Tag Archives: Loneliness

12.13: As Sharp as Broken Glass

There are days like today when I lose my mind a little and start checking things that I shouldn’t be checking out anymore. For those of you who think this is another shout out to the recipient of this post, you’re sorely mistaken. There will be no names (Yes, I did that before. Yes, I have gotten over it. No, I do not regret doing that.) but I have no doubt you’ll know if it’s for you.

I think I think this is an entry that has been a long time coming. Maybe it’s something that I probably should have written several months ago, but didn’t. But what does it matter? I’m finally writing it.

*          *          *

Dear You,

I miss you. I miss us. I miss the time when I would see you at least once every week – when we had become fixtures in that Indian restaurant conveniently situated near our respective offices. I miss bringing you to your building before taking the cab home. I miss you telling the cab driver to make sure he took good care of me.

I miss how you always used to be there… How you made me feel like you would love me no matter what happened. I miss the times when it was so clear that you and I were always going to be in each other’s lives. We both made bad choices and many, many mistakes and I guess I always thought our friendship was stronger than that.

Was I wrong?

Sometimes I still wonder about what really happened. Sometimes I wish I knew the reason why you suddenly went away. Sometimes I wish I didn’t care… Then maybe I wouldn’t wonder so much.

No, I don’t understand and there are so many moments when I wish I did. You were there when I was broken and trying to find my way back and it’s just the saddest thing that now that I’m so incredibly happy, you are the one person I cannot share it with.

I will always wonder about you, I think. No matter what has come to pass, you will always be part of my story. I will always be grateful to you.

I wish you every happiness. And I will always wish you peace.

In Memoriam,
Me

*          *          *

 

 

Blessed Be…

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64 in ’12: A Kiss in the Rain

It was this line that first caught my attention.

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”
– Charlie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I recently finished the book and found myself profoundly moved as I read the last sentence. As I’ve told several friends, it was a book that had such an old voice being spoken by someone so young. It was almost too easy to forget that Charlie was only fifteen.

A friend of mine asked who I was among the characters in the book. Without a moment’s hesitation I immediately answered, “Charlie”. She laughed (as much as one could laugh over chat) and said, “You are so NOT a wallflower.”

Truth be told, she was right. I wasn’t the kind of wallflower Charlie was – the one who never got noticed. But so much of what he wrote resonated with how I felt (then, now, and probably always). I am a wallflower in the sense that I listen more than I talk. It’s been a running joke between me and some friends that my talent was to get people to spill their guts. It’s not such an extraordinary thing, really. It’s just that when I talk to people, when I ask them questions, the conversation stops being about me and starts being about them.

At the end of the day, I think we all want the same thing: to be heard.

It doesn’t matter if we tell our stories through poetry or prose, through colored canvasses or photographs, through melodies or movement. We are all story-weavers. And there is nothing we want more than others’ eyes to see us, ears to hears us, and hearts to understand us.

And yet I have learned is that those are the hardest things to find. Not all eyes are attuned to see what I see. Not all ears are ready to hear what I say. Not all hearts are open to understand how inexplicably different I am. Sometimes, it is a very, very lonely life.

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”
– Charlie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

In the midst of loneliness, however, I think I will always need to hold on to the belief that there is something better out there. That, in some far off place, there is another who holds on to that belief as hard as I do. I will always need to believe that one day, even to just one person, I will be enough. I also believe that one day, there will be that one person who will be enough for me.

“If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too.”
– Sam, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Promise

I’m worth it too, you know.

 

 

Ciao Bella!

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61 in ’12: Dancing In The Rain

One book that I’ve always wanted to finish was Richard Templar‘s Rules of Life. Unfortunately, I lost my copy and I have spent the last year searching for another one. In vain.

But if there’s a will, there’s a way. I might now have found the book I was looking for, but I found several blogs (each of which are acknowledge at the appropriate segment) that shares several things to live by. Here is a list made up of several lessons from several sites. One day, I hope to add my own.

*          *          *

From Regina Brett
1. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
2. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
3. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
4. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
5. The most important sex organ is the brain.
6. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
7. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
8. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
9. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

From Nancy Sathre-Vogel
1. There is nothing to hold you back except you.
2. The only mistake that can truly hurt you is choosing to do nothing simply because you’re too scared to make a mistake.
3. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.
4. Do what you love, not what you think you’re supposed to do.
5. Forgiving yourself is far more important than getting others to forgive you.
6. For the most part, it doesn’t matter what people think. Follow your own truth.
7. You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have.
8. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
9. Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.
10. When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.
11. It’s not about getting a chance, it’s about taking a chance.

From Marc and Angel Hack Life
1. Most of the time what you are looking for is right in front of you.
2. People deserve a second chance, but not a third.
3. Marry your best friend.
4. If you never act, you will never know for sure.

From Paid to Exist (Part Un)
1. Often those who aren’t the easiest to love are the ones who need it the most.
2. Money is not the root of all evil, fear is.
3. Every man has a right to choose his own destiny.
4. Be grateful for this moment, it is all there is.

From Paid to Exist (Part Deux)
1. Creatively expressing yourself is like making love to the universe.
2. The greatest gift you can give someone is your time.
3. Everyone is an divine artist, writing their own story each day, choose to write your story with love.

From Me 🙂
1. If you’re waiting for life to be easy or fair, you will be waiting for a really, really long time.
2. If you refuse to accept anything but the best, then that is what life will give you.
3. If you want to be with someone, then BE with that someone. No excuses.
4. Love me first. Love me second. Love me third. Because that is the only way I know how to love you.
5. You are worth it.

*          *          *

Options multiply, PhoenixFire, when insistence lessens.

And when the time is right, I’ll help you choose.

Be fruitful,
The Universe

 

 

Ciao Bella!

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51 in ’12: Lost

Everybody hurts, sometimes. Well, guess who’s hurting now?

Half-Life

*          *          *

When your day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you’re sure you’ve had enough
Of this life, well hang on

Don’t let yourself go
‘Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it’s time to sing along
When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (Hold on)
If you think you’ve had too much
Of this life, well hang on

Everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don’t throw your hand, oh no

Don’t throw your hand
If you feel like you’re alone
No, no, no, you are not alone

If you’re on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
Everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes

So hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts

Everybody Hurts,
REM



Blessed Be…

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46 in ’12: At First Sight

I saw this post of Facebook and it was just too good to pass up…

Beautiful. Funny. Broken.

Beautiful? Yes.
Funny? Maybe.
Broken? Definitely.

As they say, we see what we look for.

‘Tis Sunday once again… My day of perpetual loneliness and sorrow.


Escaping In: Shakespeare in Love



Ciao Bella!

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39 in’12: Lovelorn

I think you already feel it, Phoenixfire, but a really HUGE wave of LOVE is coming your way.

Once-in-a-lifetime HUGE.

Hang ten,
The Universe

*          *          *

Dear Universe,

Uh… No.

Waiting in Vain,
Phoenixfire



Ciao, Bella!

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37 in ’12: Damned

I have a theory.

I don’t think I feel things the way other people do. Some people don’t feel (or there’s a bigger tendency to listen to their heads). Most people feel with their hearts. I am different.

I feel with my soul.

So every feeling is amplified – I am either in a state of bliss or my anger knows no bounds. I am either extremely in love with my life or helpless in my hopelessness. I can literally love and hate at the same time.

I feel with my soul. I have no middle ground.

There truly is no one like me.

*          *          *

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
‘Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa…

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake It Off
Florence + The Machine

***

Truth

Speaking of being helpless in my hopelessness, this has been the dark little hole where I have been burying myself this past week. Too many triggers, I think, in too short a time.

I found too much of myself in Hannah Baker’s words. I heard myself a little to clearly. That was what started it all.

With my cousin’s passing, it felt like I was grieving not just for him, but for every single person that I’ve lost. Did you know that I never cried when my father died? I didn’t cry when my aunt passed. No tear fell when Alexis took his last breath. During those moments, it often felt like I was looking at what was happening instead of being part of it.

I felt my heart break, that much is true. My heart has been breaking since the day before I turned six… and it’s been breaking, bit by bit, every since. My spirit has splintered into a million different pieces. Some shards I’ve found and pieced back together. Some, I think, are lost to me forever.

I lose a bit of myself every time Death pays a visit. I died a little when my father did. I died a little bit more when my aunt did. But it was the loss of Alexis that left me broken. It’s been nine years. I’m still broken.

Sometimes I think the broken pieces feel different things at different times. That would explain the contradictions, the ability to swing from one extreme to the other.

Being broken made me strong. It taught me to compartmentalize and hold back the tears until there’s no one there to witness it. Being broken also made me brave. When you’ve lived a life like mine, you stop being afraid of so many things – you stop being afraid of being hurt, of your heart being broken, of people leaving, of being alone. I can hate with all of my heart and love with all of my soul. I can hold on to something for the rest of my life and I can walk out yours in a blink of an eye and never look back. Being broken allowed me to be my own best friend – that one person who understands when no one else does.

But there are days when I feel the burden of being broken weighing down on my shoulders.

I am strong and brave. I am also very, very tired.  Someone help me.



Blessed Be…

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