Tag Archives: The Universe

72 in ’12: After All

As that Sound of Music song goes, “Let’s start from the very beginning… A very good place to start…”

How I wish I knew when it began. Then maybe I would be in a better place to understand everything now. I have known you for quite a while and I never even entertained the thought of seeing you as more than a friend. That is unusual for me.

You have always been there… you were the one I told all my stories to… you were the one I would bother when there was nothing to do… you were the one who appeared for not real reason, greeted me good morning and asked me what was up… you were the one who was always there. Yet you were the one who I never saw.

Until now. Now you’re all I see.

I guess, in a way, I have Batman to thank for this. And before that, Old Man. And before that, D. And before that, the Abstract Artist. And before the Abstract Artist, I guess I have to thank He-Who-Broke-My-Heart. Since the beginning is a very good place to start, I really have to say this – when I really look at it, the beginning started with the end.

One Hope

He broke my heart. He broke it so badly that there were days when I thought I would never get over it. It took me to a place that made me think I was meant to be alone. After all, how could a four-year relationship end in less than 5 minutes at 5:30, one April morning?

I remember when we broke up more than 2 years ago. Why we broke up isn’t important. What is important is the fact that back then, he wasn’t ready to let go. So he fought for me – no matter how many times I told him that I needed time and I needed space. When we ended things this year, a part of me couldn’t help but feel cheated – because this time, it was over for him. This time, he was the one who wanted to let go. This time, he was ready. So he just… left.

Why was it so easy for him to leave? Why was it so easy for him to fall in love with someone else? Why was it so easy for him to move on? Why was it so easy for him to forget what we had? Why was it so easy for him?

How come it had to be so hard for me?

Admittedly, the version of me who reacted to the whole thing was not the best, to put it mildly. I tried to move on, and, like most things, the intention was good, but the execution left a lot to be desired. I ended up feeling more hurt and more used than I’ve ever been before and now that that particular phase has passed, I can honestly say that it was no one else’s fault but mine. I want to point fingers and say that the Abstract Artist was an adulterer and that D was a cheating, indecisive prick. I want to point fingers and say that Old Man had no balls and that Batman was a dick. But at the end of the day, matter how many fingers I point at other people, at least one finger would always point back at me. It was my decision to be with them.

Joy was right. I had lessons to learn with each and every one of them.

With the Abstract Artist and with D, I learned that no amount of it “feeling right” would change the fact that taking something that was already someone else’s was wrong. I did not learn with the Abstract Artist, so I made the same mistake with D. And I probably would have made the same mistake again had not learned that I deserved to be someone’s choice, and not just an option. With them, I learned that I was worth it.

With Old Man and Batman, I learned that past behavior will predict future behavior. If he was a coward with so many other girls, he would still be a coward with me. If he just wanted sex 8 years ago, chances are, sex was all he wanted now too. I did not not learn with Old Man, so I made same mistake with Batman. I thought they would be different now, but they weren’t. With them I learned that people will not change for me.

With He-Who-Broke-My-Heart, I learned that we can only change for ourselves. But more that, I learned that when we do change, we should change for the right reasons.

One Truth

And now I have come full circle. Now I come back to you.

You were everything I said I didn’t want. I have always been one for labels, but I cannot seem to have one for you. There are a lot of things I want to say to you, but I think I’ll save it for another day. You are a different story and I will tell it at another time.

We are very different, you and I… And yet sometimes, it seems like the lessons we have to learn are the same. Maybe these are some of them…

…That we have to live in the present, which means we have to let go of the past.
…That we are better for having once been broken.
…That we have to stop running after the wrong things in order for the right ones to catch us.
…That we have to give people the chance to love us.
…And, at the end of it all, we have to realize that maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t have to be so hard after all.

Maybe.

One Secret

*          *          *

Turning up the love, PhoenixFire.

Turns on everything else.

Love up,
The Universe

*          *          *

Dear Universe,

It’s like up to the max ❤

On The Edge,
PhoenixFire

 

 

Blessed Be…

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66 in ’12: Tonight, We Were Invincible

I should have done this when I was reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower, but that’s done and over with and now I’ve moved on to a new book: Looking for Alaska, by John Green.

To whet the appetite of those who have been reading my blog and those who want to join me in my many, many adventures in the world of books, here are some unforgettable moments…

*          *          *

“And in my classes, I will talk most of the time, and you will listen most of the time. Because you may be smart, but I’ve been smart longer.”
Dr. Hyde

“I would love to spend my remaining breath chatting with you about the finer points of Islamic history, but our time together is short. I must talk, and you must listen, for we are engaged here in the most important pursuit in history: the search for meaning.”
Dr. Hyde

She looked at me and smiled widely, and such a wide smile on her narrow face might have looked goofy were it not for the unimpeachably elegant green in her eyes. She smiled with all the delight of a kid on Christmas morning and said, “Y’all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.”
Alaska Young

The next day, Dr. Hyde asked me to stay after class. Standing before him, I realized for the first time how hunched his shoulders were, and he seemed suddenly sad and kind of old. “You like this class, don’t you?” he asked.

“Yessir.”

“You’ve got a lifetime to mull over the Buddhist understanding of interconnectedness.” He spoke every sentence as if he’d written it down, memorized it, and was now reciting it. “But while you were looking out the window, you missed the chance to explore the equally interesting Buddhist belief in being present for every facet of your daily life, of being truly present. Be present in this class. And then, when it’s over, be present out there,” he said, nodding toward the lake and beyond.
Conversation between Pudge and Mr. Hyde

“Sometimes I don’t get you,” I said.

She didn’t even glance at me. She just smiled toward the television and said, “You never get me. That’s the whole point.”
Conversation between Pudge and Alaska

Just like that. From a hundred miles an hour to asleep in a nanosecond. I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase.
Pudge

“Don’t you know who you love, Pudge? You love the girl who makes you laugh and shows you porn and drinks wine with you. You don’t love the crazy, sullen bitch.”

And there was something to that, truth be told.
Alaska, as said to Pudge

People, I thought, wanted security. They couldn’t bear the idea of death being a big black nothing, couldn’t bear the thought of their loved ones not existing, and couldn’t even imagine themselves not existing. I finally decided that people believed in an afterlife because they couldn’t bear not to.
Pudge’s Paper

The Great Perhaps was upon us, and we were invincible. The plan may have had faults, but we did not.
Pudge

More than anything, I felt the unfairness of it, the inarguable injustice of loving someone who might have loved you back but can’t due to deadness, and then I leaned forward, my forehead against the back of Takumi’s headrest, and I cried, whimpering, and I didn’t even feel sadness so much as pain. It hurt, and that is not a euphemism. It hurt like a beating.
Pudge

He was gone, and I did not have time to tell him what I had just now realized: that I forgave him, and that she forgave us, and that we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth.
Pudge

And so that is the question I leave you with in this final: What is your cause for hope?
Dr. Hyde

When you stopped wishing things wouldn’t fall apart, you’d stop suffering when they did.

Someday no one will remember that she ever existed, I wrote in my notebook, and then, or that I did. Because memories fall apart, too.
Pudge

We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.
Pudge’s Final Paper

*          *          *

PhoenixFire, if it was just about surviving, getting by, and keeping things the way they are, then how would you explain imagination?

If it was just about sacrifice, selflessness, and altruism, then how would you explain desire?

And if it was just about thinking, reflection, and spiritual stuff, then how would you explain the physical world?

Get the picture, PhoenixFire? Want it all. That’s what it’s there for.

Vroom, vroom –
The Universe

*          *          *

Dear Universe,

I love him.

One day, we will meet.

Love,
PhoenixFire

 

 

Blessed Be…

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62 in ’12: Breaking Free

I am SO in love with this video…

Hey, at least I’m in love with something, right? 🙂

*          *          *

Go ahead, PhoenixFire, want it all. Just learn to be happy before it arrives, or you may not notice when it does.

Tallyho,
The Universe

*          *          *

Dear Universe,

I am ready. Love will come.

Love,
PhoenixFire

 

 

Ciao Bella!

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61 in ’12: Dancing In The Rain

One book that I’ve always wanted to finish was Richard Templar‘s Rules of Life. Unfortunately, I lost my copy and I have spent the last year searching for another one. In vain.

But if there’s a will, there’s a way. I might now have found the book I was looking for, but I found several blogs (each of which are acknowledge at the appropriate segment) that shares several things to live by. Here is a list made up of several lessons from several sites. One day, I hope to add my own.

*          *          *

From Regina Brett
1. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
2. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
3. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
4. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
5. The most important sex organ is the brain.
6. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
7. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
8. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
9. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

From Nancy Sathre-Vogel
1. There is nothing to hold you back except you.
2. The only mistake that can truly hurt you is choosing to do nothing simply because you’re too scared to make a mistake.
3. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.
4. Do what you love, not what you think you’re supposed to do.
5. Forgiving yourself is far more important than getting others to forgive you.
6. For the most part, it doesn’t matter what people think. Follow your own truth.
7. You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have.
8. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
9. Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.
10. When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.
11. It’s not about getting a chance, it’s about taking a chance.

From Marc and Angel Hack Life
1. Most of the time what you are looking for is right in front of you.
2. People deserve a second chance, but not a third.
3. Marry your best friend.
4. If you never act, you will never know for sure.

From Paid to Exist (Part Un)
1. Often those who aren’t the easiest to love are the ones who need it the most.
2. Money is not the root of all evil, fear is.
3. Every man has a right to choose his own destiny.
4. Be grateful for this moment, it is all there is.

From Paid to Exist (Part Deux)
1. Creatively expressing yourself is like making love to the universe.
2. The greatest gift you can give someone is your time.
3. Everyone is an divine artist, writing their own story each day, choose to write your story with love.

From Me 🙂
1. If you’re waiting for life to be easy or fair, you will be waiting for a really, really long time.
2. If you refuse to accept anything but the best, then that is what life will give you.
3. If you want to be with someone, then BE with that someone. No excuses.
4. Love me first. Love me second. Love me third. Because that is the only way I know how to love you.
5. You are worth it.

*          *          *

Options multiply, PhoenixFire, when insistence lessens.

And when the time is right, I’ll help you choose.

Be fruitful,
The Universe

 

 

Ciao Bella!

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45 in ’12: Enchanted

And The Universe said to me…

The older the soul, PhoenixFire, the softer the glance, the quicker the smile and the sooner to say “I love you.”

Utterly fearless,
The Universe

*          *          *

When I was sixteen, I got my hands on a book written by Jude Deveraux called Remembrance. I loved it and, to this day, remains one of my favorite love stories. The heroine, Hayden Lane, said something that I always find myself coming back to. She said she wanted everything – the grand passion of a great love. Needless to say, being the hopeless romantic that I am (stir in the artist, and the dreamer, and the story-weaver into the mix), I wanted that too.

Eleven years later, I watched Enchanted and was reminded of the same things – a grand passion and a great love. Granted, that particular story involved a fake place called Andalacia and a dragon, but that’s besides the point. I remember being inside that theatre, sitting there with my then-significant-other beside me and thinking, “This can’t be it” (referring to a relationship that was beginning to plateau) and “There has to be something more”.

Without Words

Now, six years later, I found myself talking about the very same movie with someone who, until quite recently, I thought had a decent chance of being with me. We were walking in MOA and of course Enchanted came up because that was where I watched it all those years ago. After listening to me gush over the movie, he turns to me and says, “So ganun yung gusto mo? Yung lovelife na parang Enchanted?” (translation: So that’s what you want? A lovelife like the one in Enchanted?) I was looking at him and said, “Hindi naman…” Yes, really with the dot-dot-dot… because it was a complete and utter lie.

You see, I want to be able to say that I didn’t something similar to what Robert (Dempsey) and Giselle (Adams) had because, based on experience, it usually drives people to run away. Far, far away. Too much pressure, I guess. But what the hell, right? I want what I want. Of course, right after that, I went home and watched the film again. It was then that I realized that it wasn’t the fairytale that I wanted so much. I’ve been in enough relationships to know that the fairytale doesn’t last… After a couple of months (sometimes weeks, even) reality will always step in.

There was that scene, when Robert and Nancy were dancing in the King and Queen’s Ball and he looks up to see Giselle standing on top of the stairs. That look on his face – the one that told everyone who was watching he was completely and irrevocably in love with her even if he didn’t know it yet – that was what I wanted. Yes, at the end of the day, I want grand passion and a great love… But most of all, I want to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him.

*          *          *

Dear Universe,

My soul, then, must be at least a thousand years old. Please let my thousand-year-old soul meet another of its kind.

A Little Broken,
Me



Ciao Bella!

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44 ‘in 12: Waiting

And The Universe said to me…

And while on the subject of “Whoohooos!” PhoenixFire, they always return louder than when they were first sent out.

Matter manipulation secrets of ye old happy dancers,
The Universe

In Our Hands


Dear Universe,

I seriously hope you’re right.

Perpetually Dancing to My Own Beat,
PhoenixFire



Ciao Bella!

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42 in ’12: Unhappy

One of life’s most elusive lessons, PhoenixFire, saved for only the wise and peculiar, is that there’s nothing, ever, to be unhappy about.

Unless, of course, you lose sight of the big picture, think the illusions are real, or forget there’s no such place as far away.

Whoot,
The Universe

*          *          *

Dear Universe,

Ay, kelangan talaga magparinig ka?

I Love You,
PhoenixFire



Ciao Bella!

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