I am a sum of my past.
I told someone that all my exes are a part of me. It’s true. All my exes (and non-exes) are reasons for me being the way that I am today. The girl before the relationship and the girl after are never really the same. All of them changed me in one way or another. Some introduced me to new kinds of music. Some encouraged my personal style of dressing (until it no longer served his purpose, after which I could only dress the way he would allow me to dress). Some were intellectual equals and thus forced me to learn things that were not naturally interesting to me. Some were sports enthusiasts and allowed me to appreciate the whole being-physically-active thing. Some were artists and encouraged creative pursuits. Some were idiots and became sources of never-ending amusement.
Some made me braver. Some made me wiser. Some broke me. All loved me.
Sometimes I think they were all lessons I had to learn (click here and here) – albeit some apparently were harder to learn than others, which somehow explains why I made the same choices over and over and over again. But one… one gave that line that I never thought I would hear.
“You never made me feel like I was good enough.”– Baby Bear, 2012
I have never been the perfect partner… and I’m very well aware of this. But you cannot blame how you feel about yourself on me. I’m sorry that you felt your parents loved your sister more than you. I’m sorry that you couldn’t hold down a job longer than 5 months. I’m sorry that you never bothered finishing school.
I’m sorry that I bought you everything you wanted in the four years that we were together – so much that I felt you were my son rather than my partner. I’m sorry that I said yes to every single thing that you asked of me. I’m sorry I paid eight hundred bucks for every session you had with the shrink you said you needed. I’m sorry that I introduced you to my family and friends, even if there was no way that I could leave you alone with them.
I’m sorry that you got sick – that I had to bring you to Makati Medical and to UST after a sixteen-hour shift. I’m sorry that you didn’t have the energy to pick me up from the FX terminal one rainy night, knowing I didn’t have an umbrella. I’m sorry I showed up at home dripping wet and had to fo to work the next day.
I’m sorry that I left the industry where we met. I’m sorry that I found a job that I genuinely loved – a job that I was great at. I’m sorry that it took me away for weeks at a time – I’m also sorry that you never bothered calling me when I wasn’t home.
I’m sorry that in the midst of all that, you decided to start something with someone else. You had the gall to tell me that she was just a friend even if you were giving her more of your time while I lived a life that ping-ponged me between home and work so I could pay the bills.
And then one day, you woke me up at 5 o’clock in the morning and told me that we should stop fooling ourselves because “we” were no longer working out. I’m not sorry about that… For that I’m thankful.
But please, don’t tell me I never made you feel like you were enough. I planned my life around you. I tried to give you so much of me until there was nothing left. It was never my job to make you feel like a man. I couldn’t make you something that you’re not.
But that… I’m not sorry about that.