Tag Archives: Choice

07.13: You’re So Vain (You Probably This Post Is About You)

Hindi ko kayang sabihin na kilala kita. Hindi kita kayang husgahan dahil wala ako sa tamang posisyon para gawin yun. Pero kahit hindi kita kilala, tuwing naaalala ko kung papapaano ka naging bahagi ng kwento ko, ang daming sumasagi sa isip ko. Baka nga ngayon na ang tamang panahon para maisulat ang mga ito. Maaaring hindi mo mahahanap kahit kailan ang sinulat kong ito, pero kung yan man ay mangyari, gusto kong malaman mo na paninindigan ko ang bawat salita na nakasulat dito.

We are all living the lives we chose to live.

Ikaw… may tawag sayo. At ang “makapal ang mukha” ay hindi sapat na paglalarawan sayo. Ikaw ang taong mahilig gumawa ng kung ano-anung drama, tapos pag may pumalag – hindi ko ba alam kung paano mo nababaluktot sa napakaliit at napakakitid mong utak – bigla ka nalang bumabaliktad and nagpapalabas na ikaw ang kawawa at ikaw ang inapi.

Hindi ka kawawa – wala ka lang ginawa para baguhin ang sitwasyon mo. Hindi ka inapi – nagpaapi ka. Hindi kasalanan ng mundo na tatanga-tanga ka.

Oo, maaari mong sabihin na hindi ko alam ang pinagdaanan mo. Alam kong iba ang naging buhay mo sa kwento ko. Pero ikaw ay bahagi ng nakaraan. Tinanggap ko yun. Pero wag kang magkamali na subukang makisali sa kasalukuyan.

Aaminin ko, minsan pinapangarap ko na dumating araw na magkita tayo sa hindi inaakalang pagkakataon. Titingnan kita mula ulo hanggang paa… tapos tatawa ako. Tawagin mo ako kung ano ang gusto mong itawag sa akin – maldita, suplada, impakta. Hindi ko naman ipagkakaila. Napakadaming salita ang pwedeng gamitin para lumarawan sa akin, maliban sa isa. Hindi ako api. Hawak ko ang buhay ko. Ginusto ko ang buhay na pinagdaanan ko. Ginawa ko ang mga pagkakamali ko. Wala akong sinisisi kung hindi ang aking sarili.

Gusto kong sabihin na isang araw, mamumulat din ang mga mata mo at matututo ka, pero isa yung malaking kasinungalingan. Hindi ako naniniwalang magbabago ka. Panghabang buhay kang maghahanap ng mga tao na kaya mong paikot-ikutin gamit ng mga kwento mo. Sabagay, malikhain ka nga pala. Yun lang nga, hindi lang larawan ang nililikha mo.

Ibaon na ang kahapon sa nakaraan. Wag nang pangarapin ang isang kinabukasan na hindi kailan man mapapasaiyo. Ako ang kasalukuyan. Akin ang kinabukasan. Walang pwesto na iniliaan, inaalala o inaalagaan para sayo.

Mas matanda ka sa akin, bagamat hindi tayo nagkakalayo sa edad. Dapat mas alam mo to. Dapat sayo nanggagaling ang mga katotohanang ito. Pero hindi naman mangyayari yun, kaya ako na ang nagsasabi.

Awa ng Diyos, hindi na ulit ako magsusulat dahil sayo. Wag nating antayin ang panahon na ako ang may gawin dahil ngayon palang, sinasabi ko, hindi mo magugustuhan ang maaring mangyari.

Ayan, tinagalog ko para maintindihan mo.

Bato-bato sa langit… Kapag pakiramdam mo para sa’yo to… Malamang, tama ka.

*smirk*

 

 

Dark & Twisted…

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04.13: Parang Paper Cut Lang Sa Mata

Whoever said that curiosity killed the cat didn’t know half of it. They forgot to mention the sheer and utter torture that comes with opening accounts you weren’t supposed to look up in the first place… That and the realization that sometimes it’s not your past that stabs you in the heart – it’s someone else’s.

My fault.  My bad.  I don’t know why I do these things.  Seriously.

 

 

Dark & Twisted…

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72 in ’12: After All

As that Sound of Music song goes, “Let’s start from the very beginning… A very good place to start…”

How I wish I knew when it began. Then maybe I would be in a better place to understand everything now. I have known you for quite a while and I never even entertained the thought of seeing you as more than a friend. That is unusual for me.

You have always been there… you were the one I told all my stories to… you were the one I would bother when there was nothing to do… you were the one who appeared for not real reason, greeted me good morning and asked me what was up… you were the one who was always there. Yet you were the one who I never saw.

Until now. Now you’re all I see.

I guess, in a way, I have Batman to thank for this. And before that, Old Man. And before that, D. And before that, the Abstract Artist. And before the Abstract Artist, I guess I have to thank He-Who-Broke-My-Heart. Since the beginning is a very good place to start, I really have to say this – when I really look at it, the beginning started with the end.

One Hope

He broke my heart. He broke it so badly that there were days when I thought I would never get over it. It took me to a place that made me think I was meant to be alone. After all, how could a four-year relationship end in less than 5 minutes at 5:30, one April morning?

I remember when we broke up more than 2 years ago. Why we broke up isn’t important. What is important is the fact that back then, he wasn’t ready to let go. So he fought for me – no matter how many times I told him that I needed time and I needed space. When we ended things this year, a part of me couldn’t help but feel cheated – because this time, it was over for him. This time, he was the one who wanted to let go. This time, he was ready. So he just… left.

Why was it so easy for him to leave? Why was it so easy for him to fall in love with someone else? Why was it so easy for him to move on? Why was it so easy for him to forget what we had? Why was it so easy for him?

How come it had to be so hard for me?

Admittedly, the version of me who reacted to the whole thing was not the best, to put it mildly. I tried to move on, and, like most things, the intention was good, but the execution left a lot to be desired. I ended up feeling more hurt and more used than I’ve ever been before and now that that particular phase has passed, I can honestly say that it was no one else’s fault but mine. I want to point fingers and say that the Abstract Artist was an adulterer and that D was a cheating, indecisive prick. I want to point fingers and say that Old Man had no balls and that Batman was a dick. But at the end of the day, matter how many fingers I point at other people, at least one finger would always point back at me. It was my decision to be with them.

Joy was right. I had lessons to learn with each and every one of them.

With the Abstract Artist and with D, I learned that no amount of it “feeling right” would change the fact that taking something that was already someone else’s was wrong. I did not learn with the Abstract Artist, so I made the same mistake with D. And I probably would have made the same mistake again had not learned that I deserved to be someone’s choice, and not just an option. With them, I learned that I was worth it.

With Old Man and Batman, I learned that past behavior will predict future behavior. If he was a coward with so many other girls, he would still be a coward with me. If he just wanted sex 8 years ago, chances are, sex was all he wanted now too. I did not not learn with Old Man, so I made same mistake with Batman. I thought they would be different now, but they weren’t. With them I learned that people will not change for me.

With He-Who-Broke-My-Heart, I learned that we can only change for ourselves. But more that, I learned that when we do change, we should change for the right reasons.

One Truth

And now I have come full circle. Now I come back to you.

You were everything I said I didn’t want. I have always been one for labels, but I cannot seem to have one for you. There are a lot of things I want to say to you, but I think I’ll save it for another day. You are a different story and I will tell it at another time.

We are very different, you and I… And yet sometimes, it seems like the lessons we have to learn are the same. Maybe these are some of them…

…That we have to live in the present, which means we have to let go of the past.
…That we are better for having once been broken.
…That we have to stop running after the wrong things in order for the right ones to catch us.
…That we have to give people the chance to love us.
…And, at the end of it all, we have to realize that maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t have to be so hard after all.

Maybe.

One Secret

*          *          *

Turning up the love, PhoenixFire.

Turns on everything else.

Love up,
The Universe

*          *          *

Dear Universe,

It’s like up to the max ❤

On The Edge,
PhoenixFire

 

 

Blessed Be…

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60 in ’12: The Waiting Game

Well, they always say that every cloud has a silver lining, right?

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I got stranded at home for 4 days. On those very same days, in some not-so-far-off place, someone was stranded at the office. Then (social network undisclosed) happened. And that was how it all began.

If you’re expecting a blow-by-blow of what happened, you’re in for a big disappointment. That isn’t what this entry is all about.

Some things you should know, though, before we get any further:

1. I was nervous. My stomach was in knots at the thought of seeing him again – someone that I haven’t seen or heard from since 2004.
2. I have absolutely no idea if this will go anywhere. Whether or not I will ever see him again is all up in the air at this point.
3. I’m trying this new thing. It’s called waiting.

After that horrid tragedy that was my love life, I went out of my way to prove – to myself, to the world – that I was okay. In the last couple of months, I have gone out with boys, got myself into a lot of screwed up situations, and openly declared my lack of a moral compass. I swung from being indifferent to being restless. I made myself a promise and then I broke it… and in the process I got hurt, which eventually became turned into anger. Of course, right after that, I quickly went into vengeance mode and wreaked havoc upon those who deserved it.

And I did all of that for what? Because I was in too much of a hurry to give the world the finger.

I’ve always been told that patience is a virtue… To which I’ve always answered, “Yes, but it was never MY virtue.” I’ve always been in a hurry – I want what I want and I want it now. I have no patience for stupid people, conversations that don’t go anywhere, or relationships that take forever to figure out. I can’t say that I regret the things I did – I mean, whatever keeps me going, right? But after three and a half months, I got sick of it.

What do I want now anyway? I think #32 puts it into words perfectly. I am a hopeless romantic, forever in search for a great love and a grand passion. I was the brave one who always said, “It’s very black and white for me – if you want to be with me, then BE with me. No excuses.” And yet time and time again, I have found myself running after those I shouldn’t have sought out in the first place.

What good does wanting me so much do, when you can’t even decide to leave a girl you have no intention of marrying? What good does reminiscing 16 years worth of memories when you went off and married someone else? What good does setting ground rules do when you had no intention of following it?

What good does it do – to run after someone who doesn’t want to be with you?

Time to grow up, PhoenixFire. Time to stand for what you really want, even if that means waiting for a little while. You have to know that waiting is so hard for me. I want to do so many things, but I can’t keep selling myself short. But what do I really want?

I don’t want to be anyone’s option because I deserve to be with someone who CHOOSES to be with me. But it doesn’t end there. “I choose you” are brave words. Beautiful to hear and, I have to admit, it makes my heart flutter. But words are just that… Words. If you don’t do anything, it fades into oblivion.

Don’t fade into oblivion. Don’t fade into the night. Do something if you choose me. I won’t run… But I am waiting. For now.

 

 

Blessed Be…

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54 in ’12: V is for Vengeance – First Date, Day 6

I Mean YOU. Seriously.

*          *          *

April 29, 2012

12:20 am
HIM:
anu yan, restaurant?

Me:
Yup. Japanese fusion. Gutom na gutom na ako kanina, hindi naman ako makakain ng maayos.

Hanggang 1:30 lang kami today. Hehe


12:38 am
HIM:
and then?

Me:
Home na

HIM:
ah.. uwi ka na sa condo?

Me:
Nagkakasala lang ako sa diyos na hindi ko pinaniniwalaan… Wala akong ginawa the whole night kung hindi manlait ng tayo.

Yup, uwi na ko sa condo after.

HIM:
u must be having so much fun.. =D

HIM:
san ba ung condo?

Me:
Hahahaha… Ngayon, oo, kasi nag kick in na yung coffee and the biogesic.

The condo’s in pasig.


1:08 am
HIM:
i can get to u in 30min if u want

Me:
We’ll see, baby. Parang nabuhayan kami ng dugo. But thank you so much – even just for offering 🙂

HIM:
alright.. if not in a while then tomorrow.. i also wanna be in bed after a couple of hours.. would be nice to see u tonight..

Me:
I know sweetie 🙂

If you want to sleep na, it’s okay. Text me lang before you drift off to lalaland

HIM:
alright then.. kiss*

Me:
🙂

HIM:
u sure ju dont want me to drive to u now? i can massage u.. =p

Me:
I’m thinking about it, baby… But I don’t want you to lose sleep over waiting for my decision 🙂

HIM:
i’ll tell u when i wanna sleep

Me:
Alright 🙂

HIM:
ayaw mo ng massage ah.. sige ka.. hahaha.. may ganon tlg.. =p

Me:
Lol! I so need a massage na. Sakit na ng katawan ko.

HIM:
grabe tamang-tama.. after that im just going to watch u peacefully sleep.. haay ganda..


1:30 am
Me:
That’s a very nice picture you have in your head 🙂

HIM:
i will head to the shower now baby, after that, it’s either the car or the bed.. kiss*


1:15 am
HIM:
im just thinking if we spend our half day now, we can still go out tomorrow, and come home early at night so u can rest for work.. kiss*

Me:
Awww… Thank you for thinking about me so much, baby. But we’re so not done and parang hindi ako makakapag-graceful exit 😉 Lol

HIM:
up to u baby.. it’s d same.. if u can’t be off as early tonight, late na rin tayo makakapag meet tomorrow.. =D

Me:
What time do you want to meet ba tomorrow?


2:02 am
HIM:
?? di ba sabi mo 12 to 12.. or kung gusto mo gabi nalang.. but that wont give that much time as planned.. kaw bahala baby.. =D
Either u rest late tonight and wake up late tomorrow, then we meet for a short while.. or we meet now, u rest after massage.. wake up, then spend longer time together.. either way, we get to mee.. =D

Me:
Can we meet around 4? Bawi lang ako ng tulog 🙂

HIM:
4pm then.. =D

Me:
Kewl. Just let me know where

HIM:
malls seem to be complete package..

Me:
What?

HIM:
i mean malls are good right? coffee, movies, walk.. =D

Me:
Oh, yeah. Which mall?

HIM:
i dunno.. im not a maller baby.. i’ll think it up.. =D


2:17 am
Me:
Okay 🙂


2:55 am
HIM:
kiss*

Me:
Hey Baby 🙂 About to sleep na?

HIM:
not yet.. still playing.. maybe in an hour.. =D

Me:
What are you playing?

HIM:
old pc game baby.. counter strike

Me:
Naglalaro ka pala nyan

HIM:
why baby?

Me:
I used to play that. Jan ko na-confirm ang pagiging directionally-challenged ko

HIM:
so u dont drive too?

Me:
I don’t know how to drive, sweetie. That’s why I either commute or walk wherever I plan on going. At pag nagtuturo ako ng directions sa cab driver, naco-confuse pa talaga ako sa left and right.

HIM:
oh.. ok.. hehe

Me:
Winner diba?

Nakahiga na ako sa table. Haha

HIM:
u’r funny baby.. bakit ka hihiga sa table?


3:15 am
Me:
Sabi sayo eh… Pag kelangan ko nang humiga, kahit saan talaga hihiga ako.

HIM:
u cud hav been getting a massage by now.. =p

Me:
:p I know, baby


3:36 am
Me:
Hey baby… On my way home na


3:49 am
HIM:
tc baby.. tell me when u’r home..


4:08 am
Me:
Hi… I’m in the condo na 🙂

HIM:
sleep well baby… kiss*

Me:
Thanks baby…

Me:
Syempre nanunuod pa talaga ako ng glee ;p

Good night, baby 🙂

HIM:
at least baby u made the most out of ur weekend.. =D

Me:
😀

9:47 am
Me:
Hi 🙂

10:35 am
HIM:
u’r not supposed to be awake baby

Me:
But I am na eh… What are you doing up already?

HIM:
i woke up.. trying to get back to sleep..

Me:
Me too… Sleep pa baby

HIM:
i wud meet u now and sleep w u.. that sounds more doable.. ang lungkot dito eh..

Me:
Why is it sad there?

HIM:
wala ka


10:47 am
Me:
Asus :p We’ll see each other naman later 🙂

HIM:
later we wont have time to sleep..

Me:
But at least I’ll be with you.. Don’t let the day start out with you feeling sad, baby 🙂


2:29 pm
Me:
Hi 🙂


3:01 pm
HIM:
baby im on my way now.. wala akong dalang kotse.. where do u wanna meet? Makati or MOA?

Me:
Makati. I don’t think I can find my way to moa

HIM:
alright.. u wanna meet in RS? i dont think i can find my walls in malls..


3:26 pm
Me:
Haha… Sure


3:47 pm
HIM:
where r u baby?

Me:
On the road pa. You there na?

HIM:
almost.. i’ll prolly meet u in SBucks corner paseo.. =D


4:01 pm
Me:
Be there in 5 mins

HIM:
aww baby mauuna ka pa sakin

Me:
Hahaha… Ok. I’ll be in sbux. Lol

Me:
Oh, sbux paseo is closed.

HIM:
oh my.. u wanna sit in d fastfood?

Me:
Don’t worry, I’ll find somewhere to make tambay

Me:
Went to 711 near pb com first

*          *          *

Funny how you messaged my friend to apologize for hurting me. I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of days now and I still cannot wrap my head around how utterly senseless that was.

And how I handle my anger is none of your business. Just like what you feel about her is none of our business and what we think of you (and her) is none of yours.

It is unfortunate that you hurt me. It is more unfortunate that every single move you’ve done after that was unbelievably stupid. What did you expect? That I would curl up in a corner and cry my eyes out? That I would keep quiet? Working in close proximity to me for 7 years should have told you otherwise.

I was never a victim of circumstance and I never will be. THIS is how I deal with my anger… And if you’re biding your time, waiting for the anger to wane, then I guess you’ll be waiting for a really, Really, REALLY long time. Good luck to that.

I’m angry. I’m also vicious and vengeful. You said it yourself… You had it coming. Be a man. Deal with it.

Oh, but you’re not, are you, Old Man?



Ciao Bella!

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48 in ’12: V is for Vengeance – The Beginning, Day 1

“Sometimes making a bad decision is better than making no decision at all.” One of the films that I show in training says that. I’ve always agreed. But now, seeing as how I was caught in the middle of a no-decision situation, I understand it in a whole different level.

In light of recent events, I have decided to write (transcribe) a series about, well, HIM. It is not my way of telling the world about how I was screwed over – I can’t place all the blame on him. It was partly my fault, after all. But it’s time to tell the truth… and let the pieces fall where they may.

For those of you who knew this was coming, enjoy. For those of you who come upon it, take the red pill and see the world from my eyes. For those of you who this is written for, I hope you find it. And I hope the truth gives you a thousand paper cuts that refuse to heal. And then I’ll pour the acid.

Yes, I am still in my Angry Phase.

*          *          *

*all conversations were lifted verbatim from my phone / messenger. I apologize in advance for grammatical errors*

April 24, 2012

HIM:
ds my number kris riva =D

Me:
Very kewl. Go prep for work 🙂

HIM:
can you do your question again pls, i don’t understand one part of it..

Me:
Sorry, which part isn’t clear?

HIM:
the first part

Me:
Okay… Guys breaks up with me, right? Now he’s being all whiny about it. Normal ba yun?

HIM:
oh.. that cud mean many thhings.. opposite extremes really.. depends on d person i guess.. some guys are girls bec they’re confused.. they ‘want’ the break up but they can’t live w it (normal in lengthy relationships i guess)..

some crafty inglorious guys do it for show to un/consciously lash more emo sadism to the other party.. some other guys w low EQ (to my opinion) do it simply bec they’s just how they are..

Me:
Oh my gad!… You guys talaga!

HIM:
i could easily be wrong dear

Me:
Dear? 🙂 And you could just as easily be right… Or (other parties mentioned may have their names deleted) is really just such a GIRL!!!

HIM:
u’r a meany… =p

Me:
I always said I was a bitch.

HIM:
define bitch

Me:
I’m opinionated. I know what I want and I got after it. I’ll tell you as it is because i don’t believe in sugarcoating. I’m not a goody-goody. I defy what is considered to be “socially acceptable”. Should I go on?

HIM:
ok.. stop right there, baka magkagusto na ako sayo.. so are u girls really such bitches when breaking up w men u dated for years?

Me:
Only when they act like such girls.

“Baka magkagusto na ako sa’yo” – winner ka, dude

HIM:
haha.. i’m just messing w you.. pero winner talaga ako..

Me:
Ayan nanaman yang kayabangan mo eh. Okay na eh.

HIM:
no pun ntended in that.. sobbrang corny na nga ng patawa ko nayabangan ka naman.. haha.. sorry, disconnect.. =D

Me:
Hahahaha… Consequences of tryin to delivering a punchline through text. Lol.

HIM:
i like it when im dorky.. but sometimes it comes out differently.. =p

Me:
Dorky? When have you ever been dorky? Dorky people are endearing – and don’t date ask me what endearing means!

HIM:
lagi kaya… malas lang.. =p

Me:
Kung consistent, hindi na malas ang tawag dun.

HIM:
im sure hindi naman consistent ang kamalasan ko.. sorry naman sa mga di pa nakaka’malas’.. nyehehe..

Me:
Are you sure??? Lol!

Hindi pa swerte ang mga hindi pa nakaka’malas’?

HIM:
hmmm.. sarcasm.. mahina ako jan.. suko na ako.. talo na.. white flag.. surrender.. maawa ka sakin pls..

Me:
Ay ako naman naguumapaw ang sarcasm ko. I just get away with a lot of shit because I’m malambing magsalita

HIM:
ikr.. it’s fun being around such peeps.. wag lang ako ung victim.. nakakatakot!

Me:
Hahahaha… Now I’m wondering if I’ve ever “victimized” you before without you knowing it.

HIM:
im sure u have, one way or another.. but i dont want to think abt that anymore..

Me:
Hahaha… Why not??

HIM:
hahaha.. siyempre saka na pag nasa mood ako.. pagtatawanan ma lang ako e.. kawawa naman ako noh..

Me:
Hindi naman kita pagtatawanan noh. Mapapangitin lang ako dito. And you wouldn’t see that anyway. Lol

HIM:
wud hav been cool to see that.. nakauwi ka na ba?

Me:
Noty yet. I just finished a meeting. I have dinner plans pa. I try to stay away from the condo these days.

HIM:
good for u having the energy.. im so tamad i like it in d house.. makati pa rin ba work mo?

Me:
Yup. Super near RS.

Ir’s not that I have endless energy, but I’d rather arrive home just in time to sleep and not have to talk to anyone. (Description omitted) yung situation sa bahay.

HIM:
must be tough..

Me:
It’s (description omitted). I need to find a place of my own talaga.

You still rent out a place in makati?

HIM:
nope.. planning to go back but long shot.. i still live in cavite

Me:
Cavite??? Since when ka pa nakatira sa cavite> Huli na pala ako sa balita

HIM:
ano ka ba.. been there since 2007

Me:
Dude, I seriously did not know that.

HIM:
ok.. so u’r still in one condo?

Me:
And in one room

HIM:
wicked!

Me:
I know, right?! Talking about a (description omitted) situation

HIM:
im sure u guys can be adults abt it

Me:
Riiiiiight… You do remember who my ex is, right?

HIM:
yeah i do.. the new agent in PB right? back in the time

Me:
Yup. Not exactly a grown up. I’m definitely swearing off younger guys.

HIM:
sometimes it comes to that..

Me:
Haaay… I’ve definitely come to that

HIM:
malay mo naman… 4 yrs is 4 yrs

Me:
Asus. Yes, 4 years is 4 years, but over is also over. I’ve always been like that eh – when I’m done, I’m done.

Told you I was a bitch.

HIM:
my sister is like that too so i guess i gotcha

Me:
You sister must be awesome! Lol.

HIM:
she is.. =D

Me:
Just like me then!

HIM:
you bet..
san ka na?

Me:
Accenture. I’m having dinner with eloi

HIM:
pls send my regards to eloi.. miss ko na kayo.. =D

Me:
Nasabi ko na. Natawa sya.

HIM:
san ba ung accenture?

Me:
Cybergate lang sa boni. E I came from edsa shang so nagkita na kami.

HIM:
sounds fun.. sayang im normally in makati at 7pm

Me:
Late na yun noh… I get out of the office at 5:30.

HIM:
we cud prolly meet some time.. 6 pm sounds like a plan

Me:
Sige ba

HIM:
cool.. walang apihan ha!

Me:
Ay, I can’t promise that!

HIM:
nginig

Me:
Haha.. Bakit naman ganun ang reaction mo?

HIM:
kasi naman aapihin mo ako e.. hahaha.. im sure it will be fun..

Me:
Oo… Fun yun.. Fun naman ako mang-api eh. Lol

HIM:
turuan mo anlang ako.. mang api tayo ng ibang tao.. hehe

Me:
Hahaha… The best way to learn is through experience!

HIM:
hehe.. im my own guinea pig then

Me:
Exactly. It’ll be a surreal experience!

HIM:
nakakatakot.. =p

Me:
Lol. Are you going to back out?

HIM:
not if u dont want me to

Me:
Haha… You decide 🙂

HIM:
we’ll see.. =p

Me:
Hahaha… Chicken? ;p

HIM:
minsan.. hahaha.. i’m sure there’s going to be time for that.. =D

Me:
For you to be chicken? Lol!

HIM:
hehe.. there’d been so many times for that already.. =p

Me:
Don’t chicken out, dude

HIM:
i wont.. i miss hanging out too.. =D

Me:
Lol. Talaga lang ha

HIM:
oo noh

Me:
Oo na. Sige na. I believe you

HIM:
mabuti naman noh.. di ako yumayaman sa pagsisinungaling.. aren’t you home yet?

Me:
Not yet, why?

HIM:
i just figures.. it’s almost midnight na pala

Me:
Yup… Almost midnight. Drinking lang. I’ll be home in a while.

HIM:
drinking w eloi?

Me:
Yup. First drink in nearly 4 years.

HIM:
smoking and driking.. hmmm.. things i dont do anymore.. little drinking nalang.. paminsan

Me:
I’m hoping it’s a phase. I become really “fun” when I drink, which is why I don’t do it very often. And ang hina ko naman uminom noh.

HIM:
u’r fun enough without drinking, but im sure it’ll be fun drinking w u

Me:
I’m not sure if I should take that as a compliment or not.

HIM:
im trying to compliment you

Me:
Oh. Okay then. Thank you 🙂

HIM:
ayuz!

Me:
Lol

*          *          *

Watch Out, Watch Out, Wherever You Are…

I just realized that when this whole thing started, I was also in an Angry Phase. Funny how’ve I’ve come full circle.

More to come, I promise.

*smirk*



Ciao Bella!

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Filed under This So-Called Life, World Domination

30 in ’12: Chatter

I talk about self-love a lot, but for the longest time, I’ve never really practiced it. Sometimes it seems like I have not given enough love. Sometimes it seems like I gave too much of my love for free. Tonight I read another blog entry that talked exactly about this. The bottom line of what Alexys Fairfield was trying to say is this: We have to love ourselves before we can love anyone else.

The last time I wrote an entry, it was about this – Self-love… Self-worth. And what I wrote was wonderful and bold and honest. It was an ideal situation in a perfect world. I recently realized that it was easy to make claims like that when you’re tying to be impressive and bigger than life. It’s a whole lot different when standing up for yourself means you might lose something you thought you had always wanted.

I recently went out with “D”. He and I have had a relatively interesting history. In 2004, he was interested and I was with Someone. In 2007, he found out that Someone and I were no longer together and attempted to pick me up from the office (at 2:00 am). Unfortunately, by the time he found out that Someone and I were no longer together, I was already with Someone Else.

2012… Someone Else and I ended our 4-year relationship and, upon finding out, D and I finally went out. It is endlessly flattering when you know there’s someone who’s been waiting to go out with you for eight years. Unfortunately, time was never on our side. After eight years, I was finally free. This time, however, D wasn’t.

Despite the promise that he would find time to be with me, he didn’t. The thing is, things like that are so simple for me – if you want to be with me, then BE with me. No reasons, no excuses.

Very recently (and nearly a month after we first met up), D asked me out again. At this point, I have to remind you that I have been waiting for eight years to go out with this guy. But in the four weeks that he couldn’t make time for me, I discovered something – some people call it Self-Worth. I call it Self-Love.

Me: You want me to be honest?
D: Ok
Me: It feels like you want me, but not be with me… And I don’t want that, D.
D: I understand.
D: I really enjoy being with you, the conversation, the company
Me: Dude, super personal question, okay lang?
D: Sure.
Me: Are you in love with your girlfriend?
D: Yes. But with you I don’t know. It changes.
Me: What do you mean by that?
D: Like there are a lot we connect on
D: I love our conversation
D: We can go for hours of talking like time stood still
D: Di hindi man lang nag matter yung time that we didn’t see each other
D: It feels good…
Me: Okaaaaaaay…
Me: And how are things with your girlfriend these days?
D: Okay naman
D: Parang sarcastic yung okay mo ha 🙂
Me: Haha… Hindi sarcastic yun noh
Me: What do you want to happen ba, D?
D: Haha… eh ano yun?
D: I don’t know.
Me: Mahabang “okay”… I sound like that naman when I talk, diba? Lol!
Me: Mahirap yang I don’t know eh.
D: Don’t mind me. I’m just being a little boy again
D: Wanting everything
D: I guess we can just be friends
D: It’s unfair sayo that I don’t know what I want
Me: Haha… I completely understand that noh… Someone asked me before what I wanted and I said everything.
Me: But I think I’m coming from a slightly different perspective
D: I just don’t want you to go away and be gone in my life forever
Me: You know that you can talk to me about anything at any time, right?
D: Yah
D: That’s what I like about us
Me: That doesn’t have to stop… We did say we would be friends, right?
D: Yah
Me: You know why I said I wanted everything?
D: Y?
Me: Because I’m worth it, D. And even if it took me 31 years, I finally figured it out.

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Filed under Secret Life of Bees, This So-Called Life, World Domination