Tag Archives: Heartbreak

37 in ’12: Damned

I have a theory.

I don’t think I feel things the way other people do. Some people don’t feel (or there’s a bigger tendency to listen to their heads). Most people feel with their hearts. I am different.

I feel with my soul.

So every feeling is amplified – I am either in a state of bliss or my anger knows no bounds. I am either extremely in love with my life or helpless in my hopelessness. I can literally love and hate at the same time.

I feel with my soul. I have no middle ground.

There truly is no one like me.

*          *          *

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
‘Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa…

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake It Off
Florence + The Machine

***

Truth

Speaking of being helpless in my hopelessness, this has been the dark little hole where I have been burying myself this past week. Too many triggers, I think, in too short a time.

I found too much of myself in Hannah Baker’s words. I heard myself a little to clearly. That was what started it all.

With my cousin’s passing, it felt like I was grieving not just for him, but for every single person that I’ve lost. Did you know that I never cried when my father died? I didn’t cry when my aunt passed. No tear fell when Alexis took his last breath. During those moments, it often felt like I was looking at what was happening instead of being part of it.

I felt my heart break, that much is true. My heart has been breaking since the day before I turned six… and it’s been breaking, bit by bit, every since. My spirit has splintered into a million different pieces. Some shards I’ve found and pieced back together. Some, I think, are lost to me forever.

I lose a bit of myself every time Death pays a visit. I died a little when my father did. I died a little bit more when my aunt did. But it was the loss of Alexis that left me broken. It’s been nine years. I’m still broken.

Sometimes I think the broken pieces feel different things at different times. That would explain the contradictions, the ability to swing from one extreme to the other.

Being broken made me strong. It taught me to compartmentalize and hold back the tears until there’s no one there to witness it. Being broken also made me brave. When you’ve lived a life like mine, you stop being afraid of so many things – you stop being afraid of being hurt, of your heart being broken, of people leaving, of being alone. I can hate with all of my heart and love with all of my soul. I can hold on to something for the rest of my life and I can walk out yours in a blink of an eye and never look back. Being broken allowed me to be my own best friend – that one person who understands when no one else does.

But there are days when I feel the burden of being broken weighing down on my shoulders.

I am strong and brave. I am also very, very tired.  Someone help me.



Blessed Be…

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25 in ’12: Sinner

I’ve been watching The Voice for most of the afternoon (which explains the twitter post about Adam Lavigne’s hotness) and heard this song. I seriously do not understand how I could not have known about this song before today.

And on that note, I really did mean what I said about Cee Lo’s creepy persian cat. “It looks at me like it knows my sins from another life.”

*          *          *

Turn down the lights;
Turn down the bed.
Turn down these voices
Inside my head.

Lay down with me;
Tell me no lies.
Just hold me close;
Don’t patronize.

Don’t patronize me.

‘Cuz I can’t make you love me
If you don’t.
You can’t make your heart feel
Something it won’t.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I’ll feel the power;
But you won’t.
No, you won’t.
‘Cuz I can’t make you love me
If you don’t.

I’ll close my eyes,
Then I won’t see
The love you don’t feel
When you’re holding me.

Morning will come,
And I’ll do what’s right;
Just give me till then
To give up this fight.

And I will give up this fight.

‘Cuz I can’t make you love me
If you don’t.
You can’t make your heart feel
Something it won’t.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I’ll feel the power;
But you won’t.
No, you won’t.
‘Cuz I can’t make you love me
If you don’t.

I Can’t Make You Love Me
Bonnie Raitt



Blessed Be…

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22 in ’12: Almost

Neither
Either
Not someday or soon
Frozen in time with the light of the moon

Neither
Either
Not now or no
Just moments of bliss and seconds of sorrow

Neither
Either
Not heaven or hell
With bonds to break and lies to tell

Neither
Either
Not nothing or all
No path to take but where you won’t fall

Neither
Either
Not truth or lie
No tales to tell but ones of goodbye

Neither
Either
Not love or hate
No hand to hold in this limboed state

Neither
Either
Not day or night
Just wisps of smoke that fade in flight

“Shades of Gray”
Phoenixfire

Audioslave To: Give Me Love, Ed Sheeran (on repeat)



Blessed Be…

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There’s That Feeling Beyond Anger (61/365)

“Kitang-kita ko kanina,” said Arthur.  “Namumula na ang mata mo.” (I saw your eyes earlier.  They were red.)

He was the only one who saw, you see.  And what he saw were tears.


Tears.  Tears.  I, the Ice Queen, barely kept myself from falling apart during that meeting that could only be described as cruel.  The last time I remember feeling that bad was when my then-boss’s boss called me into his office to tell me that in thirty days, my then-position would be officially declared redundant.


It wasn’t the fear of failure that was so frustrating.  It wasn’t even the admission of defeat.  It was the giving up without a fight.  It was that when push came to shove, we took the coward’s way out.  That, more than anything else, I think, broke me.  You see, I am not fearless, but I have never been a coward.

I am perfectly aware that had we pushed through, there was an enormous possibility that we would have found ourselves in over our heads and drowned.  But then again, had that happened, at least we would have drowned trying.


And so, when I was asked if I was angry, I was not lying when I said no.  I will say it again – no, I’m not angry.

I am heartbroken with disappointment.

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