Tag Archives: Self-Worth

60 in ’12: The Waiting Game

Well, they always say that every cloud has a silver lining, right?

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I got stranded at home for 4 days. On those very same days, in some not-so-far-off place, someone was stranded at the office. Then (social network undisclosed) happened. And that was how it all began.

If you’re expecting a blow-by-blow of what happened, you’re in for a big disappointment. That isn’t what this entry is all about.

Some things you should know, though, before we get any further:

1. I was nervous. My stomach was in knots at the thought of seeing him again – someone that I haven’t seen or heard from since 2004.
2. I have absolutely no idea if this will go anywhere. Whether or not I will ever see him again is all up in the air at this point.
3. I’m trying this new thing. It’s called waiting.

After that horrid tragedy that was my love life, I went out of my way to prove – to myself, to the world – that I was okay. In the last couple of months, I have gone out with boys, got myself into a lot of screwed up situations, and openly declared my lack of a moral compass. I swung from being indifferent to being restless. I made myself a promise and then I broke it… and in the process I got hurt, which eventually became turned into anger. Of course, right after that, I quickly went into vengeance mode and wreaked havoc upon those who deserved it.

And I did all of that for what? Because I was in too much of a hurry to give the world the finger.

I’ve always been told that patience is a virtue… To which I’ve always answered, “Yes, but it was never MY virtue.” I’ve always been in a hurry – I want what I want and I want it now. I have no patience for stupid people, conversations that don’t go anywhere, or relationships that take forever to figure out. I can’t say that I regret the things I did – I mean, whatever keeps me going, right? But after three and a half months, I got sick of it.

What do I want now anyway? I think #32 puts it into words perfectly. I am a hopeless romantic, forever in search for a great love and a grand passion. I was the brave one who always said, “It’s very black and white for me – if you want to be with me, then BE with me. No excuses.” And yet time and time again, I have found myself running after those I shouldn’t have sought out in the first place.

What good does wanting me so much do, when you can’t even decide to leave a girl you have no intention of marrying? What good does reminiscing 16 years worth of memories when you went off and married someone else? What good does setting ground rules do when you had no intention of following it?

What good does it do – to run after someone who doesn’t want to be with you?

Time to grow up, PhoenixFire. Time to stand for what you really want, even if that means waiting for a little while. You have to know that waiting is so hard for me. I want to do so many things, but I can’t keep selling myself short. But what do I really want?

I don’t want to be anyone’s option because I deserve to be with someone who CHOOSES to be with me. But it doesn’t end there. “I choose you” are brave words. Beautiful to hear and, I have to admit, it makes my heart flutter. But words are just that… Words. If you don’t do anything, it fades into oblivion.

Don’t fade into oblivion. Don’t fade into the night. Do something if you choose me. I won’t run… But I am waiting. For now.

 

 

Blessed Be…

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46 in ’12: At First Sight

I saw this post of Facebook and it was just too good to pass up…

Beautiful. Funny. Broken.

Beautiful? Yes.
Funny? Maybe.
Broken? Definitely.

As they say, we see what we look for.

‘Tis Sunday once again… My day of perpetual loneliness and sorrow.


Escaping In: Shakespeare in Love



Ciao Bella!

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30 in ’12: Chatter

I talk about self-love a lot, but for the longest time, I’ve never really practiced it. Sometimes it seems like I have not given enough love. Sometimes it seems like I gave too much of my love for free. Tonight I read another blog entry that talked exactly about this. The bottom line of what Alexys Fairfield was trying to say is this: We have to love ourselves before we can love anyone else.

The last time I wrote an entry, it was about this – Self-love… Self-worth. And what I wrote was wonderful and bold and honest. It was an ideal situation in a perfect world. I recently realized that it was easy to make claims like that when you’re tying to be impressive and bigger than life. It’s a whole lot different when standing up for yourself means you might lose something you thought you had always wanted.

I recently went out with “D”. He and I have had a relatively interesting history. In 2004, he was interested and I was with Someone. In 2007, he found out that Someone and I were no longer together and attempted to pick me up from the office (at 2:00 am). Unfortunately, by the time he found out that Someone and I were no longer together, I was already with Someone Else.

2012… Someone Else and I ended our 4-year relationship and, upon finding out, D and I finally went out. It is endlessly flattering when you know there’s someone who’s been waiting to go out with you for eight years. Unfortunately, time was never on our side. After eight years, I was finally free. This time, however, D wasn’t.

Despite the promise that he would find time to be with me, he didn’t. The thing is, things like that are so simple for me – if you want to be with me, then BE with me. No reasons, no excuses.

Very recently (and nearly a month after we first met up), D asked me out again. At this point, I have to remind you that I have been waiting for eight years to go out with this guy. But in the four weeks that he couldn’t make time for me, I discovered something – some people call it Self-Worth. I call it Self-Love.

Me: You want me to be honest?
D: Ok
Me: It feels like you want me, but not be with me… And I don’t want that, D.
D: I understand.
D: I really enjoy being with you, the conversation, the company
Me: Dude, super personal question, okay lang?
D: Sure.
Me: Are you in love with your girlfriend?
D: Yes. But with you I don’t know. It changes.
Me: What do you mean by that?
D: Like there are a lot we connect on
D: I love our conversation
D: We can go for hours of talking like time stood still
D: Di hindi man lang nag matter yung time that we didn’t see each other
D: It feels good…
Me: Okaaaaaaay…
Me: And how are things with your girlfriend these days?
D: Okay naman
D: Parang sarcastic yung okay mo ha 🙂
Me: Haha… Hindi sarcastic yun noh
Me: What do you want to happen ba, D?
D: Haha… eh ano yun?
D: I don’t know.
Me: Mahabang “okay”… I sound like that naman when I talk, diba? Lol!
Me: Mahirap yang I don’t know eh.
D: Don’t mind me. I’m just being a little boy again
D: Wanting everything
D: I guess we can just be friends
D: It’s unfair sayo that I don’t know what I want
Me: Haha… I completely understand that noh… Someone asked me before what I wanted and I said everything.
Me: But I think I’m coming from a slightly different perspective
D: I just don’t want you to go away and be gone in my life forever
Me: You know that you can talk to me about anything at any time, right?
D: Yah
D: That’s what I like about us
Me: That doesn’t have to stop… We did say we would be friends, right?
D: Yah
Me: You know why I said I wanted everything?
D: Y?
Me: Because I’m worth it, D. And even if it took me 31 years, I finally figured it out.

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15 in ’12: Lightning

It’s been so long, Phoenixfire, I’m quite sure you’ve forgotten our secret handshake, haven’t you?

Hmmmm…

How about our code for saying, “I love you”?

Dang…

Then I doubt you’ll recall my solemn promise to let you know once you began approaching exactly the right time and exactly the right place, with enough life lessons under your belt to enable you to finally stop struggling, start soaring, and begin living the life of your wildest dreams?

Well, if not, the following might not make much sense:

“You’re getting hot! Steaming hot! Really HOT!! Ouch, you’re so hot! Smoking, red-hot-chili-pepper, volcano, extremely, DOUBLE-HOT! HOT! HOT! NOW, Phoenixfire, NOW-W-W-W-W-W-W!”

I $l%o^v1e you,
The Universe

*     *     *

Dear Universe,

I mean, if you’re worth it, why settle, right?

I $l%o^v1e you 2,
Phoenixfire



Ciao Bella!

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