Tag Archives: Sorrow

Kiss the One Who Turns Back Time for You

Fifteen years ago, I found a show that was smart, intriguing and heartbreaking. Fifteen years ago, I found Meredith Gray and all the wondrous people who made up her reality.

Today I finally had time to just be at home… got to stay in bed for majority of the day… watched episode 12 of season 15.

I watched a couple – Garrett and Natasha – finally tell their team of doctors that, after spending the last three months in the hospital and with Natasha’s condition getting steadily worse, that they have decided to take her off her ventilator.

“You all have done everything you can to give me as much time as possible. We may not have gotten that wedding under the stars, but you gave us the rest of our lives together.”

Natasha
Grey’s Anatomy, Season 15, Episode 12

She was dying. She knew it – they both did. But for some reason, they found a way be thankful for the time they got together. In classic Grey’s Anatomy fashion, the doctors found a way to give them their wedding underneath the stars. They gathered in her room, turned off all the lights and used their phones to create starlight.

Meredith: Garrett asked me to read the vows that you wrote before the accident…

“Garrett, the moment I met you I knew I would spend the rest of my life with you. Before you, I never met anyone I could be in the same room with longer than a few hours. I waited my whole life to meet you. I gave up thinking I ever would. Now that I found you, it all makes sense. Everything that was once hard feels easy now that you are in my life. And everything that was once easy is now sublime.”

Natasha’s Wedding Vows as ready by Meredith Grey
Grey’s Anatomy, Season 15, Season 12

They were married.

And then she passed.

And as he kissed her goodbye, with Stand By Me playing softly in the background, my heart broke over and over again.

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Sad, Sometimes

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that being unhappy and being sad can be two completely different things.

I am not unhappy with my life… I have a wonderful career that allows me to do what I really want to do. I couldn’t be more blessed with the two boys that I have – they truly were the only reasons why our team was able to do spectacularly well last year. I earn an amount that allows for a comfortable lifestyle. I know I don’t have it easy, but I’m not dying of poverty either. I have friends who have stood by side through thick and thin – there aren’t a lot of them, but the ones who are there… well, I know they’ll always be. I have an interesting family – they’re not perfect, but then again, what family is? I have a husband who loves me. And I am truly and deeply in love.

I am not unhappy.

But I am sad.

Sometimes.

And when I have those moments, I cannot find the words to describe it. So it stays hidden, away from prying eyes and concerned individuals. And often times I can brush it aside and just bounce back. Then there are moments when I just want to curl up somewhere and cry and I have no idea why. I think that’s why I don’t talk to anyone about it – how do I make people understand when even I don’t?

Sometimes it’s a feeling of being disconnected. Moments when I can’t even bring myself to care about what’s happening around me. Seconds when I think, “This is a happy moment, I should be happy.” But I’m not. I know when I’m supposed to be happy, or sad, or angry, or frustrated. I just don’t actually feel that way.

Sometimes it’s a feeling of restlessness… it’s wishing that I could somehow disappear and start a new life in a new place where no one knows who I am. Where I don’t have to be anyone or anything. Where I can just be.

Sometimes it’s a feeling of exhaustion. Not physically… not even mentally… but spiritually. Like I can feel my heart slowly turning to stone or my soul withering away little by little. Or there are days that I want to stay in bed the whole day and just… breathe. Not rest. Not think. Not feel. Just… breathe.

I haven’t been in this place for a while. I didn’t go through it last year – or maybe I was so busy that I didn’t let myself entertain the possibility of being in that spiral. But now there’s a bit of time… a slight lull in my days. Or maybe the sadness has been there for too long and now refuses to be ignored.

Someone’s told me he’ll always be there… that I can talk to him about anything and everything. Someone’s asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I’ve always said no… because I don’t know how to talk about it. I don’t know what to say asides from “I have no fucking idea why I feel this way… but I do.” I’ve always said no… that it’ll pass and I’ll be alright. And I’m never not telling the truth when I say that. It will pass and I will be fine. I know that. I just need to figure out how to last until then.

So, no, I’m not unhappy.

I’m just sad. Sometimes.

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Of Hope and Sadness

As the sun broke against the slumbering sky
Today... today you used my name
Despite confessions of love in days gone past
Today's profession was not the same
Amidst the hustle, the bustle, the stop and the go
There are seconds of silence that become a song
And beats so steady, a rhythm of drums
Of wishes and prayers for the one I long
On the day when my heart is tired
The words rouse my soul from death so dark
And thoughts of touches, of gazes, of whispers and sighs
Today... today would leave a mark

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The Life Not Chosen

So I haven’t written in a while. Life happened… and maybe I’m falling back in the cycle of letting another 24-hours pass without me putting words on paper. And that’s one cycle that I really don’t want to get back into.

I’ve been reading Sarah Ban Breathnach’s Daybook on Simple Abundance. I’ve had the book for years – never bothered reading it. When I think about it, reading Something More (the first book that introduced me to her) was an outcome of a required reading during my senior year in uni than any genuine interest in it. Little was I to know that it would be a book that would forever change my life.

I got pregnant the same year I completed uni. He wasn’t ready for it – but then again, neither was I. I was 22, with no one friends other than those that he “approved” of, and completely had my world revolving around him. I was too afraid to decide, so I allowed him to decide for me.

And that was possibly the one, single regret that I have until now.

I saw my son for several minutes before I had to let him go. They buried my son… and, almost sixteen year later, I still have no idea where he is. And there is no year that goes by that I do not wonder – not just about where he was laid to rest, but also about what would have happened had I chosen differently… had I chosen at all.

One night, weeks after that happened, I woke up crying. My heart was breaking and my soul was fading and I couldn’t find the words to tell anyone. Then he looked at me, completely bewildered, and said he couldn’t understand why I was crying. I think that was when my heart broke so completely, that there was no hope of it ever being put back to the way it was. That night gave birth to Eris, the Mistress of Discord. And that night… that night I died.

It’s only now that I have realized that I had given him his freedom – that he saw my loss as another chance to live his life as if nothing had happened. But something had… and it had changed me.

I have never been the same since then.

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23.19: Dancing Through the Fire

Universal Truth.

I have found the statements “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” and “Loving someone means giving them the right to hurt you” to be incredibly conflicting.

Especially when you happen to believe both to be true.

 

 

Dark & Twisted…

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14.13: Every Now and Then

***Began on May 14, 2013***

“We all knew she was going to go. But when it finally happens, it still catches you by surprise, you know?”

My aunt died five days ago. She died on her birthday. We all think she did it on purpose – holding on so that she could pass on on the very day she was born. She was cremated on the same day and then buried three days later.

I haven’t been at work for four and a half days. Today’s my first day back and it feels incredibly strange to be here. To some degree it’s like I’m not the person I was a week ago. These days, I’m often half and half – half where I am and half somewhere else. I only wish I could figure out where that somewhere else is. It’s strange, really. I wish I could explain it. But I can’t.

Most times it’s like I’m drowning in an endless sea of sorrow. Sometimes I wish I could just let the sadness take me and let me drift off to where it wishes… But I am equally terrified that I wouldn’t be able to find my way back.

I wonder why her passing hurt so much. She was not particularly close to me – and the most that I ever felt her presence was when she was putting me through school. I know that I will always be grateful for that, but it still does not explain why I cried buckets and buckets of tears these past few weeks.

Sometimes I think I do it for my cousin, as there is that perpetual need for him to remain steadfast and strong for everyone who was left behind. So I cry the tears he cannot cry and my heart breaks instead of his.

But I cannot deny that I also cry for myself… Because, for me, every death is the same death. Every loss is the same loss. It is losing my mother, my father, and Alexis all over again.

Every death is the same death… and sometimes I wonder if I will forever be in mourning.

 

 

Blessed Be…

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12.13: As Sharp as Broken Glass

There are days like today when I lose my mind a little and start checking things that I shouldn’t be checking out anymore. For those of you who think this is another shout out to the recipient of this post, you’re sorely mistaken. There will be no names (Yes, I did that before. Yes, I have gotten over it. No, I do not regret doing that.) but I have no doubt you’ll know if it’s for you.

I think I think this is an entry that has been a long time coming. Maybe it’s something that I probably should have written several months ago, but didn’t. But what does it matter? I’m finally writing it.

*          *          *

Dear You,

I miss you. I miss us. I miss the time when I would see you at least once every week – when we had become fixtures in that Indian restaurant conveniently situated near our respective offices. I miss bringing you to your building before taking the cab home. I miss you telling the cab driver to make sure he took good care of me.

I miss how you always used to be there… How you made me feel like you would love me no matter what happened. I miss the times when it was so clear that you and I were always going to be in each other’s lives. We both made bad choices and many, many mistakes and I guess I always thought our friendship was stronger than that.

Was I wrong?

Sometimes I still wonder about what really happened. Sometimes I wish I knew the reason why you suddenly went away. Sometimes I wish I didn’t care… Then maybe I wouldn’t wonder so much.

No, I don’t understand and there are so many moments when I wish I did. You were there when I was broken and trying to find my way back and it’s just the saddest thing that now that I’m so incredibly happy, you are the one person I cannot share it with.

I will always wonder about you, I think. No matter what has come to pass, you will always be part of my story. I will always be grateful to you.

I wish you every happiness. And I will always wish you peace.

In Memoriam,
Me

*          *          *

 

 

Blessed Be…

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