Tag Archives: Secrets

22.13: A History Lesson

They say that life is made up of a series of lessons.  I have to agree.

When I look back at my life, I know that there were some lessons that I had to learn – which I did and I was (finally) able to move on.  Some lessons, however, are harder to figure out.  Whether this is because it’s a personality disorder on my part, a stubbornness that I cannot seem to get out of my system or simply a masochistic tendency, I do not know.

Sometimes I wonder if any of us will ever be at peace with the fact that those we love and love us loved someone else before us. I once asked someone if he regretted being with his ex (and he was with her for 4 years and it ended horribly) and he said yes.  And I had the gall to say, “Don’t.  You shouldn’t.”

Little did I know that there would come a time when him regretting it or not was not point.  The point was that I did.

True, she never did anything to me – I don’t even know her from Adam – and yet I loathe her existence. I loathe her for everything she did to him.  I abhor her for how she broke him. Most of all (and most illogically), I hate her for the simple fact that, once upon a time, he loved her.

Never mind the fact that he doesn’t love her now.  Never mind the fact that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  It’s that once upon a time he loved her… That once upon a time he wanted to spend his life with her.

Sometimes I wonder why I can’t leave the past well enough alone (and I have to applaud the amount of effort that I put into this, as it sometimes involves reading goddamn posts from (social network undisclosed) written a million years ago, going through horrendously long friends lists and about a bazillion photo albums containing some really badly taken – and not to mention embarrassing-if-that-were-me-I’d-rather-die-than-post-that – pictures).  I know it’s me and my perverse need to know everything… Even if I know that I’ll pay for it every single time.

This is not doubt.  Never think that it is.  I know that this is it for me.  I will never love – nor would I want to – anyone else.  I also know, however, that this is intrinsically and inexplicably wrong (the masochistic part, not the loving part).  I have come to the conclusion that it is easier for us to speak about our past because for us it is over.  But there is always that other person to think about.  The one who always hurts a little when they remember that they know what they know.  It’s not that I don’t understand that there was a past.  Sometimes I think I just wish I could erase it.

But I can’t.  I know what I know.  Against all logic, I went through what I did.  I did this.  This is my bed and now I have to lie in it.  There is absolutely no one to blame but me.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that this some baggage that I carry with me all the time.  It’s not.  But again, I know what I know.  This is me grieving. This is me trying to learn how to let go.  This is me trying to learn that one goddamn lesson that I cannot seem to learn.

I’ve always said that the worst kinds of hell are those that we make for ourselves.  And yet with that nugget of wisdom firmly lodged in my cranium, I really have to wonder, “Why on earth do I keep fucking doing it?”

And in times like these, the only sarcastic quip I can come up with to comfort myself is, “See the light at the end of the tunnel?  That’s a train heading straight for you.”

I told you I was a little crazy.

*smirk*

 

 

Dark & Twisted…

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17.13: This One’s for You

A Life Story.

My Life in Verse

To the one who said she would always defend…
To the one who said we’d always be friends…
To the one who I will always regret…
To the one who will never, ever forget…

To the one who still cannot forgive…
To the one who said she would never leave…
To the one who broke my mending heart…
To the ones who took and would then depart…

To the one who was able to begin anew…
To the one who remains a friend so true…
To the one who finally came back home…
To the one who always called me his own…

To the one who taught me how to fall…
To the one who taught me to stand so tall…
To the one who taught me how to see…
To the one who said they should love me for me…

To the ones who hurt, who burned, and lied…
To the ones who thought I would be silent and cry…
To the ones who are only brave when amidst a throng…
To the ones I proved to have been wrong…

To the one who hurt me without meaning to…
To the one who spoke without being spoken to…
To the one who filled my heart with bliss…
To the one who will be my one last kiss…

To the only one I would have said,
“With this ring, I thee wed”…
To the one who loved me at first sight…
To the one I will love until last light…

To the one I come home to in the dark of night…
To the one I wake up to in the morning light…
To the one whose life mine is entwined to…
To the one I love… This one’s for you.

 

 

Blessed Be…

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16.13: Moons in the Dark of Night

Okay, so I found this on (social network undisclosed) so it isn’t really mine. But it’s about the music in my life, so I couldn’t really resist 🙂

*          *          *

Lyrics to the Song of My Life.

INSTRUCTIONS: Think of 20 songs that had such a profound effect on you that they changed your life or the way you looked at it. They sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the songs you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the songs that no matter what they were thought of musically shaped your world.

And here we go…

1.) Unwritten, Natasha Bedingfield
2.) Give Me Love, Ed Sheeran
3.) Because You Loved Me, Celine Dion
4.) One Sweet Day, Boyz II Men & Mariah Carey
5.) My Love is Your Love, Whitney Houston
6.) The First Cut is the Deepest, Sheryll Crow
7.) Strong Enough, Sheryll Crow
8.) Tatoo, Jordin Sparks
9.) Till They Take My Heart Away, Clair Marlo
10.) True Colors, Cindi Lauper
11.) When We Dance, Sting
12.) So Close, Jon McLaughlin
13.) Feels Like Home, Chantal Kreviazuk
14.) Out of My League, Stephen Speaks
15.) I Don’t Wanna Wait, Paula Cole
16.) The Man Who Can’t Be Moved, The Script
17.) Love Moves (In Mysterious Ways), Julia Fordham
18.) Better Days, Dianne Reeves
19.) Get Here, Oletta Adams
20.) A Thousand Years, Christina Perri & Steve Kazee

*          *          *

Why these?

It’s a secret I’ll never tell.

XOXO

*smirk*

 

 

Dark & Twisted…

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04.13: Parang Paper Cut Lang Sa Mata

Whoever said that curiosity killed the cat didn’t know half of it. They forgot to mention the sheer and utter torture that comes with opening accounts you weren’t supposed to look up in the first place… That and the realization that sometimes it’s not your past that stabs you in the heart – it’s someone else’s.

My fault.  My bad.  I don’t know why I do these things.  Seriously.

 

 

Dark & Twisted…

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72 in ’12: After All

As that Sound of Music song goes, “Let’s start from the very beginning… A very good place to start…”

How I wish I knew when it began. Then maybe I would be in a better place to understand everything now. I have known you for quite a while and I never even entertained the thought of seeing you as more than a friend. That is unusual for me.

You have always been there… you were the one I told all my stories to… you were the one I would bother when there was nothing to do… you were the one who appeared for not real reason, greeted me good morning and asked me what was up… you were the one who was always there. Yet you were the one who I never saw.

Until now. Now you’re all I see.

I guess, in a way, I have Batman to thank for this. And before that, Old Man. And before that, D. And before that, the Abstract Artist. And before the Abstract Artist, I guess I have to thank He-Who-Broke-My-Heart. Since the beginning is a very good place to start, I really have to say this – when I really look at it, the beginning started with the end.

One Hope

He broke my heart. He broke it so badly that there were days when I thought I would never get over it. It took me to a place that made me think I was meant to be alone. After all, how could a four-year relationship end in less than 5 minutes at 5:30, one April morning?

I remember when we broke up more than 2 years ago. Why we broke up isn’t important. What is important is the fact that back then, he wasn’t ready to let go. So he fought for me – no matter how many times I told him that I needed time and I needed space. When we ended things this year, a part of me couldn’t help but feel cheated – because this time, it was over for him. This time, he was the one who wanted to let go. This time, he was ready. So he just… left.

Why was it so easy for him to leave? Why was it so easy for him to fall in love with someone else? Why was it so easy for him to move on? Why was it so easy for him to forget what we had? Why was it so easy for him?

How come it had to be so hard for me?

Admittedly, the version of me who reacted to the whole thing was not the best, to put it mildly. I tried to move on, and, like most things, the intention was good, but the execution left a lot to be desired. I ended up feeling more hurt and more used than I’ve ever been before and now that that particular phase has passed, I can honestly say that it was no one else’s fault but mine. I want to point fingers and say that the Abstract Artist was an adulterer and that D was a cheating, indecisive prick. I want to point fingers and say that Old Man had no balls and that Batman was a dick. But at the end of the day, matter how many fingers I point at other people, at least one finger would always point back at me. It was my decision to be with them.

Joy was right. I had lessons to learn with each and every one of them.

With the Abstract Artist and with D, I learned that no amount of it “feeling right” would change the fact that taking something that was already someone else’s was wrong. I did not learn with the Abstract Artist, so I made the same mistake with D. And I probably would have made the same mistake again had not learned that I deserved to be someone’s choice, and not just an option. With them, I learned that I was worth it.

With Old Man and Batman, I learned that past behavior will predict future behavior. If he was a coward with so many other girls, he would still be a coward with me. If he just wanted sex 8 years ago, chances are, sex was all he wanted now too. I did not not learn with Old Man, so I made same mistake with Batman. I thought they would be different now, but they weren’t. With them I learned that people will not change for me.

With He-Who-Broke-My-Heart, I learned that we can only change for ourselves. But more that, I learned that when we do change, we should change for the right reasons.

One Truth

And now I have come full circle. Now I come back to you.

You were everything I said I didn’t want. I have always been one for labels, but I cannot seem to have one for you. There are a lot of things I want to say to you, but I think I’ll save it for another day. You are a different story and I will tell it at another time.

We are very different, you and I… And yet sometimes, it seems like the lessons we have to learn are the same. Maybe these are some of them…

…That we have to live in the present, which means we have to let go of the past.
…That we are better for having once been broken.
…That we have to stop running after the wrong things in order for the right ones to catch us.
…That we have to give people the chance to love us.
…And, at the end of it all, we have to realize that maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t have to be so hard after all.

Maybe.

One Secret

*          *          *

Turning up the love, PhoenixFire.

Turns on everything else.

Love up,
The Universe

*          *          *

Dear Universe,

It’s like up to the max ❤

On The Edge,
PhoenixFire

 

 

Blessed Be…

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67 in ’12: I’m Holding Every Breath for You

“Life offers you a thousand chances… all you have to do is take one.”
Frances Mayes, Under the Tuscan Sun

This is easier said than done… Especially for those of us who have been hurt, who have hoped, who have waited in vain… Those who have hurt others, who have been denied, who hold on to regret. It’s so hard to move on.

Why do we keep holding on? Because it’s better to be alone than to be open to the possibility of hurting? Has the pain become addicting? Are we forever caught in that vicious cycle of longing for something that can never be ours? After all, as long as what we want is out of reach, it never really has the power to make us bleed.

This is my answer: I hold on because holding on is “safe”. When we are perpetually running after someone or waiting for something, we never have to do anything different. Actually, we stay where it is safe because it gives us an excuse to never really do anything. Period.

But at the end of the day, that’s what it is – an excuse.

Sometimes, I think, we make excuses to not be happy. We make excuses to not be with someone. We makes excuses to stay exactly where we are… even if it makes us miserable.

I was watching this movie the other day (Beauty and the Briefcase) and the long and short of it is this: she kept a list of all the characteristics she was looking for in her “Magic Man” and eventually fell in love with someone who scored a 0 out of 10. At this point, you might be asking yourself why I even bothered to introduce this bit of information. Wait, I’m getting to that.

Very recently, I realized that I have been holding on to the idea of being with this guy because I REALLY wanted him to be my boyfriend. So there was that hope that one day, he will be more concerned about me (because he’s not)… That one day, he will look for me (because he doesn’t)… That one day, he will offer to bring me home (to my house, because he hasn’t). I had boxed myself in. And my box wasn’t a checklist of what I wanted in a guy… My box WAS a guy!

Find me. Bring me home.

I’ll tell you a truth that I’ve never told anyone before… I wanted to fall in love with him in the worst possible way. But I couldn’t. Because I couldn’t find reasons to (cue Breathe’s “How Can I Fall”).

No matter how old I get, the romantic in me never really fades away. It’s still the little things that count for so much.

…Like holding hands
…Like good conversation
…Like comfortable silence
…Like just hanging out
…Like receiving love letters or notes
…Like laughing together
…Like talking about everything and nothing
…Like being brought home after a date
…Like spending time together (sometimes doing nothing)

Time. Someone once said that the greatest gift you can give someone is your time. I SO AGREE. But that is a different story and will be told at a different time.

But for now, I will tell you this: I always say I want it all – the grand passion of a great love. At the end of the day, what makes the passion grand and what makes the love great are all the little things. And it’s the little things that I’ve been missing.

*          *          *

Dear You,

If there are things I want to tell you, it’s these:

Let go.
Let yourself be happy.
Take a chance
Fall in love – REALLY fall in love – again.
Give someone a chance to love you.

Yes, I’m talking about you.

Love Always,
Me

 

 

Ciao Bella!

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60 in ’12: The Waiting Game

Well, they always say that every cloud has a silver lining, right?

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I got stranded at home for 4 days. On those very same days, in some not-so-far-off place, someone was stranded at the office. Then (social network undisclosed) happened. And that was how it all began.

If you’re expecting a blow-by-blow of what happened, you’re in for a big disappointment. That isn’t what this entry is all about.

Some things you should know, though, before we get any further:

1. I was nervous. My stomach was in knots at the thought of seeing him again – someone that I haven’t seen or heard from since 2004.
2. I have absolutely no idea if this will go anywhere. Whether or not I will ever see him again is all up in the air at this point.
3. I’m trying this new thing. It’s called waiting.

After that horrid tragedy that was my love life, I went out of my way to prove – to myself, to the world – that I was okay. In the last couple of months, I have gone out with boys, got myself into a lot of screwed up situations, and openly declared my lack of a moral compass. I swung from being indifferent to being restless. I made myself a promise and then I broke it… and in the process I got hurt, which eventually became turned into anger. Of course, right after that, I quickly went into vengeance mode and wreaked havoc upon those who deserved it.

And I did all of that for what? Because I was in too much of a hurry to give the world the finger.

I’ve always been told that patience is a virtue… To which I’ve always answered, “Yes, but it was never MY virtue.” I’ve always been in a hurry – I want what I want and I want it now. I have no patience for stupid people, conversations that don’t go anywhere, or relationships that take forever to figure out. I can’t say that I regret the things I did – I mean, whatever keeps me going, right? But after three and a half months, I got sick of it.

What do I want now anyway? I think #32 puts it into words perfectly. I am a hopeless romantic, forever in search for a great love and a grand passion. I was the brave one who always said, “It’s very black and white for me – if you want to be with me, then BE with me. No excuses.” And yet time and time again, I have found myself running after those I shouldn’t have sought out in the first place.

What good does wanting me so much do, when you can’t even decide to leave a girl you have no intention of marrying? What good does reminiscing 16 years worth of memories when you went off and married someone else? What good does setting ground rules do when you had no intention of following it?

What good does it do – to run after someone who doesn’t want to be with you?

Time to grow up, PhoenixFire. Time to stand for what you really want, even if that means waiting for a little while. You have to know that waiting is so hard for me. I want to do so many things, but I can’t keep selling myself short. But what do I really want?

I don’t want to be anyone’s option because I deserve to be with someone who CHOOSES to be with me. But it doesn’t end there. “I choose you” are brave words. Beautiful to hear and, I have to admit, it makes my heart flutter. But words are just that… Words. If you don’t do anything, it fades into oblivion.

Don’t fade into oblivion. Don’t fade into the night. Do something if you choose me. I won’t run… But I am waiting. For now.

 

 

Blessed Be…

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