Tag Archives: Hopelessness

The Things Left Unsaid

Dear Universe,

Teach me how to love in halves. I don’t want to love in wholes anymore.

Me

Someone play an Adele song, please.

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Eris

She knew I was standing on the edge, staring out at the horizon. She knew I would watch the waves crash against the cliff wall a thousand feel below. She knew I was holding on by a thread.

Then I heard Her voice whisper, “Build your walls. You’re not going to survive this.”

And there are moments… seconds… heartbeats… there are are breaths when I want to step off.

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58 in ’12: I’ll Always Remember

Being stuck at home for the last 4 days (the first two because I’ve been feeling ill and the last two because of this never-ending rain) does have its perks. Apparently, a lot of other people have been stuck at home too because everyone has been online – excellent for catching up.

I went through a friend‘s notes in (social network undisclosed) and found a note that he posted. The instructions were straightforward and simple:

The rules: Don’t take too long to think about it. Fifteen books you’ve read that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes. Tag fifteen friends, including me, because I’m interested in seeing what books my friends choose. (To do this, go to your Notes tab on your profile page, paste rules in a new note, cast your fifteen picks, and tag people in the note. Do yours before you read anyone else’s).

Of course, being the way I am, I’ve decided to post it here instead of (social network undisclosed). And, of course, my list came up to 20.

So here’s it is… The books that changed my life:

1. Nancy Drew and The Secret of The Forgotten City, Carloyn Keene (because it was the book that started it all)
2. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, J.K. Rowling (because it’s alright to always remember)
3. Percy Jackson and the Last Olympian, Rick Riordan (because one person can change the world)
4. Sisterhood Everylasting, Ann Brashares (because there are families we run from, and there are families we run to)
5. The Expected One, Kathleen McGowan (because it changed my faith)

Paper

Paper (Photo credit: Mele☺)

6. Wildwood Dancing, Juliet Marillier (because it made me believe in happily-ever-afters)
7. Once and Always, Judith McNaught (because this is how one should be loved)
8. Remembrance, Jude Deveraux (because this is how true love should be)
9. Tell Me Your Dreams, Sydney Sheldon (because it made me appreciate my course in college)
10. Helen of Troy, Margaret George (because it was the Tojan War from Helen’s eyes)
11. Something More, Sarah Ban Breathnach (because it I always have a choice)
12. Seven Ancient Wonders, Matthew Reilly (because it was the greatest adventure I had ever been in)
13. The Last Oracle, James Rollins (because it reminded me how it was to be innocent)
14. The Third Secret, Steve Berry (because it was a different telling of the third secret of Fatima)
15. The Witching Hour, Anne Rice (because it was about an extraordinary woman capable of extraordinary things)
16. Memnoch the Devil, Anne Rice (because it let me see the universe through completely different eyes)
17. Queen of the Damned, Anne Rice (because everyone has a story… even us evil ones)
18. Thirteen Reasons Why, Jay Asher (because there are days when I could have been the one who wrote it)
19. Nineteen Minutes, Jodi Picoult (because in nineteen minutes, you can have revenge)
20. The Witch of Portobello, Paulo Coelho (because it is the most enigmatic that we seek to understand)

What books will YOU always remember?

 

 

Ciao Bella!

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51 in ’12: Lost

Everybody hurts, sometimes. Well, guess who’s hurting now?

Half-Life

*          *          *

When your day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you’re sure you’ve had enough
Of this life, well hang on

Don’t let yourself go
‘Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it’s time to sing along
When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (Hold on)
If you think you’ve had too much
Of this life, well hang on

Everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don’t throw your hand, oh no

Don’t throw your hand
If you feel like you’re alone
No, no, no, you are not alone

If you’re on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
Everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes

So hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts

Everybody Hurts,
REM



Blessed Be…

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46 in ’12: At First Sight

I saw this post of Facebook and it was just too good to pass up…

Beautiful. Funny. Broken.

Beautiful? Yes.
Funny? Maybe.
Broken? Definitely.

As they say, we see what we look for.

‘Tis Sunday once again… My day of perpetual loneliness and sorrow.


Escaping In: Shakespeare in Love



Ciao Bella!

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39 in’12: Lovelorn

I think you already feel it, Phoenixfire, but a really HUGE wave of LOVE is coming your way.

Once-in-a-lifetime HUGE.

Hang ten,
The Universe

*          *          *

Dear Universe,

Uh… No.

Waiting in Vain,
Phoenixfire



Ciao, Bella!

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37 in ’12: Damned

I have a theory.

I don’t think I feel things the way other people do. Some people don’t feel (or there’s a bigger tendency to listen to their heads). Most people feel with their hearts. I am different.

I feel with my soul.

So every feeling is amplified – I am either in a state of bliss or my anger knows no bounds. I am either extremely in love with my life or helpless in my hopelessness. I can literally love and hate at the same time.

I feel with my soul. I have no middle ground.

There truly is no one like me.

*          *          *

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
‘Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa…

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake It Off
Florence + The Machine

***

Truth

Speaking of being helpless in my hopelessness, this has been the dark little hole where I have been burying myself this past week. Too many triggers, I think, in too short a time.

I found too much of myself in Hannah Baker’s words. I heard myself a little to clearly. That was what started it all.

With my cousin’s passing, it felt like I was grieving not just for him, but for every single person that I’ve lost. Did you know that I never cried when my father died? I didn’t cry when my aunt passed. No tear fell when Alexis took his last breath. During those moments, it often felt like I was looking at what was happening instead of being part of it.

I felt my heart break, that much is true. My heart has been breaking since the day before I turned six… and it’s been breaking, bit by bit, every since. My spirit has splintered into a million different pieces. Some shards I’ve found and pieced back together. Some, I think, are lost to me forever.

I lose a bit of myself every time Death pays a visit. I died a little when my father did. I died a little bit more when my aunt did. But it was the loss of Alexis that left me broken. It’s been nine years. I’m still broken.

Sometimes I think the broken pieces feel different things at different times. That would explain the contradictions, the ability to swing from one extreme to the other.

Being broken made me strong. It taught me to compartmentalize and hold back the tears until there’s no one there to witness it. Being broken also made me brave. When you’ve lived a life like mine, you stop being afraid of so many things – you stop being afraid of being hurt, of your heart being broken, of people leaving, of being alone. I can hate with all of my heart and love with all of my soul. I can hold on to something for the rest of my life and I can walk out yours in a blink of an eye and never look back. Being broken allowed me to be my own best friend – that one person who understands when no one else does.

But there are days when I feel the burden of being broken weighing down on my shoulders.

I am strong and brave. I am also very, very tired.  Someone help me.



Blessed Be…

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