Anatomy, Season 15, Season 12

They were married.

And then she passed.

And as he kissed her goodbye, with Stand By Me playing softly in the background, my heart broke over and over again.

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Filed under iWatch, This So-Called Life

Freedom

Home, I think, is not a place.

Home, to me, is a moment. A heartbeat. A breath.

It’s the silences in symphonies, the comfortable quiet in conversations. Home is where laughter is real and where smiles are sometimes sad.

Home is where I don’t need to pretend. Where I can shine as brightly as I want without ever worrying that I might outshine something else. Where all the different versions of me blend into one real being – where I can be brilliant and bold and brave and broken all at the same time. Where I can be tired and angry and it would be okay.

And home… home is where I am free.

You are enough.

You will always be enough.

At least for me.

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Filed under This So-Called Life

Sad, Sometimes

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that being unhappy and being sad can be two completely different things.

I am not unhappy with my life… I have a wonderful career that allows me to do what I really want to do. I couldn’t be more blessed with the two boys that I have – they truly were the only reasons why our team was able to do spectacularly well last year. I earn an amount that allows for a comfortable lifestyle. I know I don’t have it easy, but I’m not dying of poverty either. I have friends who have stood by side through thick and thin – there aren’t a lot of them, but the ones who are there… well, I know they’ll always be. I have an interesting family – they’re not perfect, but then again, what family is? I have a husband who loves me. And I am truly and deeply in love.

I am not unhappy.

But I am sad.

Sometimes.

And when I have those moments, I cannot find the words to describe it. So it stays hidden, away from prying eyes and concerned individuals. And often times I can brush it aside and just bounce back. Then there are moments when I just want to curl up somewhere and cry and I have no idea why. I think that’s why I don’t talk to anyone about it – how do I make people understand when even I don’t?

Sometimes it’s a feeling of being disconnected. Moments when I can’t even bring myself to care about what’s happening around me. Seconds when I think, “This is a happy moment, I should be happy.” But I’m not. I know when I’m supposed to be happy, or sad, or angry, or frustrated. I just don’t actually feel that way.

Sometimes it’s a feeling of restlessness… it’s wishing that I could somehow disappear and start a new life in a new place where no one knows who I am. Where I don’t have to be anyone or anything. Where I can just be.

Sometimes it’s a feeling of exhaustion. Not physically… not even mentally… but spiritually. Like I can feel my heart slowly turning to stone or my soul withering away little by little. Or there are days that I want to stay in bed the whole day and just… breathe. Not rest. Not think. Not feel. Just… breathe.

I haven’t been in this place for a while. I didn’t go through it last year – or maybe I was so busy that I didn’t let myself entertain the possibility of being in that spiral. But now there’s a bit of time… a slight lull in my days. Or maybe the sadness has been there for too long and now refuses to be ignored.

Someone’s told me he’ll always be there… that I can talk to him about anything and everything. Someone’s asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I’ve always said no… because I don’t know how to talk about it. I don’t know what to say asides from “I have no fucking idea why I feel this way… but I do.” I’ve always said no… that it’ll pass and I’ll be alright. And I’m never not telling the truth when I say that. It will pass and I will be fine. I know that. I just need to figure out how to last until then.

So, no, I’m not unhappy.

I’m just sad. Sometimes.

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Filed under Secret Life of Bees

Impasse

But what if they can’t?

It’s horrid, sometimes, when you’re acutely aware of your place.

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Filed under Secret Life of Bees

I Like Me Better When I’m With You

Because being with you is like coming home.

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Filed under This So-Called Life

The Life Not Chosen

So I haven’t written in a while. Life happened… and maybe I’m falling back in the cycle of letting another 24-hours pass without me putting words on paper. And that’s one cycle that I really don’t want to get back into.

I’ve been reading Sarah Ban Breathnach’s Daybook on Simple Abundance. I’ve had the book for years – never bothered reading it. When I think about it, reading Something More (the first book that introduced me to her) was an outcome of a required reading during my senior year in uni than any genuine interest in it. Little was I to know that it would be a book that would forever change my life.

I got pregnant the same year I completed uni. He wasn’t ready for it – but then again, neither was I. I was 22, with no one friends other than those that he “approved” of, and completely had my world revolving around him. I was too afraid to decide, so I allowed him to decide for me.

And that was possibly the one, single regret that I have until now.

I saw my son for several minutes before I had to let him go. They buried my son… and, almost sixteen year later, I still have no idea where he is. And there is no year that goes by that I do not wonder – not just about where he was laid to rest, but also about what would have happened had I chosen differently… had I chosen at all.

One night, weeks after that happened, I woke up crying. My heart was breaking and my soul was fading and I couldn’t find the words to tell anyone. Then he looked at me, completely bewildered, and said he couldn’t understand why I was crying. I think that was when my heart broke so completely, that there was no hope of it ever being put back to the way it was. That night gave birth to Eris, the Mistress of Discord. And that night… that night I died.

It’s only now that I have realized that I had given him his freedom – that he saw my loss as another chance to live his life as if nothing had happened. But something had… and it had changed me.

I have never been the same since then.

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Filed under Secret Life of Bees