Tag Archives: Self-Love

23.19: Dancing Through the Fire

Universal Truth.

I have found the statements “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” and “Loving someone means giving them the right to hurt you” to be incredibly conflicting.

Especially when you happen to believe both to be true.

 

 

Dark & Twisted…

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16.13: Moons in the Dark of Night

Okay, so I found this on (social network undisclosed) so it isn’t really mine. But it’s about the music in my life, so I couldn’t really resist 🙂

*          *          *

Lyrics to the Song of My Life.

INSTRUCTIONS: Think of 20 songs that had such a profound effect on you that they changed your life or the way you looked at it. They sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the songs you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the songs that no matter what they were thought of musically shaped your world.

And here we go…

1.) Unwritten, Natasha Bedingfield
2.) Give Me Love, Ed Sheeran
3.) Because You Loved Me, Celine Dion
4.) One Sweet Day, Boyz II Men & Mariah Carey
5.) My Love is Your Love, Whitney Houston
6.) The First Cut is the Deepest, Sheryll Crow
7.) Strong Enough, Sheryll Crow
8.) Tatoo, Jordin Sparks
9.) Till They Take My Heart Away, Clair Marlo
10.) True Colors, Cindi Lauper
11.) When We Dance, Sting
12.) So Close, Jon McLaughlin
13.) Feels Like Home, Chantal Kreviazuk
14.) Out of My League, Stephen Speaks
15.) I Don’t Wanna Wait, Paula Cole
16.) The Man Who Can’t Be Moved, The Script
17.) Love Moves (In Mysterious Ways), Julia Fordham
18.) Better Days, Dianne Reeves
19.) Get Here, Oletta Adams
20.) A Thousand Years, Christina Perri & Steve Kazee

*          *          *

Why these?

It’s a secret I’ll never tell.

XOXO

*smirk*

 

 

Dark & Twisted…

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72 in ’12: After All

As that Sound of Music song goes, “Let’s start from the very beginning… A very good place to start…”

How I wish I knew when it began. Then maybe I would be in a better place to understand everything now. I have known you for quite a while and I never even entertained the thought of seeing you as more than a friend. That is unusual for me.

You have always been there… you were the one I told all my stories to… you were the one I would bother when there was nothing to do… you were the one who appeared for not real reason, greeted me good morning and asked me what was up… you were the one who was always there. Yet you were the one who I never saw.

Until now. Now you’re all I see.

I guess, in a way, I have Batman to thank for this. And before that, Old Man. And before that, D. And before that, the Abstract Artist. And before the Abstract Artist, I guess I have to thank He-Who-Broke-My-Heart. Since the beginning is a very good place to start, I really have to say this – when I really look at it, the beginning started with the end.

One Hope

He broke my heart. He broke it so badly that there were days when I thought I would never get over it. It took me to a place that made me think I was meant to be alone. After all, how could a four-year relationship end in less than 5 minutes at 5:30, one April morning?

I remember when we broke up more than 2 years ago. Why we broke up isn’t important. What is important is the fact that back then, he wasn’t ready to let go. So he fought for me – no matter how many times I told him that I needed time and I needed space. When we ended things this year, a part of me couldn’t help but feel cheated – because this time, it was over for him. This time, he was the one who wanted to let go. This time, he was ready. So he just… left.

Why was it so easy for him to leave? Why was it so easy for him to fall in love with someone else? Why was it so easy for him to move on? Why was it so easy for him to forget what we had? Why was it so easy for him?

How come it had to be so hard for me?

Admittedly, the version of me who reacted to the whole thing was not the best, to put it mildly. I tried to move on, and, like most things, the intention was good, but the execution left a lot to be desired. I ended up feeling more hurt and more used than I’ve ever been before and now that that particular phase has passed, I can honestly say that it was no one else’s fault but mine. I want to point fingers and say that the Abstract Artist was an adulterer and that D was a cheating, indecisive prick. I want to point fingers and say that Old Man had no balls and that Batman was a dick. But at the end of the day, matter how many fingers I point at other people, at least one finger would always point back at me. It was my decision to be with them.

Joy was right. I had lessons to learn with each and every one of them.

With the Abstract Artist and with D, I learned that no amount of it “feeling right” would change the fact that taking something that was already someone else’s was wrong. I did not learn with the Abstract Artist, so I made the same mistake with D. And I probably would have made the same mistake again had not learned that I deserved to be someone’s choice, and not just an option. With them, I learned that I was worth it.

With Old Man and Batman, I learned that past behavior will predict future behavior. If he was a coward with so many other girls, he would still be a coward with me. If he just wanted sex 8 years ago, chances are, sex was all he wanted now too. I did not not learn with Old Man, so I made same mistake with Batman. I thought they would be different now, but they weren’t. With them I learned that people will not change for me.

With He-Who-Broke-My-Heart, I learned that we can only change for ourselves. But more that, I learned that when we do change, we should change for the right reasons.

One Truth

And now I have come full circle. Now I come back to you.

You were everything I said I didn’t want. I have always been one for labels, but I cannot seem to have one for you. There are a lot of things I want to say to you, but I think I’ll save it for another day. You are a different story and I will tell it at another time.

We are very different, you and I… And yet sometimes, it seems like the lessons we have to learn are the same. Maybe these are some of them…

…That we have to live in the present, which means we have to let go of the past.
…That we are better for having once been broken.
…That we have to stop running after the wrong things in order for the right ones to catch us.
…That we have to give people the chance to love us.
…And, at the end of it all, we have to realize that maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t have to be so hard after all.

Maybe.

One Secret

*          *          *

Turning up the love, PhoenixFire.

Turns on everything else.

Love up,
The Universe

*          *          *

Dear Universe,

It’s like up to the max ❤

On The Edge,
PhoenixFire

 

 

Blessed Be…

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64 in ’12: A Kiss in the Rain

It was this line that first caught my attention.

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”
– Charlie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I recently finished the book and found myself profoundly moved as I read the last sentence. As I’ve told several friends, it was a book that had such an old voice being spoken by someone so young. It was almost too easy to forget that Charlie was only fifteen.

A friend of mine asked who I was among the characters in the book. Without a moment’s hesitation I immediately answered, “Charlie”. She laughed (as much as one could laugh over chat) and said, “You are so NOT a wallflower.”

Truth be told, she was right. I wasn’t the kind of wallflower Charlie was – the one who never got noticed. But so much of what he wrote resonated with how I felt (then, now, and probably always). I am a wallflower in the sense that I listen more than I talk. It’s been a running joke between me and some friends that my talent was to get people to spill their guts. It’s not such an extraordinary thing, really. It’s just that when I talk to people, when I ask them questions, the conversation stops being about me and starts being about them.

At the end of the day, I think we all want the same thing: to be heard.

It doesn’t matter if we tell our stories through poetry or prose, through colored canvasses or photographs, through melodies or movement. We are all story-weavers. And there is nothing we want more than others’ eyes to see us, ears to hears us, and hearts to understand us.

And yet I have learned is that those are the hardest things to find. Not all eyes are attuned to see what I see. Not all ears are ready to hear what I say. Not all hearts are open to understand how inexplicably different I am. Sometimes, it is a very, very lonely life.

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”
– Charlie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

In the midst of loneliness, however, I think I will always need to hold on to the belief that there is something better out there. That, in some far off place, there is another who holds on to that belief as hard as I do. I will always need to believe that one day, even to just one person, I will be enough. I also believe that one day, there will be that one person who will be enough for me.

“If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too.”
– Sam, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Promise

I’m worth it too, you know.

 

 

Ciao Bella!

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60 in ’12: The Waiting Game

Well, they always say that every cloud has a silver lining, right?

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I got stranded at home for 4 days. On those very same days, in some not-so-far-off place, someone was stranded at the office. Then (social network undisclosed) happened. And that was how it all began.

If you’re expecting a blow-by-blow of what happened, you’re in for a big disappointment. That isn’t what this entry is all about.

Some things you should know, though, before we get any further:

1. I was nervous. My stomach was in knots at the thought of seeing him again – someone that I haven’t seen or heard from since 2004.
2. I have absolutely no idea if this will go anywhere. Whether or not I will ever see him again is all up in the air at this point.
3. I’m trying this new thing. It’s called waiting.

After that horrid tragedy that was my love life, I went out of my way to prove – to myself, to the world – that I was okay. In the last couple of months, I have gone out with boys, got myself into a lot of screwed up situations, and openly declared my lack of a moral compass. I swung from being indifferent to being restless. I made myself a promise and then I broke it… and in the process I got hurt, which eventually became turned into anger. Of course, right after that, I quickly went into vengeance mode and wreaked havoc upon those who deserved it.

And I did all of that for what? Because I was in too much of a hurry to give the world the finger.

I’ve always been told that patience is a virtue… To which I’ve always answered, “Yes, but it was never MY virtue.” I’ve always been in a hurry – I want what I want and I want it now. I have no patience for stupid people, conversations that don’t go anywhere, or relationships that take forever to figure out. I can’t say that I regret the things I did – I mean, whatever keeps me going, right? But after three and a half months, I got sick of it.

What do I want now anyway? I think #32 puts it into words perfectly. I am a hopeless romantic, forever in search for a great love and a grand passion. I was the brave one who always said, “It’s very black and white for me – if you want to be with me, then BE with me. No excuses.” And yet time and time again, I have found myself running after those I shouldn’t have sought out in the first place.

What good does wanting me so much do, when you can’t even decide to leave a girl you have no intention of marrying? What good does reminiscing 16 years worth of memories when you went off and married someone else? What good does setting ground rules do when you had no intention of following it?

What good does it do – to run after someone who doesn’t want to be with you?

Time to grow up, PhoenixFire. Time to stand for what you really want, even if that means waiting for a little while. You have to know that waiting is so hard for me. I want to do so many things, but I can’t keep selling myself short. But what do I really want?

I don’t want to be anyone’s option because I deserve to be with someone who CHOOSES to be with me. But it doesn’t end there. “I choose you” are brave words. Beautiful to hear and, I have to admit, it makes my heart flutter. But words are just that… Words. If you don’t do anything, it fades into oblivion.

Don’t fade into oblivion. Don’t fade into the night. Do something if you choose me. I won’t run… But I am waiting. For now.

 

 

Blessed Be…

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30 in ’12: Chatter

I talk about self-love a lot, but for the longest time, I’ve never really practiced it. Sometimes it seems like I have not given enough love. Sometimes it seems like I gave too much of my love for free. Tonight I read another blog entry that talked exactly about this. The bottom line of what Alexys Fairfield was trying to say is this: We have to love ourselves before we can love anyone else.

The last time I wrote an entry, it was about this – Self-love… Self-worth. And what I wrote was wonderful and bold and honest. It was an ideal situation in a perfect world. I recently realized that it was easy to make claims like that when you’re tying to be impressive and bigger than life. It’s a whole lot different when standing up for yourself means you might lose something you thought you had always wanted.

I recently went out with “D”. He and I have had a relatively interesting history. In 2004, he was interested and I was with Someone. In 2007, he found out that Someone and I were no longer together and attempted to pick me up from the office (at 2:00 am). Unfortunately, by the time he found out that Someone and I were no longer together, I was already with Someone Else.

2012… Someone Else and I ended our 4-year relationship and, upon finding out, D and I finally went out. It is endlessly flattering when you know there’s someone who’s been waiting to go out with you for eight years. Unfortunately, time was never on our side. After eight years, I was finally free. This time, however, D wasn’t.

Despite the promise that he would find time to be with me, he didn’t. The thing is, things like that are so simple for me – if you want to be with me, then BE with me. No reasons, no excuses.

Very recently (and nearly a month after we first met up), D asked me out again. At this point, I have to remind you that I have been waiting for eight years to go out with this guy. But in the four weeks that he couldn’t make time for me, I discovered something – some people call it Self-Worth. I call it Self-Love.

Me: You want me to be honest?
D: Ok
Me: It feels like you want me, but not be with me… And I don’t want that, D.
D: I understand.
D: I really enjoy being with you, the conversation, the company
Me: Dude, super personal question, okay lang?
D: Sure.
Me: Are you in love with your girlfriend?
D: Yes. But with you I don’t know. It changes.
Me: What do you mean by that?
D: Like there are a lot we connect on
D: I love our conversation
D: We can go for hours of talking like time stood still
D: Di hindi man lang nag matter yung time that we didn’t see each other
D: It feels good…
Me: Okaaaaaaay…
Me: And how are things with your girlfriend these days?
D: Okay naman
D: Parang sarcastic yung okay mo ha 🙂
Me: Haha… Hindi sarcastic yun noh
Me: What do you want to happen ba, D?
D: Haha… eh ano yun?
D: I don’t know.
Me: Mahabang “okay”… I sound like that naman when I talk, diba? Lol!
Me: Mahirap yang I don’t know eh.
D: Don’t mind me. I’m just being a little boy again
D: Wanting everything
D: I guess we can just be friends
D: It’s unfair sayo that I don’t know what I want
Me: Haha… I completely understand that noh… Someone asked me before what I wanted and I said everything.
Me: But I think I’m coming from a slightly different perspective
D: I just don’t want you to go away and be gone in my life forever
Me: You know that you can talk to me about anything at any time, right?
D: Yah
D: That’s what I like about us
Me: That doesn’t have to stop… We did say we would be friends, right?
D: Yah
Me: You know why I said I wanted everything?
D: Y?
Me: Because I’m worth it, D. And even if it took me 31 years, I finally figured it out.

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24 in ’12: Artist

I don’t get a lot of nights like this, so I am extremely grateful for tonight. It’s not very often that I find myself able to sit out in the balcony after midnight, stare out into the distance and drown myself in my thoughts.

The streets are empty tonight. I can see the driveway that leads to the compound – this little piece of carefully constructed land that often makes me forget I am in Manila. The lights along the sidewalk cast a soft glow on our cobbled streets. It’s just enough to save someone from losing their step. The same glow casts shadows on the walls, creating beautiful shapes and elegant lines – dark against light.  Masterpieces in their own right.

In the distance I can see lights from street lamps and windows. Further still, barely visible to my weak eyesight are what I think are city lights. It dances, those city lights. It’s like watching soft waves of color ripple across the nearly ebony sky.

Tonight, I am both happy and sad. I am contented and restless. I am at home and yearning to be elsewhere.

And tonight, I’m okay with that.

Tonight, I want what I want. I miss what I never had. I wish for what I cannot have. I crave more than what I am allowed. Tonight, there is no fair or unfair. There is no innocence and guilt. There is no truth and lie. There is just the night and me.

And tonight, I’m okay with that, too.

This is how I create – not with strokes using paint and brushes, but with words woven with wishes and emotions, with wistful smiles and precious tears. There is nothing in this world that I want more than to be able to paint with my hands – but I have not known how and so instead I learned to paint with my soul.

It’s still Ed Sheeran’s voice I hear as I write this. It drowns out the sound of engines and soft voices, leaving me lost in this moment. There is something about this song that makes me feel.  It is more than the words sung – there is something about the melody and the beat that reaches out and embraces what parts of me it touches. It wraps itself around me, gently swaying me to a place of comfort I had known in a past life. The song helps me write. It seeks to heal what is broken. It soothes my bleeding heart and my blackened soul.

This is what peace looks like. It is stillness. It is the quiet.  It is the absence of judgment.  It is the endlessness of time.  It is what it is.

Tonight, there is hope that I will one day become whole.

“All I want is the taste that your lips allow…”



Blessed Be…

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