2014: Random Rantings of a Resume-Reader Part Deux

I once again find myself drowning in a deluge of CVs from hopefuls who, honestly, are not going to be given the opportunity to step within 10 feet of me. After a lot (A LOT) of laughs between me and my officemates, I thought it selfish to not share. So here we go…

Once again, in no particular order…

CV#1. Using words with more than 3 syllables does not an impressive resume make. Thank you for saying that our “recent manpower posting in (newspaper name omitted) for (position omitted) offers excellent employment opportunity in Administration.” But it doesn’t, really. I would also like to understand what these “human skills” are to which you are referring. If you have human skills, does it mean that someone people have inhuman skills? Just curious.

CV#2. I really can’t find anything wrong with your CV… but that’s probably due to the fact that I never finished reading it. The bullet points in rather small font are so boring, it made me want to get a gun and shoot myself in the head. But overall, your CV’s really good. Promise.

CV#3: I have so many things I want to say to you…

1.) “Good Day” was a good start. After that, it was all downhill from there.
2.) I love the fact that you have a dream. Keep dreaming.
3.) Given how your cover letter was written, I strongly suggest that you keep God and the gifts you believed He endowed out of it.
4.) This is not the Ms. Universe pageant. Even if you had put in “world peace”, I still wouldn’t interview you.

CV#4. I never really thought of using “prestigious” as an adjective for my company, but thank you for saying so. It must also be said that brown-nosing will not get you closer to an interview, no matter how much you may be looking forward to it.

CV#5. If I profiled you skills to suit that of an unemployed member of Philippine society, would you still be interested?

CV#6. Thank you for sending us a 16-page CV. Next time, however, please do not send us copies of the following:


* Your transcript of records from college
* Your diploma
* 9 certificates of employment
* certifications of seminars that you have attended in the past
* Your NBI clearance
* Your passport

If we wanted those, we would have asked for it in the add.

CV#7 (had to save the best for last). Do not lie in your resume. When you claim to be proficient in communication, rethink statements such as “I possess a good communication and writing skills…”. “A hand worker who is eager to learn.” is not even a statement. It is a phrase. A very wrong-sounding phrase.

***

Luck to your future endeavors. You’re going to need it.

Dark & Twisted

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