Tag Archives: Time

60 in ’12: The Waiting Game

Well, they always say that every cloud has a silver lining, right?

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I got stranded at home for 4 days. On those very same days, in some not-so-far-off place, someone was stranded at the office. Then (social network undisclosed) happened. And that was how it all began.

If you’re expecting a blow-by-blow of what happened, you’re in for a big disappointment. That isn’t what this entry is all about.

Some things you should know, though, before we get any further:

1. I was nervous. My stomach was in knots at the thought of seeing him again – someone that I haven’t seen or heard from since 2004.
2. I have absolutely no idea if this will go anywhere. Whether or not I will ever see him again is all up in the air at this point.
3. I’m trying this new thing. It’s called waiting.

After that horrid tragedy that was my love life, I went out of my way to prove – to myself, to the world – that I was okay. In the last couple of months, I have gone out with boys, got myself into a lot of screwed up situations, and openly declared my lack of a moral compass. I swung from being indifferent to being restless. I made myself a promise and then I broke it… and in the process I got hurt, which eventually became turned into anger. Of course, right after that, I quickly went into vengeance mode and wreaked havoc upon those who deserved it.

And I did all of that for what? Because I was in too much of a hurry to give the world the finger.

I’ve always been told that patience is a virtue… To which I’ve always answered, “Yes, but it was never MY virtue.” I’ve always been in a hurry – I want what I want and I want it now. I have no patience for stupid people, conversations that don’t go anywhere, or relationships that take forever to figure out. I can’t say that I regret the things I did – I mean, whatever keeps me going, right? But after three and a half months, I got sick of it.

What do I want now anyway? I think #32 puts it into words perfectly. I am a hopeless romantic, forever in search for a great love and a grand passion. I was the brave one who always said, “It’s very black and white for me – if you want to be with me, then BE with me. No excuses.” And yet time and time again, I have found myself running after those I shouldn’t have sought out in the first place.

What good does wanting me so much do, when you can’t even decide to leave a girl you have no intention of marrying? What good does reminiscing 16 years worth of memories when you went off and married someone else? What good does setting ground rules do when you had no intention of following it?

What good does it do – to run after someone who doesn’t want to be with you?

Time to grow up, PhoenixFire. Time to stand for what you really want, even if that means waiting for a little while. You have to know that waiting is so hard for me. I want to do so many things, but I can’t keep selling myself short. But what do I really want?

I don’t want to be anyone’s option because I deserve to be with someone who CHOOSES to be with me. But it doesn’t end there. “I choose you” are brave words. Beautiful to hear and, I have to admit, it makes my heart flutter. But words are just that… Words. If you don’t do anything, it fades into oblivion.

Don’t fade into oblivion. Don’t fade into the night. Do something if you choose me. I won’t run… But I am waiting. For now.

 

 

Blessed Be…

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36 in ’12: Timeless

They say that time heals all wounds. They say you have to give time time. They were right.

Time, for me, is… funny.

Time makes you realize that, in a blink of an eye, everything can change. Then there’s that moment when you realize there are things that never really do.

Yes, this one’s for you.

***

I can’t win, I can’t reign
I will never win this game
Without you, without you
I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you

I won’t run, I won’t fly
I will never make it by
Without you, without you
I can’t rest, I can’t fight
All I need is you and I,
Without you, without you

Oh oh oh!
You! You! You!
Without…
You! You! You!
Without…you

Can’t erase, so I’ll take blame
But I can’t accept that we’re estranged
Without you, without you
I can’t quit now, this can’t be right
I can’t take one more sleepless night
Without you, without you

I won’t soar, I won’t climb
If you’re not here, I’m paralyzed
Without you, without you
I can’t look, I’m so blind
I lost my heart, I lost my mind
Without you, without you

Oh oh oh!
You! You! You!
Without…
You! You! You!
Without…you

I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you
Without…you

“Without You”
David Guetta feat. Usher

***

Whether or not I write about you ever again, I just have to put this out there…
Maybe you were right. Maybe I did put up with a lot of your shit half a lifetime ago.

But that’s the thing. It was your shit. And you… you were mine.

Mine.
Always have been. Always will be.

A Shadow and An Angel

Time is funny. It rips away from you what you thought was yours. But it also tells a tale like nothing else can.

God isn’t the only one that opens windows when doors close.



Blessed Be…

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18 in ’12: Fine

“In nineteen minutes, you can mow the lawn, color your hair, watch a third of a hockey game.

In nineteen minutes, you can bake scones or get a tooth filled by a dentist; you can fold laundry for a family of five.

Nineteen minutes is how long it took the Tennessee Titans to sell out of tickets to the play-offs. It’s the length of a sitcom, minus the commercials. It’s the driving distance from the Vermont border to the town of Sterling, New Hampshire.

In nineteen minutes, you can order a pizza and get it delivered. You can read a story to a child of have your oil changed. You can walk a mile. You can sew a hem.

In nineteen minutes, you can stop the world, or you can just jump off it.

In nineteen minutes, you can get revenge.”

“Nineteen Minutes”, Jodi Picoult

I have been reading Jodi Picoult’s Nineteen Minutes – in fact, that’s where I got the excerpt from. I couldn’t get into it for a while… but now I can’t seem to put it down. I’ve gotten so engrossed that it’s even crossed my mind to buy an actual copy of the book – something that I have avoided in my attempt to avoid unnecessary expenses. It makes me wonder then – is reading a book about a school shooting, where a lonely, misunderstood boy ends the life of 10 people and injures 19 others a necessary expense?

Put that image on top of that tale – the most common lie we tell is “I’m fine” – and it hits a little closer to home.

I am known for crying over movies (regardless of the genre), songs, significant human experiences… and stories. Stories that I feel an unbelievable connection to. Stories that ring true. Stories of love… of loss… of hope… of death… of grief… of sorrow. But of all tales ever told, the ones that speak most to me are those about loneliness.

Of all things, I once considered Grief and Sorrow to be my oldest friends. So much that I once wrote about it when I was beginning Destiny (my attempt at a novel – but that is another story and will be told at another time). It wasn’t until I was spiraling down the darkness of depression that I found I stood to be corrected.

Do you know how it feels like to swim in a sea of sorrow, every exhausting second seemingly endless, with the shore nowhere in sight? I do.

I don’t understand whether it hurt more to find myself in that dark little hole, or to find that no amount of reassurance from those who love me was enough to pull me out. Those are the moments when every single demon comes out of every single memory, and every single second is filled with every fear you ever knew. Those are the moments when the darkness takes over your heart and all your eyes can see is despair. Those are the moments when every breath you take burns a million little holes in your lungs and you feel every iota of pain.

They say that suicide is a coward’s way out. They’re right, and I agree with them completely. I’m not proud of it, but it would be a lie to say that it’s never crossed my mind. I love my life, but sometimes I hate it. And I always, always wished I understood why.

Despite the dark and dreary entry, I must admit that I have been fortunate so far. I have had my dark days but I have always managed to pull out of it. Yet every success leaves me tired… So extremely and inexplicably tired.

When years trickle down to months… When months trickle down to days… When days trickle down to minutes… And minutes trickle down to seconds… How long will it take before you finally let go?

How long do you think will it take before I do?

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13 in ’12: Time

There’s this line that I read a couple of years ago that made such an impact that I still remember it now: “Time heals all wounds. Give time, time.”

Time. Such a lofty concept. The one thing we never have enough of.

And yet you would be surprised to know how it is too often set aside as if its passing has no bearing on how things play out.

I’m a bitch. I know that. I admit it. I’m not super proud of it and, most of the time, I am able to keep my horns from protruding. It takes a certain kind of event to trigger its reappearance.

Just yesterday, I was telling my class that one of the best ways to manage your boss is to know what their pet peeve was and learn how to go around it. I told them my pet peeve was “the pa-victim effect”. I HATE that.

Today, I discovered pet peeve number two: IRRESPONSIBILITY.

Call it what you want – accountability, ownership, doing what you’re supposed to do, not being a “patay bulate”, not waiting for the apple to fall into your mouth… You do know that I can go on and on and on, right?

Needless to say, I am very, very pissed right now. I’ve pretty much worked in service-oriented organizations my entire career and one thing that I really learned is that our business is not really our products, but the people who use it. Our clients are our lifeblood. So when someone calls and it needs to be referred to a different person, we better make sure that we get it to that person at the soonest time possible. And in the advent of all the high-tech gadgets available to us these days, short of being locked up without your cellphone or finding yourself in mortal peril from 11:00 am to 7:30 am the following day, there is virtually no excuse.

Maybe E was right. Maybe you don’t belong here.

*smirk*



Ciao Bella!

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